I don't know what to do - Page 4

CatsyCline · ‎07-24-2013

Just want to add, along with POA it's important to have an Advance Directive. I made one for myself using the PDF file from the Hospital website where i had surgery. My mother has had an AD for years.

sometimesQVCaddict · ‎03-09-2010

I also know a much older gentleman living alone who has a family member come over each morning for breakfast, brings him his lunch at breakfast, and comes over for dinner. Its also time to "check up" on him.

He has someone over when he showers as well just in case. Occasionally has other helpers for different things too. Every situation will be different for each family and also taking into consideration how geographically close family is and their free time availability.

BoKay · ‎03-21-2013

@BoopOMatic I don't post often so I don't know if I'm doing this right but I really felt compelled to answer your post. First, let me say God bless you for having such a compassionate heart and wanting to do whatever you can to ease your Mom's life and welfare.
What I found helpful for my 96 year old mom who lived alone in her home for over 40 years:
1. Played the oldies from the forties on her tv or it can be tuned in on a radio. This gave her joy to reminisce about the wonderful memories it brought about. And then she would talk about them and what she and Dad during the forties and fifties.
2. If you can, bring her to the senior citizens hall where you live. The seniors play games like bunco and they plan outings also at these centers. Getting her out and about will really help her mental health and happiness. And she will meet new friends!!
3. Take her to a restaurant now and again. Let her get dressed in a really nice outfit so she can feel proud of the way she looks. Really encourage her to make new friends!
4. Set up Meals on Wheels program. They bring to your door a hot lunch for very little cost and it is another way she will see new faces.
5. If she has trouble seeing (as my mom did...she was blind in one eye and poor eyesight in the other) get her a magnifying pendant that you can put on a chain so she can read better and will help her look at all the old photos that she will want to share old memories with you.

6.Make sure you are added to her checking account so you can pay the bills when they come in. My mom and I would sit down every week and go over the bills. This will make her feel good and responsible
.
Just the little things that will help her get to feel that she is a viable member of society.
Having her do little things that will give her confidence. My mom balked at getting a
life alert alarm too but I approached the topic by saying it would make me feel so much better
by her having it for MY peace of mind.
I know this is long winded but I hope some of the things I did for my mom will help you!
You are very loving daughter!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@BoopOMatic wrote:
@Linmo Mother (so far) has refused the idea of a Life Alert button. I don't know her reason.

@Somertime yes I know about how elderly need familiar surroundings but since this only happened a little over a week ago, I thought a change of scenery for a few weeks or even months would enable her to rest before she returned home.

@Janey2 I'd rather not bring my family into the thread as it's not pertinent, the only one is my husband and he is fine with whatever and works out-of-state.

@MzImac Yes her neighbors would know if she fell, but I think the ideal situation would be to hopefully prevent a fall rather than be notified of one, do you agree? 👍

Nothing you can do can always prevent falls in the elderly. It isn't possible.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@BoopOMatic wrote:
@On It She has physical decline, though. She is very feeble. She can barely even get off the couch. She is not able to live alone at all - I am going to have to move in with her or she will need to come here. She is very weak, especially after all of this.

I'm trying to figure out where she should be; in her own home or here, because she told me this morning she wishes she had just stayed here longer.

I'm not planning to move in with her and leave after a period of time as she is too weak and frail to live alone. Her mind is still there, though. I'm trying to respect her rights to make decisions on where she will live.

@SeaMaiden That's true, it hasn't reached that stage yet. I honestly don't expect her to develop dementia, if she hasn't developed it already. I think her physical decline is due to my sister not cooking meals and taking proper care of her although this is just a guess.

@FranandZoeShe's welcome here, forever. I would never issue an ultimatum to her, as long as she's in her right mind, and if she becomes mentally incompetent then I would make the decisions.

@Mz iMac I didn't ask because I didn't want to argue with her; it seems like if I just don't react to things it's better.

