I don't know what to do - Page 3

sometimesQVCaddict · ‎03-09-2010

I had a very serious health scare with an older family member last year who didn't have a will, poa, or living will. Those are certainly in place now!! Everyone who is mentioned in the documents has original copies and know where that person's important papers are kept in case of emergency now. That would be my first thought of things to do!

And figuring out whether she wants to move in with you or if you're able to stay with her; If she wants to stay in her home, can you hire someone to stay with her or is there another family member that could take shifts when you're not able to be there? Or could the neighbors do shifts if that's even an option? I wish you luck!!

sometimesQVCaddict · ‎03-09-2010

If she is part of a church or other community, they might have resources to provide in home care help. Or check with your local Senior Center for Aging in her area. Depending on income level, might qualify for some help.

geezerette · ‎03-16-2010

Since you say " this only happened a little over a week ago", I would venture to say that she's still in shock and doesn't know what she wants right now. I'm sure you are upset too. My suggestion would be to definitely spend time with her but don't make any permanent decisions right away. If you're able to stay with her in her home for a bit, I'm sure she'll calm down and you two can have a better discussion about what would be best.

Also, since you mentioned you have a brother, it would be a good idea for all of you to discuss your mother's future arrangements (along with any other of her children).

KingstonsMom · ‎03-09-2010

@Linmo wrote:
@BoopOMatic We have a similar situation with my dad. My mom has dementia and is living in a nursing home, but dad chooses to remain in their home alone. My brother does live in the same city and visits my dad daily, but he travels out of town quite a bit. I make sure to call my dad every day when my brother is traveling.
For the time being, we are respecting his wishes to live in the home. My brother has dad's POA. My dad wears a life alert button and we had a device installed on the front door to allow emergency personnel access to the house if needed.
After all that my dad went through with mom's dementia, I believe he is competent and practical enough to realize when the time comes for him to relocate to an assisted living facility. He is the type of person that would never want to live with his children, but he would go to a place where he could get assistance. Best wishes for you and your mom!

@Linmo

My MIL and her Mother were the same way, when it came time for assisted living conditions, they both refused to live with family members and chose assisted living instead.

That's their right and we had to respect that.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Marp · ‎03-09-2010

@BoopOMatic, I'd like to address two specifics in your OP. You said, "once this thread get to X pages I'll likely delete it once I get the information/support/ideas/whatever I'm looking for."

Please, please reconsider having the thread deleted. You will have no idea how many may be helped by the information it contains, posters/readers that for whatever reason will remain silent.

You also stated "I'm supposed to go up there Friday to move in with her as that is what she wanted."

I can't state unequivocally what is right for your mother but I can relate what happened to my grandmother and my mother when they were moved from their long time family homes.

Gram was as you described your mother. When she was in her early 90s she refused to ride the senior bus because it only had old people. Once she was brought from the home where she raised her family she became depressed, started grieving and within a year started having cognition problems. She was no longer the vibrant, independent woman she had been. She passed within two years of the move.

A similar story with my mom. She was in the early stages of dementia when the decision was made to move closer to family so I could have some help. She went through the same process as my grandmother. She missed her family home and that greatly affected her in negative ways. She passed within three years of the move.

Both my grandmother and mother were in their 90s when the moves were forced on them.

I'm not suggesting that something similar will happen to your mother but it is certainly a possibility to consider particularly if she is adamant about staying in her own home.

The eyes through which you see others may be the same as how they see you.

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

Just some quick ideas to get you started:

* Contact your brother, bring him up-to date. As you state, he is the administrator.

* Don’t assume, make sure you and brother are on the same page

* Arrange a time for the Department Of Social Services (ageing) in Mom’s home county, to come to Mom’s home and do a wellness assessment. Make sure brother is present - avoid confusion. Do not make the mistake of thinking that this service

is for poor, uneducated, people, will be a waste of time, is about the ‘county home, or is about locking Mom up. It is not, the practitioners are specialists in this area. They can assess Mom’s Mental, physical, Spiritual health, and social needs. They will have ideas and suggestions. They can give you written guidance and help your family make a plan for Mom.

* You and brother, and Mom should decide and put in writing, how much things will cost, who will pay how much, and how.

This is about your Mom, please get professionals to help find the best life for everyone.

Best Wishes to all.

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

qbetzforreal · ‎08-28-2010

You and your family have arranged for you to with her in her home. It sounds like everyone is on board with this plan.

In time, your mother may decide to relocate to your home. It appears your mother has a good support which is important.

Best wishes to you and your mother. @BoopOMatic

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

I think it's wonderful that you're willing to move with your mother.

My parents are nearing 90 and I love them dearly, but there is no way I would move to be with either one of them. I would be the one severely depressed being away from my own home.

My husband and I have discussed that they are welcome to live with us and they can also live with my one older sister. We built our home with that in mind for us and them in their later years, it's basically one floor living.

But if you and your husband are on the same thinking level and you think it would help your mother from declining in health, then it's great that you will move in with her. She's very lucky to have you.

CatsyCline · ‎07-24-2013

going through similar situation with my mother.. i wish you GOOD LUCK getting Office of Aging to provide assistance and support. Maybe it depends upon the state programs. Her state is generous with Social Services. The County/State Aid is income -based, and there is a long waiting list.

Unfortunately, Due to the pandemic many caregivers quit or got sick and did not return to work. The Catholic Charities sent aides for a few hours but the aides also got sick or needed surgeries.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@BoopOMatic

I am sure you will make the right decisions once you spend more time with your mother to see how she does at home, and what she needs.

These decisions are difficult ones to make, but are somewhat easier when you are close enough to see the day to day things more clearly.