Re: I found out my father passed away

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

I am so very sorry for the losses you've had. I can only imagine how hard that would be.

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Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@dex wrote:
@Bird mama @I think I will wait like you said and think this over.I am just very surprised by my emotions over this.He left when I was two so why would I still have feelings about him..that’s what I am trying to figure out.

@dex You have feelings for him because he was your father, even if just in the biological sense.

Your feelings are about why did he leave you; even though you were only 2 as you grew older the question is still there-why did Dad leave and what did I do to cause it. How could he just walk away. Why did he never contact me.

There is an understandable gap in your life, unanswered questions, the loss of a chance to just ask him "Why".

You feel different-he wasn't there for school plays, holidays, scrapes and bruises, heartaches, proms, marriage, children, etc.

But you are not alone. While this is not the way you would have pictured your life to be, it was. Since you cannot unring that bell, I would suggest a few sessions with a counselor just to vent and ease yourself out from under this cloud over your head about him.

Because it's there; maybe not so obvious through the years but it has always been there. His death has opened up that cloud and now the rain of feelings from it are taking front seat.

I would let your dear mom talk and you may gain some insight into what she shares.

I would think very long and hard about telling her about his death. (She may already know and hence the increase in her talking about him.)

I sincerely hope the best for you; the loss isn't just about the death but the death of a daughter/father relationship that never had a chance to live.

Be well.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

@dex wrote:
@Bird mama @I think I will wait like you said and think this over.I am just very surprised by my emotions over this.He left when I was two so why would I still have feelings about him..that’s what I am trying to figure out.

@dex IMO and experience every little girl wants to be adored and loved by her dad, no matter if he's a great guy or not. When that doesn't happen you mourn that loss forever. My dad died without two of his girls ever reconciling with him, but that's the way he wanted it. I did visit my dad before he died, but by then he didn't remember who I was. I went to see him before he died because I didn't want to have any regrets, but it wasn't me who rejected him, he rejected me and my sister are whole lives and he never left us. I guess you have to make peace with the fact that you had a parent who could do without you, I did.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@blackhole99 wrote:
@dex wrote:
@Bird mama @I think I will wait like you said and think this over.I am just very surprised by my emotions over this.He left when I was two so why would I still have feelings about him..that’s what I am trying to figure out.
@dex IMO and experience every little girl wants to be adored and loved by her dad, no matter if he's a great guy or not. When that doesn't happen you mourn that loss forever. My dad died without two of his girls ever reconciling with him, but that's the way he wanted it. I did visit my dad before he died, but by then he didn't remember who I was. I went to see him before he died because I didn't want to have any regrets, but it wasn't me who rejected him, he rejected me and my sister are whole lives and he never left us. I guess you have to make peace with the fact that you had a parent who could do without you, I did.

I think you are right that I have to make peace in my heart with the fact my dad was able to live his whole life without me in it.I think I always thought that one day he would call and just say sorry that he was absent my whole life but now I know that will never happen.I thank you for your insight and I am sorry that our lives were similar....seems to me that you have managed to come out on top of all of that whole.I am really thankful you posted to me.

Bubbles219 · ‎03-12-2010

@dex wrote:
@Bird mama @I think I will wait like you said and think this over.I am just very surprised by my emotions over this.He left when I was two so why would I still have feelings about him..that’s what I am trying to figure out.

I have a similar situation and I can tell you that I have thought about my "father" more since he passed away than I had while he was alive. Perhaps you feel as I do; I believe in my heart that it is not so much that I miss the man that was my father, but that I miss what I never had ~ a true Dad.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@Bubbles219 wrote:
@dex wrote:
@Bird mama @I think I will wait like you said and think this over.I am just very surprised by my emotions over this.He left when I was two so why would I still have feelings about him..that’s what I am trying to figure out.
I have a similar situation and I can tell you that I have thought about my "father" more since he passed away than I had while he was alive. Perhaps you feel as I do; I believe in my heart that it is not so much that I miss the man that was my father, but that I miss what I never had ~ a true Dad.

I think you are right.I was so confused about my feelings and thoughts but all of the posters here have set me back on firm ground.I guess it is what it it is and life still goes on.We just have to remember to try to never repeat the past.