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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,788
Registered: ‎03-10-2013

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

40B338BE-33F4-4401-BE14-DF5524ECD4E8.jpegI’m sending prayers your way. At times like these some people don’t know what to say or how to act. I’m sorry your friend is reacting this way. 

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,761
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

I think sometimes people just dont know what to say or do.  Also a cancer diagnosis in people they know scares them.  Dont be to hard on your friend.

 

I am so sorry your husband is ill.  I hope the best for him and for you being his care giver.  Praying and God bless you both.

Dear God
Grant me the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut.
Thank You Amen
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Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,897
Registered: ‎03-15-2014

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

Maybe she thought it best to mute her reaction lest she cause you more worry.  It's hard to know what's going on when family and friends don't behave as expected.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she cares but has trouble expressing or knowing what to say.  Stay close to her.  Best of luck to you.

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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,167
Registered: ‎06-03-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2  Am sorry to hear how your friend has reacted.  I'm sure she didn't know what to say and will be there for once she has realized how you will need her support at this time.  Maybe it triggered some past experience to her and she didn't know what to say.

 

You might need to tell her that you NEED her support and her help at this time and then do what you need to do - don't waste your energy worrying about her, spend that time on supporting your husband. 

 

Many others who post here have gone through this experience and will be able to share what helps and what doesn't, so lean on them.

 

Like other posters, I will say a prayer for your husband, for you, and for the doctors who will fight this along with him.  Praying for a complete recovery.

 

 

 



......You look like I need a drink.....
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Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,024
Registered: ‎01-10-2013

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2,

I am so sorry you are going through this.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DSe5Yi6v8qA/UjIRAqxyNXI/AAAAAAAAC6A/fYgNsLhCu8E/s1600/UKJem-CIMG4683.jpg

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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,069
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

Yes I did.  My "best friend" since 1961 acted pretty much the same way.  No acknowledgement through my mother's cancer.  She didn't even come to the funeral or viewing, or send a sympathy card.  Didn't acknowledge my father's, brother's or sister's deaths either.  She ghosted me.  Come to think of it, she didn't go to her father's funeral either which was out of state.  On the other hand, I supported her through her mother's cancer, and took a whole day off work to be with her when her son committed suicide.  I think my final straw was when she got deep into geneology and paid much more attention to dead people than cultivating relationships with the living.  I dumped her two years ago and realized that there's nothing to miss.

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Super Contributor
Posts: 483
Registered: ‎04-08-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

[ Edited ]

I am praying for you and your husband. I have gone through difficult medical conditions with family members and have had friends like that. When my husband died, I had a friend I worked with who walked out the door if I even mentioned his name. There are people in this world who don't know how to deal with sad things in life and they run away from it.

 

As others have said, concentrate on those who do support you and know that many of us have you and your husband in our prayers.❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,403
Registered: ‎06-08-2016

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

The #1 killer of relationships is expectations.

 

You expect her to respond in a particular way, but in this case it's not her way.

She's still your best friend, she'll be there when you need more than kind words.

 

Get your support elsewhere.

When my DH was diagnosed, I made wonderful friends with other spouses in the waiting rooms. They understood & knew what to say & when.

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Valued Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎01-21-2011

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2  I know this is a very difficult time because I went it through it 17 years ago with my husband.  The day of the diagnosis is still fresh in my mind.  A million things swirl in your head, but cancer is not a death sentence.  We had an excellent team of oncologists, radiologists, surgeons and nurses.  We made a 2 hour round trip for 15 minutes of radiation for 35 days.  I did this all myself with zero help from friends or family and continued to work full time.  I'm not patting myself on the back, you just have to do what's needed at the time.  I have found through the years to rely on nobody else or expect help because when you need help the most, your friends and family  generally let you down.  Well at least mine have.

 

As for the "friend" who hurt you after all those years, my bff of 38 years did the same to me 3 years ago when I was very ill.  Not a card, visit or phone call.  When I asked her why, she got defensive and we've never spoken a word since.   Life goes on.  

 

It's been 17 years, my husband is still alive but  has been very ill with pneumonia for the past 6 weeks.  This illness has worn me out more than the cancer diagnosis.  Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I haven't always been the nicest person .  Your husband will have excellent care but YOU have to take care care of yourself also.  We women are strong but please try to get some emotional support from the Cancer Society.  And please stay healthy.

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,175
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Husband's Cancer and Emotional Support

@Gayle2,

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you, and your husband as you work thru this rough road of cancer treatments and medical appointments.   I urge you to just stay focused on what’s in front of you.

 

My diabetic husband has been dealing with pressure ulcers on his feet for 4 months.   He’s been hospitalized twice in just over 3 weeks for infection in his foot.   His health care is managed thru the VA, and the main facility is close to an hour away, and his specialty physician is 3 hours away.   

 

With the help of our adult daughters, I am able to keep up with our household routine, but it is far and above what I’m used to on a daily basis.   Some days I am beyond tired emotionally and physically, but I go to bed knowing I accomplished what needed to be done for him that day.  

 

I have close friends nearby for support.   I’ve always known my longtime friend of many years is incapable of giving the level of emotional support she expects.   I am not happy with her right now, but again, she’s incapable of giving what I expect.  Right now, I can’t spare the time to even think about whatever is going on in her little world.   The opportunity will come for me to address her behavior, and when it does, I will express myself clearly.   

 

I do not expect our friendship to be affected by what I intend to say, but my words will be a wake-up call for sure.