Husband doesn't see he's cognitively impaired - Page 2

MsLomo · ‎03-09-2010

It's a tough spot to be in, but your only choice is to step in because he can't be trusted to take his meds or to know what he needs.

I would call his doctor and ask how to handle. Suggestion: The doctor can call your husband and tell him that s/he has asked you to help, that you will be buying a 30-day medicine "tray" -- the kind with the snap lids for each day (four rows of seven days) -- and fill it for him every three to four weeks. If he takes medicine both a.m. and p.m., buy a second tray (different color), and mark the top "a.m." or "p.m."

You don't have to stand over him when he takes his medicine, but you can check behind him each day to be sure he didn't leave a pill or two behind.

I wish you the best. @Vivian

lulu2 · ‎03-09-2010

@Vivian Florimond wrote:
Almost two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. He's still in that category with short term memory loss being his only deficit. However, it has declined during those last two years. We see his neurologist twice a year and my husband takes daily medication. I mentioned to the specialist that my husband refuses to acknowledge that he has any problem at all. It's more obliviousness than denial but it's causing problems.

Just this week I discovered he wasn't taking his cholesterol medication. The medication was changed, not canceled, as he thought. I tried to convince him that he HAD to take that medication. It took an hour to get him to take it. I go through his meds once a month but he resents it terribly, accusing of treating him like a baby. The neurologist told my husband that if those who know and love him most tell him that his memory is deficient, he should believe them. He added that the cognitive tests that were administered show that his losses are beyond the norm for his age. My husband said to me later that the doctor is an ignoramus. What can I do?

@Vivian

My heart breaks for you. As much as I hate to say it, you are in a no win situation.

You can grin and bear. You will be his whipping post.

You can let him suffer the consequences of not taking his meds. (and once again you will have to pick up the pieces).

Sadly the road ahead is not an easy one.

More than 14 years, I suffered a stroke with complete memory loss. In my world I was always right. After many months of therapy I realized I was not.

Melania · ‎06-12-2013

@151949 wrote:
My DH has had some tiny strokes and they have left him not so much impaired as they have changed his personality. He is suspicious of everything and everyone , including me. My always easygoing hubby now has a hair trigger temper, and CONSTANTLY complains about any & every little thing. This morning the garbage men did not come until around 9AM and , OMG , he made such an issue of that.Honestly, I throw my arms in the air & walk away. But he follows me so I end up closing a door in his face to stop him.Telling him he's repeating himself over & over doesn't stop him from doing it.When we are with other people I will say "Honey, they heard you the first 5 times you said that." but he gets really angry and claims I am immasculating him. I really miss my sweet husband, but I fear he is gone forever.
There are support groups out there.

I'm so very sorry. It has to be so hard.

Imaoldhippie · ‎06-10-2015

His refusal to believe his diagnosis is a normal reaction, especially when it has to do with brain issues. Im sorry you have to go through this but it probably is not going to get better. You might want to try something like putting his meds out for him in the morning (or whenever he needs to take them). You might also talk with the neurologist to see if he has any suggestions.

BE THE PERSON YOUR DOG THINKS YOU ARE! (unknown)

Leeny · ‎06-24-2011

@151949 and @Vivian

I feel so bad for you both and all that are going through this. Thank God, my DH is still doing ok in the cognitive area.

I do have a mother with dementia and I know what it feels like to be told all the time that I am the one who has a problem and I am the one who is arguing, when infact it is she who is not seeing the real picture. So with your DH it has to be so heart breaking. I hope you can get some help and answers soon. It is not going to get better; unfortunately, so please take care of yourselves. Hopefully your physicians will advise you in what to do. These are the times we need our families and friends and our Good Lord. I'll be thinking of you guys.

Tshirtgal · ‎04-01-2011

I have had some experience with which you write about. Three things helped. One, schedule "me" time regularly whether it is excercise, library, coffee shop, shopping. 24/7 without a break will shorten your patience which is very much needed. Two, find a support group. Others will understand and have some very good ideas to manage this situation with love, humor, and kindness. And three, although you want to explain and reason logic, (often times it makes time together worse because your husband will feel frustrated and picked on which creates a lot of stress) sometimes too many words are confusing. Less words - less explanations.

i wish you the best as you follow this journey that is new to both of you.

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

@Vivian Florimond wrote:
Almost two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. He's still in that category with short term memory loss being his only deficit. However, it has declined during those last two years. We see his neurologist twice a year and my husband takes daily medication. I mentioned to the specialist that my husband refuses to acknowledge that he has any problem at all. It's more obliviousness than denial but it's causing problems.

