Among Friends

[libbyannE]

Without knowing you or your husband or your relationship, it’s impossible to accurately react to your situation. But my perspective, given my marriage, would be that you were overreacting. I would not want to go to my husband’s high school reunion. He would not want to go to mine. How boring would that be? I went to my 20th without him because he simply wasn’t interested and I didn’t blame him. There were very few spouses there. I have encouraged my husband to go to any of the reunions that he would like to go to, but he wasn’t interested. We both live hundreds of miles from where we grew up so it’s not an easy trip to get to either city. We have cats, so I understand the need for somebody to stay behind and care for the animals. (You really cannot humanely put cats in the kennel. They don’t do very well in that kind of situation, and we haven’t found pet sitters that we like around here.) If my husband did say he wanted to go to one of his reunions and encouraged me to stay home, I wouldn’t be offended in the least. But we’ve always had that kind of a very secure relationship from the beginning. And we’ve been married more than 40 years. 

 What I find more telling than his not inviting you to go is the lack of communication between the two of you once he got home. That also would not be typical of my husband and me. I can’t imagine that kind of silence between us. The fact that you have that kind of relationship suggests to me that there are other problems in the marriage, but what do I know? Your feelings are important because they are your feelings. Feelings are, by definition, not logical, and no one should try to talk you out of them. But the insecurities and/or hurt that you express should be addressed and your husband should care about them, so I hope the two of you can talk this out as a couple.

[Bird mama]

@Julie928  My husband was 18 years my senior which means I was born the year he graduated high school   He was invited to his 40th high school reunion and wanted me to go with him.  Now, I don't go through life thinking men want me, however I know I looked good for that event. 

I can't even remember where it was held, I think it was some kind of fancy schmancy club or something like that.  Now I didn't go dressed in after 5 and I was not sparkling from head to toe or anything.  I wore a sharp dress and nice shoes and my hair was whipped if I say so myself.  I made sure hubs was sharp dressed too.

Apparently, after 40 years these folks felt dressing for comfort was on the agenda.  Let me just say, I didn't have a darn thing in common with one of the people at the table.  I smiled alot as my beloved reminisced and of course I took the group shot of the attendees as they lined up on the huge staircase.

My husband seemed happy to 'present' me and then after that went down memory lane with all his former schoolmates.  More than once I wish I would have been home with my dog.  

I'm not telling you this to make you feel better - you may not have had that great of a time.

[Calcgirl]

Oh sweet lady, I am so sorry for your pain and wish I could give you a comforting hug.

Do you both sleep in seperate rooms? I ask because of your statement that he did not say good night and wondered if he thought you were asleep.

Besides this occasion, do you believe your marriage is a strong, loving relationship? If so, I would take a deep breath and ask him how the evening went and share with him that you missed him and in the future to arrange for a dog sitter to come and care for the dog or a neighbor, family member, etc. Your relationship is too precious to not find an alternative for your fur baby.

If the answer to the question above is no, then this is a big red flag that there is a problem that needs fixing before it is too late and you both need to run, don't walk to a marriage counselor. 

God Bless you dear lady, stay strong and encircle yourself with those who love you.

[drizzellla]

I look at it another way. My husband has gone to numerous reunions - grade school and high school. I do not know anyone and feel like I would just be sitting throughout the evening listening to stories of by gone days. I would not be able to contribute to much if any of the conversation.

I would rather not go. Since I did not know anyone, I would end up sticking to my husband all night.

BUT on the other hand since you expressed an interest in attending, I wish he had offered to take you. And yes, I can't blame you for being upset. But at this point the event has passed. And besides saying again that you would have liked to attend, you can't change the past. But I would certainly ask him about the event. And show that you are interested. 

SO - when your reunion comes up - Are you going to take him?

[Julie928]

I wanted to add one more thing.  Yes, I would probably have been bored (lol).  But part of my reinvention is getting out there ~ if there is something to do, somewhere to go, let's do it!  Let's go!  

Something inside me clicked when I turned 46.  I wanted to start embracing life instead of hiding from it.  I started to take better care of myself ~ eat better, exercise more, take vitamins, do my nails ~ that sort of thing.  If there was invite somewhere I felt we should go, this event included.

Maybe I am overreacting.  I like reading all of your responses.  Some of them even made me laugh a little!  Thanks for that.

[NicksmomESQ]

 @Julie928  You have every right to be upset with your DH.I believe that you teach people how to treat you.My husband always wants to take me everywhere & show me off.I don’t get why your husband chose not to.

   I would ask him,period.You have a right to know why he ignored your feelings & had no issue in hurting you.

   You are an important, valuable person.Your feelings matter!!

[Harvard99]

I knew my thoughts immediately on this but i thought I'd get my husband's take. I read him your story and asked his opinion.  He said, " It sounds like he didn't want her to go. She made it clear she wanted to go. He could have had someone else walk the dog.  He could have spoken to her when he got home." Sorry, but I thought a males viewpoint may(?) help you gain some clarity.

[Bird mama]

@Julie928  If you really want a laugh and believe me, this thought had me nearly chuckling as his former classmates were giving me the side eye, here it is.

I was wife #3.

He married a fellow classmate that everyone else knew.  They were highschool sweethearts that I think were married 20 years.  It's been so long, I don't remember.  Anyway, the group pretty much knew they divorced.

Well, he then married a woman shorter than him, with a thin build who was a bottle job redhead.  I believe she went to one of his reunions.

When I showed up with him for this 40th, I could tell some of the women were trying to figure out what looked different with his wife   This one (me) had red hair (mine is natural), thin build and a heck of alot taller not to mention younger.

I will give them this - they had manners and didn't ask outright and neither of us volunteered but I could tell they were trying to figure it out all through dinner.

[Sweetbay magnolia]

I feel badly for the hurt, and sorry that your journey has been difficult of late.

You two are not talking.  That is the problem, not who goes to the reunion.  My husband and I quite often do things without the other, because we choose that.  I feel no need to be on his arm just because we are married, and I'm quite happy on my own socially.  So is he.  

But we talk about it.  We want to know about it ("did you have a good time"?).  We try to understand each other, when it comes to things like this.  Even if I don't, or he doesn't (understand), we go on with things - no resentment, no jealously, no hurt.  Our actions are not motivated by those things.

I expect emotional support from my marriage.  I expect to be comforted in times of need, as I expect to give that in return.  I hope you two can begin to talk, because clearly there is more to this story.  I hope this does not unravel the progress you say you have made in your personal growth.  Starting over will be that much harder, and time is precious.

[queendiva]

It's over. Please let it go. He just wanted to go back to high school for one night.

Many men and women prefer to attend their H,S, reunions without their spouse. I'm sure it was all very innocent. Do not make him feel guilty. It is in the past now- smle and let it go, never to be revisited.

P.S. DH owes you a nice night out for being OK with this. You may tell him I said so.