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Valued Contributor
Posts: 739
Registered: ‎07-12-2011

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

To Lucky Penny and ALL posters.....

 

Thanks for all of your responses.  I have read them all and they ALL mean something to me.   I have read them over and over again and can't thank each and everyone of you enough.   Prayers, lighting candles..all welcome for sure.   I will post again in a couple of weeks to let you know how we are doing....thanks again.

 

Gayle2

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,892
Registered: ‎07-03-2013

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

[ Edited ]

People react in different ways to illness.  Some don't know how to deal with it and just stay away.  I've read that you find out who your real friends are through the journey and believe it.  When I had cancer, there were friends I didn't hear a word, friends that went out of their way, friends who wouldn't go out of their way.  I was out of work for six months.  My coworkers and team leader didn't call or come over once.  It's hard to deal with, but you have to stay positive and move on.

 

I know it hurts, but you can't change people.  Doesn't sound like your friend can deal with illness.  You have a lot going on, so I would let her be.  Maybe she will come around.  Cherish the friends that step toward and say I'm here for you, what can I do.  When people ask can I do something and you have nothing, be sure to say not now please check back.  

 

best wishes.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,407
Registered: ‎07-07-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2, I understand exactly where you are coming from, as DH had two forms of stage 4 cancer.  While my friends who knew about it were informed and supportive, his family was not.  I actually saw that as a blessing in disguise.  Unfortunately, DH saw them as I have always seen them.

 

What you will find is that his medical team will be there for both of you.  

 

You need to really take care of yourself so that he does not worry about you.  His most important job is to follow doctor instructions.  Do whatever you can to make his life easier and more comfortable, but don't forget about you.

 

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,163
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

[ Edited ]

Here's what went on in one part of our family. My cousin S's mother had a horrible cancer. (It runs in the family) she told me, how she told her sister, "give me any job, just don't ask me to do the nursing of mother."  It was only because she knew she couldn't handle it, and would be only another problem.  Her sister and their family, understood, for these were good tender hearted people.  No one was upset with her for that.  She just spoke the truth.  

 

As the years went by, we did lose that aunt to a horrible cancer, my cousin went next, later her father.  All from cancer.  Only the sister my age, remains.

 

Some people don't know how to behave, and are frightened.  Some people just can't handle it. In my humble opinion.

 

I'm sorry you both and if more family, that they too must go through this.  Sending gentle hugs and best wishes.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

It is  something you experience with true illness...  people do not want to be around you.. they feel uncomfortable... do not know how to comfort or act around the sick person or people.... I think this is very common in illness. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,513
Registered: ‎10-27-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

I would let that go and focus on your husband and yourself. Sometimes, people don’t know what to say and fear they might say the wrong thing or get in the way. Some friends do better when you ask them for some specific type of help: “I just need to talk. Wanna go get a cup of coffee with me?” “Could you feed the cat tonight, because I know I will be late getting home,” etc.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,473
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support


@SeaMaiden wrote:

It is  something you experience with true illness...  people do not want to be around you.. they feel uncomfortable... do not know how to comfort or act around the sick person or people.... I think this is very common in illness. 


@SeaMaiden

 

you are very wise in saying this, as I know first hand from experience when my son 27 yrs old was diagnosed with cancer.

 

No exaggeration he had a "army" of friends & all of them slowly disappeared☹️.  I was kinda shocked even his closest buddies were never available if he asked for help.  His answer was "don't get upset they are afraid of the c word".

 

Very true!  Awhile ago he reconnected with a few of them.  He asked them why?  Some just said they really didn't know "how to deal or what to do."

 

Interestingly, some of my own family & friends reacted the same.  

 

@Gayle2

 

prayers & thoughts are with you and your husband. I wouldn't focus on your "expectations of others" right now I'd focus on getting husband healthy. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,187
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

[ Edited ]

I've been on both sides of the coin - it's sad but it's what happens.  When I was a HS sophomore my mother was dx with cancer and many friends (and family) kind of disappeared.  My mother lived 3.5 years and died in 1976.

 

In 2011 I was dx with stage IIIc cancer.  I chose a doctor over 170 miles round trip from my home.  My BF lived nearer and I lived with him and he cared for me for the 14 months I was undergoing treatment.  Two friends drove me to all my treatments and would call a lot to keep up my spirits so I was lucky.  Having said that both friends that drove me to treatment had each lost someone to cancer within the past year so I think they were just more attuned to that happening and what was needed.  

 

There's no excuse for your friend not saying anything - even if it's "I'm so sorry".  But ppl don't know what help you may need and one of the hardest things I found when I battled cancer is it is very hard to ask for help so maybe if you need help getting groceries, rides someplace, etc. ask for those.  See if she can call and check on you every once in awhile.  When I was both a caregiver and a patient though, cancer was the last thing I wanted to discuss.  I told friends that I'd like to hear from them and it was okay to ask how I was but then move on bc I really only wanted to slow down enough to catch up on what was happening with them and others while my world was spinning.  

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2, there is a lot of wisdom in this dialogue.  I am sorry you and your DH are dealing with cancer.  It can be a long road with treatment, appointments, etc.  

 

I come from a large family.  I am one of ten children and I am one of the younger part of the family.  When I retired, within 16 months, three of my siblings were diagnosed with terminal conditions and died after treatment.  Every six months, there was a new diagnosis.  Early onset Alzheimer’s at the age of 59, stage 4 lung cancer at 65 and ALS at 67.

 

Within my own family, there were siblings who did nothing and a few who did it all.  I was a major caregiver and financial support to one sibling and his family while helping all I was able with the other two.  I have one brother who was best friends with the one I provided the most support to. My brother with cancer was very upset that his younger closest brother wouldn’t even visit him.  His reasoning was that he just couldn’t handle it.

 

It is easy and understandable to blame those who don’t help or visit.  I learned a valuable lesson in my caregiving.  You are only responsible for how you handle situations like these.  Taking someone else’s inventory is a fruitless labour.  At the end of the day, I know I did everything I could for my siblings and I am at peace with my behaviour.

 

The point of this discussion with you is simple,  Ask for specific help when you need it.  Some people don’t know how to help so you must tell them what you need.  Not everyone will live up to your expectations but others will exceed them.  Take each day as it comes and don’t focus on weeks or months down the road.  Deal with what is in front of you in the best way you can.

 

@Gayle2, my prayers are with you and your husband as you travel this road.  I have never met more caring people in my life than those who provide medical support to cancer patients.  I hope your experience is the same.  May God bless and take care of you, the caregiver, in the coming weeks.  LM

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,714
Registered: ‎08-01-2013

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2

 

As others here have explained.. not everyone is very good or comfortable with supporting others through serious illnesses, death of loved ones, etc. This includes very good friends and even family members. My sister is one such person, and I had to learn long ago that it's just how she is wired and not to take it personally. Her avoidance of all things painful or frightening to her. She battles anxiety and depression- not to suggest that all who do cope as she does through avoidance. I know most don’t. I don’t hold it against her- I choose to forgive her, though it certainly can be painful. I have other types of weaknesses and can only hope my loved ones forgive those. 

 

You came to the right place- here, for support and prayers. Mine will be with you and your husband as you go through this difficult time together. I know all these other dear posters will, too, and give you much good advice. May he be healed and you enjoy many more years of happiness together. 🙏