Among Friends

[Vivian]

I would never move in with my kids nor would I expect them to move in with me. They all live in different states and I like living in my own home. My husband has early Alzheimer’s and being in a very familiar environment is really beneficial. The time will likely come when our living situation will change but until that time we are enjoying the home we built almost 40 years ago.

My mother will be 96 on Saturday, she chose to liive in her home with a 24/7 aide. She did not want to live up north with me and I had no desire to move to her town after I retired. The most important thing I learned from Mom was that while we’re still of sound mind and finances, senior citizens need to feel in control of their lives. With safety assured, I would never try to insist that my mother move, nor would I allow my kids to force me to move to a new community that I don’t know.

[ScarletDove]

Not for me, I am way too independent.....and I worked many years to make sure I could financially take care of my later years which also includes long-term-care insurance.....

And here is why:

My father opened our home to his father who was 67 & widowed 20 yrs, when I was 4 yrs old so I lived with my grandfather until his death when I was 21.My grandfather never had any money, he was a wall-paper hanger all his life. When he was in his 70-s and 80's he was the ticket-taker at the movie theater in town, he took the bus back and forth daily and he loved it. I have fond memories of the 4 of us over those years,

BUT.....

First, my parents, being the Greatest Generation did not discuss personal matters or difficulties for all to hear or in front of children; arguing was done behind closed doors in private. There were familial dynamics at play between my father, his brother, their father and as a child I did not understand those dynamics, emotions and words; my parents kept their discussions private and never within my ear's reach. As the years progressed, watching and listening, my questioning young mind realized the one's affected most were my grandfather and father because my uncle was always making accusations about my fathers intentions in front of and behind his back. One time my uncle came when I was home sick from school and I heard him angrily talking to my grandfather, saying nasty things about my father and upsetting my grandfather. I came out of my bedroom, approached him and told him to get out of my fathers home. I told my father what I heard and what I said. Other times when he came to our home there were 3-way altercations I also heard!  My mother always stepped back and stayed out of the 3-ring circus, but my uncle's wife always put herself into the circus ring when we were all together. My father was easy-going and the most kind, loving and giving man who has ever touched my life. He got along well with his father and treated him well all of his life. I learned how to be a kind, loving and giving adult from my father who learned the same from his father. My Dad also taught me to be strong, tough and honest! 

[ALRATIBA]

One of my friends just moved from her city apartment to her recently widowed sister's suburban house.

Neither had any children ... apparently has been the best solution for both of them.  

[fourpaws56]

For me it started out I was going to stay for a few days to help with the baby.That was in 2013.The second baby came in 2015.My DIL and I are very close,I taught her things that unfortunately she was not taught at home. A couple of times a week I will go away for the whole day to give them time without me there. My Son will text me and ask where I am. I told him I want to give him time with his family, he said,Mom, YOU are our family,please come home.'So, this is working out well for us,I am not a burden,on the contrary,my DIL say's I am an asset :-)

[Susan in California]

@fourpaws56

It is clear that you are a person who is thoughtful and courteous and lovely to be around.

It sounds like they enjoy having you with them; you help out a lot as well.

[RedTop]

@fourpaws56,

You are indeed a fortunate woman to be living with your son and his family, in an arrangement that is beneficial to everyone.   

I sincerely hope to be able to live out the days of my life right here in my home.   

My brothers and I are currently dealing with trying to keep our 84 year old mother in her home as long as possible.   She absolutely does not want to be anywhere but in her house, and we get that.  One brother lives directly across the road from me, and mom’s house is to the left of his, so she has two of us close by; other brother is about 15 minutes away.   

I will always do everything I possibly can for my mother, but I honestly don’t think we could live under the same roof again.   Mom is a very heavy smoker, with high anxiety.  She enjoys a quiet, stress free home.   My house is a combination Motel 6/Grand Central station with constant activity; we have about 4 hours of total quiet in this house daily, with no TV, no lights on.   

Thankfully, we had a very good experience with a local personal care home for my grandmother, and my mothers wish is to go that route when she is no longer able to live alone.  

[fourpaws56]

@RedTop thank you,I know I am blessed,..it is so nice to help raise my grandchildren,my Son and DIL can have date night and not worry about anything...my DIL and I do a lot of gardening and baking together,go to yard sales etc...she say's I am her best friend....I love that girl!

[dulwich]

@fourpaws56  My daughter and I get on really well and readying for our move back to them already we are enrolled in swimming, line dancing classes plus looking after her grandchild, my great g,child one day a week..  DH and son in law get on too.

We have fun together plus the adult grandkids - no-one feels put on we are family.  They can take off - we will mind their dogs - we can take off - they will mind ours.  It is called give and take - we all benefit - and once a year the whole lot of us go on a cruise - so for me no retirement village would come close to what we have together and the understanding and closeness we have - I am fortunate.

[Sooner]

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

I have no children, so that would not be an option...but unless it was absolutely necessary, I would never entertain the thought.

Everyone, old and young are set in their ways and unless there is a mother in law suite...I can't see it working.  I would opt for in home care.

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Well, in-home care is not a good thing if you don't have someone to monitor the in-home care.  And monitor it closely, and deal with your finances in a trustworthy way.  

[Sooner]

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@bonnielu wrote:

Hopefully no.  I have four daughers.  I would like to be nearby but I doubt that will happen because they all moved away and we are still in our original home.  Closest daughter is 4 hours away.  

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For the sake of all, have you thought about moving close to one of them?  It will be really hard on them if and when you need care.  (EDITED TO ADD:  It will be very hard on them when you need care and or supervision and they are far away.)