Re: I have "lost" the best friend I will ever have

suzyQ3 · ‎03-09-2010

@RedTop wrote:
I lost a cousin to Pick's Disease; he was in his mid-50's, and his steady mental decline was extremely hard on his family.

When you first started noticing her perceived slights about her family and dreading her phone calls, would've been the point her issues became noticeable for the diagnosis. Prior to that only those closest to her would've picked up on her new quirks.

It is indeed heartbreaking to know you've lost the someone you knew so well, to health issues like this before they die. My heart goes out you.

@RedTop, after our last couple phone conversations, I did actually think that she might be sinking into some type of dementia. She wasn't lucid and kept repeating herself. I often thought about trying to contact her husband. But I thought that if I were wrong and he told her about my fears, it might not sit well with her.

~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Queen of shop · ‎12-13-2020

@suzyQ3 I am so sorry for your aching heart today. You were so lucky to have a good friend that "got" you and had fun together. Remember the good times. I am offering up a prayer for her, her husband and you. Take good care.

spiderw · ‎06-14-2010

suzyQ

I am sorry about your friend and her dreadful disease. How sad to find out that someone you were close to in many ways has this health issue. I would have thought the husband would have contacted you but not knowing why I cannot judge. After all he has to deal with his wife's condition which is difficult for him.

My girlfriend passed away a few years ago, over 55 years of a close relationship, I still have a void in my heart. Also another close long term friend has alzheimer's and doesn't interact with us, her friends but we include her when we meet for lunch because she is part of us.

I understand your heart break and sadness and relate to the feelings you have. Life throws us these curves and we have to try to deal with it as best as we can. Do keep in touch with your friends and family for support and yes, thankfully your girlfriend did know it was you on the phone. You have wonderful memories of your friendship to cherish.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

Someone should have told you .

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@suzyQ3 I skipped all the other replies, so I can tell you how devastating this "loss" is for you. As long friendships continue through so many years, there's usually a chance of sickness or a real loss by death. I've been there and know how sad it is for you.

Please be comforted knowing that she didn't "forget" birthdays cards and phone calls or stop wanting to keep in touch. She's been sick and couldn't help the situation.

Lipstickdiva · ‎03-10-2010

I am so very sorry.

TX-starlight · ‎03-10-2010

@suzyQ3 I had the exact same thing happen to me, a few yrs back. We worked together for many yrs. She worked longer then I did, & her communication slacked off more & more. I knew she had lots of family issues, so I chalked it up to that. She even unfriended me on FB 2x. I was so puzzled over that, I couldn't think of anything she should be mad about. I kept trying to keep in contact. She finally let me know she had fallen & was having some issues over injuries. She eventually let me know she was in a nursing home/rehab to cope with her injuries.

I made the hour drive to see her, & was so heartbroken when I saw her. She could barely speak in sentences, she was in a wheel chair. She had been having strokes & she wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. Her husband was there, he also has MANY health issues, so I had not relied on him to keep me updated. She passed away a few month after my visit. I was devastated that she never got to enjoy her retirement. I keep her pic on my desk, & I think of her every single day.

It's so hard to loose someone you feel so connected with. I was closer to her, than most of my family.

michmi · ‎12-15-2020

As soon as you mentioned her conversation would turn to perceived slights, I was going to suggest that your friend had some form of dementia.

There is a profound personality shift in those with most types of dementia, especially Pick's.

I'm so glad you called her. Would you be willing to periodically send cards to her in the mail? Even when my mom was in the nursing home 5 miles away, I still sent pretty cards, talking cards, pop-up cards, and I was told by staff she enjoyed them and enjoyed getting mail.

If you want to keep calling her, he would probably appreciate that too. When dementia knocks on the door, the friends and family tend to scatter. He probably gets little to no help with her on a day-to-day basis. God bless him and her. And you, because this is a big loss.

Growing · ‎07-12-2020

I am so sorry, we have dealt with dementia in our family members. As I was reading your story, I immediately got to dementia of some sort when you said this formerly genial and kind person was being irritable and angry at her family. The moral of this story is too often we blame ourselves. The real issue is the person is going through something like this. I once worked in a behavioral health hospital with older adults and we had a mental health professional in our unit who had terrible brain damage or dementia in her early 60's. She simply could not have friendships or do anything in real life. It was so sad. My in-laws friends either died as their dementia progressed or they fell away because neither could hold on a conversation. You might keep calling her husband and speaking to her if you'd like. Keep it simple and short sentences, like talking to a toddler. Sorry, this sounds rude as she is not a child and deserves to still be treated as an adult with agency. But I mean keep your language and sentence structure on a very low level. Avoid "do you remember" unless their strong suit is what happened long long ago. Five minutes is long enough. Nancy Reagan wrote that book "The Long Goodbye" and I think this is a good term for it. I have the bad genetics for dementia and heart disease according to genetic testing so I am looking at this head on. Thank you for writing this.

The family of the person with dementia has enough to deal with in the day to day to remember or try to contact all the friends. Sometimes it slips in so gradually and over so many years that friendships have gone away. Its not usual for the family members to make sure the person with dementia has contact with friends and relatives but it is good for them to have some socialization. Its hard though, as the person loses the ability to hold a conversation or remember people. Again, I am sorry, this is so hard. I've also lost friends do to their mental illness and being unable to keep a friendship going and it feels yucky.

PS: one of my relatives had alcohol induced dementia or brain damage and the symptoms were like Pick's but they didn't call it that. It was a particularly difficult thing to deal with the things listed on that website. My other relatives had the calm, quiet, going away, can't talk type of dementia after he went through the aggitated part. Again, I am so sorry.