She wanted to try living alone in her house but I don't think she can. I told her I'd move in with her Friday.

@BoopOMatic You need to ask yourself if you really can take care of her. People as they age are often up at all hours, are difficult to get a bath or shower or even refuse, start to get angry with the care taker and refuse to do what they need to do because it is a control issue, and I could go on.

Will she let you take over finances? Social Security will not recognize (EDITED: NOT POW) POA Power of Attorney if you need to be the appointed person to pay,--and unless she signs you will need a doctor's statement she is incompetent. And on and on.

You need to have end of life documentation for any hospital visits.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@sometimesQVCaddict wrote:
I had a very serious health scare with an older family member last year who didn't have a will, poa, or living will. Those are certainly in place now!! Everyone who is mentioned in the documents has original copies and know where that person's important papers are kept in case of emergency now. That would be my first thought of things to do!

And figuring out whether she wants to move in with you or if you're able to stay with her; If she wants to stay in her home, can you hire someone to stay with her or is there another family member that could take shifts when you're not able to be there? Or could the neighbors do shifts if that's even an option? I wish you luck!!

@sometimesQVCaddict Even the best and most kind hearted neighbors do not have legal authority to deal with situations that arise. And honestly it isn't fair to them either.

Elderly care and issues are always tied up with legal issues and it is a big complication. Anyone dealing with needs advice and guidance, and home help is another area where there are complications and matters that everyone involved needs clear understanding of what is legal, what is expected, and where rights are for the care takers and the elderly person and their family--and who will be overseeing the workers.

Having dealt with this for 30 years. . . you need all the help and advice you can get.

vsm · ‎05-08-2010

@BoopOMatic wrote:
My Mother is in her nineties and is competent.
She has basically lived in the same house all her life.
My sister has lived with her for 20+ years, but recently passed away in the home.
After it happened, we brought her down here where we live, I was hoping she would stay a few weeks/months before she made any decisions but she asked to be taken back home, so we did. She knows she is welcome to stay here forever.

She has wonderful neighbors who look in on her multiple times a day.
She gets around on her own, but at her age, I'm concerned about her falling.
She has no end-of-life papers but agreed to give me durable POA as she is just overwhelmed with everything.

She and my sister had a very co-dependent, symbiotic relationship; they were together 24/7. My sister was basically her reason for living.

I'm at a loss on how to help her....before anyone accuses me of telling private information on the internet, you don't know who I am, you don't know who my Mother is, you don't know what state I live in; and once this thread get to X pages I'll likely delete it once I get the information/support/ideas/whatever I'm looking for.
I would just like to have other thoughts on how best to help her.

Mother is so elderly she is the only one left, except my cousin, who I am in touch with.

ETA: I'm supposed to go up there Friday to move in with her as that is what she wanted. I'm concerned about what would be best, for her to be here, or in her home where my sister passed. But she knows she is welcome here.

You are a devoted daughter, @BoopOMatic , and being a devoted daughter when your mother is 96 means that the most loving thing you can do is to take charge. She may be mentally competent, but her refusal to wear, say, a Life Alert button raises doubts about her understanding of the full risks of her situation.

When my late Dad -- then 96 also -- fell on his head in his own bedroom, he never fully recovered from his injuries, which even my Mom, who was in the next room at the time, could not have prevented. No matter how kindly neighbors can be, they are not with your mother 24/7, and that's what she needs. My mother is now 96 herself, sharp as a tack, but with 24/7 care (I realize how fortunate we are to have the help). Even if you are with her full time, you will have to sleep, and so cannot possibly be available to her every time she needs assistance.

My suggestion would be to insist -- yes, insist, hopefully with the support of your husband and perhaps a neighbor or two for backup -- that she live with you and your husband, so you can both care for her. Without good 24/7 care from outsiders in her home (hard to find, and probably harder for her to accept), this is likely the most important thing you can do for her safety and well-being, and for your own health and sanity. I wish you. your mother, and your husband well.