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Valued Contributor
Posts: 623
Registered: ‎03-04-2017

I apologize already. 

I have a difficult family. I really love them but its hard. There are very few interactions where hurtful things are not said. At times, Ive felt like a punching bag. So, I have stayed away. For those who already have read my older posts may know my heartbreak. 

 

Today I am just feeling sad. I wonder what it feels like to have a normal family and friends. I just wonder what it feels like to be "home"because Ive never felt those things. I am happy when I am away from everyone. I am happy when I dont have to be a part of their drama. 

 

Sorry for the rant, but I was just wondering if anyone of you ever felt like even the closest people to you could never really understand you. How do you become free? 

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,433
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@mintedrose 

No need to apologize!  I have an idea of how you feel.  It's so hard because you want so badly to have close personal relationships with your family members, and then they continually cause you pain and sadness.  It leaves you feeling lonely, sad and upset.  As the old saying goes, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!  How very true.  Sometimes these family situations are just a no win thing.  No matter how much you want to have a loving and caring relationship, and no matter how much you try, if the other side just doesn't want it or continually is hurtful or negative, then there is not much point to keep trying.  Sad to say, but I would just distance myself from them as much as possible.  Try to surround yourself with friends who give you the support and positive feedback that you need and should have.  Life is too short.  I know from experience about this.  Having tried for years to have a somewhat normal relationship with various family members and having failed, I just had to move on.  It's not easy and it's not what I wanted, but I have to try and make myself happy. Blessings!  

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,520
Registered: ‎03-30-2014

I hope you find a way to feel better.  Friends can be the best.  Forgiving can ease the pain too.  Don't let it fester.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,101
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@mintedrose 

 

I know exactly how you feel with my toxic, dysfunctional 'family'.

 

My only way to preserve my sanity was by severing the relationships (on the advice of my therapist).

 

That was over 15 years ago and I've never regretted it.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,964
Registered: ‎01-02-2015

I have had to divorce myself from my family .. we could not even

have a wedding reception that some kind of verbal altercation

wouldn't take place ... then when they started to go after my kids ...

that was it .....

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,398
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@mintedrose      I don't know your family history

...sorry to say you are not alone.  I think a lot of families are not close.  I am fairly close to one sibling, the other three, well lets just say, if I never see them again it's ok.

 

They are difficult, always right...it was easier to distance myself from them, then to continue the lie that I enjoyed their company.

 

I have a couple of really good friends,  but would have also liked (and wanted)  to have a decent family....holidays, birthdays, support, etc....

 

I had really good parents, I will never understand how we are all so different.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,601
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@mintedrose I am so sorry. I am sorry for you, for them, for me....I know how we always hear that family is everything...blah blah blah....No. Family can be the people that you are related to or be the people that you choose to have around you.

I tried for so many years to make my family into what I needed & I was always treated like a less than person. Like I was stupid. Like I was irritating. Like I was just nothing. And, I lived that way & believed it. I still deal with feeling that way.

I got a job whan I was around 40 & the people that I worked with treated me like I was a person worth knowing. Like I was smart & funny & I added value to their lives!

And, I started distancing myself from the "family" that hurt me. 

It is hard & it is complicated, but you just have to realize that you are you. Not what people that don't value you, tell you that you are. It's easy to believe. It's easy to go along with it.

I can't tell you how to make it better, but I can tell you that it can be done. 

I hope you can find your happiness, because you ARE worth it!

Super Contributor
Posts: 323
Registered: ‎03-14-2011

Me too, today.  Must be in the air.  At 79 I can assure you there are no perfect families just ones who care enough to allow us sometimes to make mistakes as we allow them.  I just sent an e mail to my daughter to ask her to help me understand.  Today I am saying to myself, self stop feeling sorry for yourself but know you cared enough to reach out to make things better.  You sound like a caring person, it would be nice to be your neighbor.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,856
Registered: ‎12-02-2013

@mintedrose 

 

I haven't read whichever post(s) you are referring to; however, I can relate to a lot of feelings you described in this recent post.  As soon as I learned to read, I escaped to my room and let the family stuff go beyond my bedroom door.  I am now going on 76 and my happy times are not with " family ".  It is peaceful and my friends are my family.

 

Since I couldn't change the behaviors of my family, I changed my behavior and world.  The meanness not only continues but has been passed down to the next generation save for one niece.

 

If I had stayed in their environment, I would have given over my power to shape my world to them.  Yes, I still include them in my prayers.

 

I may have a down day but it usually is caused by sadness that others are suffering.  

You began your post with an apology:  there's no need to apologize because you are merely describing your situation and asking for others' input.

 

HTH

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,473
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

OP, Be grateful for what you have. ALL of my family is gone now. It's just my brother and me left...that's it. I miss the banter, I miss everything about having a family. Be happy for what you have and appreciate every single minute of it. Before you know it, they can all be taken away from you.

"Pure Michigan"