Im feeling so hurt and unable to sleep - Page 4

aggravated · ‎03-12-2010

Sometimes you just have to tell yourself "That's enough of that."

Why subject yourself to this treatment? Surely there is someone or a group you would enjoy spending your holidays with? I would rather watch a movie at home by myself than be treated this way. I haven't spoken to my sister in five years - finally realized we would rather be with friends or at home by ourselves than have another drama filled holiday.

CatsyCline · ‎07-24-2013

You teach people how to treat you. You are allowing this. He sees you as the teenager your were when your sister married him.

People fall into "roles". You were 16 or whatever, sensitive and eager to please. He saw that and played you because he knew you were a soft target,

You've known each other 20 years! And still playing those "roles" whether you are aware or not. He knows which buttons to push with you! Don't allow it. Have some Gumption Miss Minted Rose! ! You are an adult, stand up for YOURSELF, don't ask sister for rescue.

Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries!! If you can't set them on your own, some therapy may help. HTH

ps: what advice would you give a good friend if they were in your shoes.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

@Carmie That is terrible what your two SIL's say to you. I would Never go to a gathering where they were present... and nextime I would tell them and everyone in the room why you choose not to be around them anymore and make that your last family gathering...

That is so horrible. I hope you take care of YOU and do not let those two bullies make you feel bad. They are horrible people. ((HUGS)) ~SeaMadian~

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

@SeaMaiden Thanks for your kind words.

I don't go to family gatherings on my DH's side often. These two gals, one of whom is my DH's sister and the other his brother's wife are thick as thieves.

They talk about one another when the other is not present, I suppose to get me to say something negative. The one married to my BIL is mad about my husband..always trying to get his attention. He can't stand her.

They are both "women who lunch, and drink to excess."

Mostly, I pay them no nevermind. They are not my kind of people.

Once, when one of them said, " you used to be so beautiful" I shot back and said, "yes, I was, and I am so sorry you never were. You missed out on the beauty train"

She was flabbergasted.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

@Carmie OMG! That must have been a priceless moment! Good for you!

I think that they are jealous of you and it is the only way to make them feel better by hurting your feelings.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

As to the OP's examples: The OP's BIL apparently likes watching the news and being informed. Assuming the BIL was speaking about something he saw on the news, the OP had the choice of saying, "I'm sorry to hear that" or nothing at all and letting it go. Instead she announced that she doesn't like watching the news which the BIL took as disparaging something he enjoys and went into a defensive mode. In short, the OP bated him.

When he said about the new car that it was a 'jump up', the OP could have said, "yes it is compared to the one I had 20 years ago, do you remember it?" It could have turned into a shared remembrance and laughter. Instead the OP chose to be offended.

It's helpful to try to see it from the other person point of view. Sometimes they don't receive what you say, as you intended. If you have constant conflict with someone, change you response and I don't mean getting into an argument or calling in the troops in the form of sisters and husbands. Try to see humor in it. I know some strident posters bring me an unintended smile.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Jaspersmom wrote:
So many thoughts about this.

1. You have to find the courage to either walk away or ignore the jerk when you're in his company. You can come up with some witty responses, but he won't get it or he'll argue that he's right. It's a CONTROL issue on his part and at this stage, he's not going to back down.

2. Don't put your sister in the middle. She has to live with him and I bet he has made her life miserable or she's totally tuned him out. If he does to her what he does to others, he is an ABUSER. Let's not mince words.

3. It doesn't sound like you think much of yourself. Don't be a victim. Stand up for yourself. If you don't know how to, work with someone who can teach you how. Why would you allow anyone to speak to you like that? You are an adult and can either set boundaries or LEAVE.

4. Finally, you might have to cut the strings and let them go. Tell your sister, you will see her alone without him. If she agrees, then problem solved. If not, then you won't see her. I don't think she'll see you without him because HE sets the ground rules and he'll be too threatened to let her see you without him. It's that control thing again. AND he's going to blame you.

Life is way too short to keep contact with these type of people. Yes, it's hard to let blood relatives go, but if they're toxic, they're going to make you sick.

Good luck. I hope you can find the strength to deal with this in a healthy way.

ANYONE having trouble with relatives needs to read the above again. The bottom line is it is a choice. If you are more comfortable/happier putting up with the situation that NOT putting up with it, things won't change.

But the bottom line is the decision as to how you will live and how you will be treated is yours and yours alone to make.

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

I have a BIL like that too, he just wants to put me in my place, but now that I think of it, he's not the only relative that does that. I put up with that nonsense for years and kept my mouth shut because I love my sisters or my Mom when she was alive. I finally decided I was not going to take it anymore and just stopped talking to the offenders. I still speak to my sisters and my cousin and brother and my elderly aunt when she can behave. I must say my husband and I rarely get together with them anymore, but that's because we are older now and will not travel to see them. I guess it comes down to how much the snipes bother you and what you are willing to put up with.

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

OK here comes the unpopular but realistic advice.

You spend your nights sleepless and crying.

You expect your sister to behave the way YOU want her to behave.

You feel pity for yourself without any understanding about the role YOU may be playing in all of this drama.

It's all about YOU and how YOU feel; what you want, right here, right now.

So the BIL is a jerk. Big deal. Words hurt of course. But you are expecting him, just as you expect your sister, to treat you in a way that they do not want to nor try to.

If you want to be happy, then accept them for who they are. There is a wonderful world out there. Get off the pity pot and get out and enjoy your life.

After all this time, you are not going to change this situation. You know this. But it is easier to sit around crying about it, expecting it to change, and hurting yourself more than they are hurting you.

YOU are doing this to YOU,not them. You are not a teen anymore. Take a look around you; there are people who would love to have you around; people with far less than you have; who would need a hug, a kind word, a helping hand.

Whenever we extend our hand, a hand extends back.

I am a realist and learned long ago that my peace and serenity is so precious that nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to bring a darkness to that.

Sure I've had problems with relatives; but it doesn't matter. What matters is that the ones I love so dearly are still here now; that I can still get out and enjoy the day, and most of all that I can sleep at night, knowing that I've done the best I can do that day.

I sincerely wish you well but it is better for you to stop expecting the unrealistic.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

First of all, you cannot change any of these people. The only person you have the power to change is yourself, and I say you need to man up and start being assertive.

Your family walks all over you because you let them. It started years ago, and it continues, because you don’t stand up for yourself. If you think your BIL still sees you as you were 20 years ago, and treats you with no respect, then you are as much to blame as he is. SHOW him who you are; stop being the quiet, passive one, the victim of every situation, and use one of those arguments with him to raise your voice and tell him you are dam*** tired of having the past thrown in your face!

Your sister is your sister; you are both grown women, and she didn’t take you to raise. Sometimes even the sibling you are closest to cannot grasp your personal situations enough to be the support you are looking for. These are situations you learn to process mentally, pray about, deal with, talk about with a minister or counselor. Do not try to lay guilt on your sister because she didn’t come thru in the way you expected. You aren’t walking in her shoes and dealing with what she faces every day either; maybe she couldn’t handle your health scare emotionally, and needed to distance herself.

It is totally up to you to be the person you want others to see, and to be happy in the life you’re living.