Im feeling so hurt and unable to sleep - Page 8

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

My advice:

1. Don't put your sister in the middle. (He doesn't sound like a good guy, so she's probably dealing with enough at home.) Keep in touch with her, even loosely if that works better. But don't cut ties with her because of his behavior. They are two separate people. Don't let this man tear your family apart.

2. Minimize contact with him. If he says something that bothers you, ignore it or make light of it and walk away. Don't react and don't give it a second thought. His opinion of you doesn't matter. Don't fuel his judgmental attitude. Give him nothing to comment on. Only "hello" and "goodbye" should be your goal. Realize with your full heart how ridiculous and predictable he is, and try to focus on that. Take away the power that he has over you by giving him nothing to work with and deciding not to care what he says.

3. Don't argue with him and don't cause a scene. From what you've described, he's pretty obnoxious - so everyone already knows that. Be your usual sweet and nice self, and don't let him turn you into someone else. What matters most in life is not so much what happens, but rather how we react to it. React to him the way he deserves - with silence and not a moment's thought.

4. Surround yourself, as much as you can, with people who make you feel good.

I know this is hard. I've been there, and I've counseled people who have been there. But you can rise above. I wish you luck.

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@mintedrose wrote:
It seems like every time my family gets together there is always something hurtful said or done to someone which causes nobody to visit each other. Every time i visit my sister and brother in law, he always has a way of putting me down in some way. Its always in a way that he's picking on me. Sometimes we even get into an argument over it. For example, if i say that i dont really like watching news, he'll rip into me. He'll say things like something is wrong with me and call me crazy. If we talk about cars and i share the kinda car im getting, he'll say, well its a big jump from what you had (20 years ago). So many other petty things he says to make others feel inferior. When i ask my sister about why he's like that, she says he does that to his own sister too which i dont really believe. He's one of those who grew up thinking he was priviledged and looks down on others including our family. I was a teenager when my sister got married and Unfortunately, he's kinda seen me when i was in a rough patch growing up and i feel like he still sees me as that person that i was 20 years ago. I used to see him as an older brother and always respected him but i sense that he doesnt respect me. In the past, everytime he would say something about my sister infront of me I would always take her side and stand up to him but My sister has never done that for me and its really starting to hurt me. Lately, its been eating up at me. How can i talk to my sister about this because i went through a big tradegy last year and she was the only sister i shared the news with hoping to help cope with grief. Doctors told me i could've lost my life. She has not taken the time to call or ask about how we are. I've cried so many nights staying awake wondering what horrible thing have i done to them that they treat me this way. My husband is starting to see it too and he doesnt like it either. I really wanna know how does one DEAL with something like this. I know many would say to not bother staying in touch but i have so much to say to her yet i dont wanna be one to call her because i always do. Im so angry at her right now for one to not tell her husband to shup up when he needs to and second to just abandon me when i need her the most. Total apathy! She sounds so hypocritical because she tells me she hates her in laws but yet she has to share with me how much she loves doing things for them because it makes her feel good. When she's down i always try to lift her up. We've been through thick and thin when we were growing up, my dad was super harsh on us but i was always good to her and stood by her side supporting her. However, I see that she is nowhere close to being a good sister. I wish i could let this go and I dont know why im so upset by this. I wanna know how to deal with this objectively. I really dont wanna feel like im the one getting bullied and a cold shoulder all the time by my own family. I wish there something i could do so that they would never do this to me again. Any advice or anyone who's had a similar experience?im sorry for the rant.

@mintedrose

It sounds like you're dealing with passive agression. Look it up on a reputable Internet site. Look at the definition, causes, and ways of dealing with this. Your sister is reflecting some of his behavior. Try to communicate your feelings with your sister. Tell her that you have decided to end your visits and communication with him until things change.

Let her know that you still want to see and talk to her, as long as she isn't with him. If she continues to treat you badly, end your relationship with her until she changes. Good luck!!!

Huge Hannah · ‎11-03-2018

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do unless you want to have it out with him (not NOW, during the holidays--wait a few weeks or even months, if you can) and clear the air.

(I doubt you'll get anywhere with him, or that you can change his behavior or his tame his mean mouth.)

He'll probably respond negatively. Don't argue with him; keep silent while he's talking. When he's through you can say "You just proved my point" or something like that He'll probably go off on you again and, again, let him rant.

In the meantime, you leave the room; go wash dishes, make beds, surf the web, read a book, whatever. And as soon as he doesn't have an audience, he'll shut up.