Just this week I discovered he wasn't taking his cholesterol medication. The medication was changed, not canceled, as he thought. I tried to convince him that he HAD to take that medication. It took an hour to get him to take it. I go through his meds once a month but he resents it terribly, accusing of treating him like a baby. The neurologist told my husband that if those who know and love him most tell him that his memory is deficient, he should believe them. He added that the cognitive tests that were administered show that his losses are beyond the norm for his age. My husband said to me later that the doctor is an ignoramus. What can I do?

Your husband probably wants to just keep his independence. When I moved to take care of my dad, I had to allow him to "think" he was still in control but subtly taking over a lot of the tasks he was unable to do. I bought myself a pill box and one for him. We took our meds at the same time in the morning and he seemed to like that he was taking them out of the pill box rather than my "giving" them to him. We also used to balance his checkbook together and I let him believe that he was doing all the calculations. When we went grocery shopping together he had a fit over the price of bananas once and started becoming abusive towards the salesclerk in the area. I calmed him down by diverting his attention to his favorite cookies in another aisle. Granted, it was all difficult but after awhile you will learn different strategies to cope and things will be less difficult for both of you.

My heart goes out to you. It is a very stressful time for both of you. Sometimes, just trying to keep the peace is worth it and looking away helps. Also make sure you get a break once in awhile. If he can be left alone in the house, take a trip to the bookstore or mall and take an hour for yourself. Also support groups do help a lot.....

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

Sadly, @Vivian Florimond, this is not at all atypical with cognitive impairment or any dementia-type disorder. The reality is, it most likely will not get any better and sometimes instead of fighting it, you need to just let things be. Fighting will only exhaust you, aggravate your husband, and strain relations even further.

It's difficult to know whether it's simply obliviousness.... or whether the person knows that something is not right with the way they're thinking and they just grow increasingly frustrated about it. But your husband's anger and annoyance may increase as time goes by. Don't you be in denial -- realize that your husband will veer further away from the person you once knew. Accept it, embrace it. Keep the peace.

I know in an effort to do the best for your husband, you may be hovering and "managing" a bit too much, so you will need to try to be sensitive to his need for independence and not treat him like a baby. Yes, watch out for his safety, but try to do it discretely. Try to let him make decisions for himself by asking for his opinion rather than telling him what he needs to do.

Oftentimes, the person closest to the impaired person will get the brunt of his anger. That's what happened to me. Try to get other family members involved in speaking to your husband. A child? Try to get a social worker or nurse to come over to speak to your husband. He may be more receptive to a healthcare professional, especially about his meds.

Finally, does he recognize the cholesterol medication? Can it be jumbled up with vitamins, to be given to him together?

My best wishes to you.

software · ‎06-08-2016

@151949 wrote:
My DH has had some tiny strokes and they have left him not so much impaired as they have changed his personality. He is suspicious of everything and everyone , including me. My always easygoing hubby now has a hair trigger temper, and CONSTANTLY complains about any & every little thing. This morning the garbage men did not come until around 9AM and , OMG , he made such an issue of that.Honestly, I throw my arms in the air & walk away. But he follows me so I end up closing a door in his face to stop him.Telling him he's repeating himself over & over doesn't stop him from doing it.When we are with other people I will say "Honey, they heard you the first 5 times you said that." but he gets really angry and claims I am immasculating him. I really miss my sweet husband, but I fear he is gone forever.
There are support groups out there.

This ^^^^^

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

It is so hard to see the ones that we love the most decline from the person that we once knew.

It crushes and kills the soul to see them change, and to know that they will never be the person that they once were ever again, and that they will only get worse.

You hate what is happening to them, but are powerless to stop it.

You get angry because you want them to be who they once were, even though you know that they can never get better.

You get frustrated when you have to explain something simple to them, and they still don't understand.

All of those feelings are normal. Don't beat yourself up when you do feel those things. You are only human. You can only do so much.

Don't be surprised if family and friends slowly stop coming around. Seeing him like the way that he is, makes them uncomfortable, and I think scares them, because they think that it could happen to them, too.

Look in to in-home caregiving, even if they only come out for one hour per week.

That will give you some time to take care of another important person: Yourself.

Cry when you feel like crying, mourn the loss of the man that you fell in love with.

Scream, even, punch the pillow, curse. Don't keep those feelings bottled up inside.

Being a caregiver is the hardest job in the world. If it were easy, everybody would do it, but as we all know, alot of people runaway from that job, because it is so hard, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

It drains you of every ounce of energy that you have.

Yet, you go on, simply because you must go on.

But, after all is said and done, and we go to meet our maker, I think the Good Lord will smile down on us for having taken the time to help our loved ones in the last part of their lives.

I wish you love and peace as you travel this most difficult of roads.

{{{{{{Hugz}}}}}}