Among Friends

[CatsyCline]

just give it time. i agree you cannot make her change her lifestyle. we had to go through this with our very elderly Mom. my sister and i regularly had words, believe me.  even with a mother's health concerns, seems one sibling sticks their head in the sand while the other looks ahead to consider for future events.  it took a health crisis this past Spring and we finally agreed and got Mom out of the home. a stay in the nursing home for rehab made Mom realize she was headed there next if she stayed home.  Very difficult for her. She had over 60 amazing yrs in this home,  many memories. and save for last 5 yrs of health problems and post-surgeries that challenged her mobility,  a very easy life. 

[Group 5 minus 1]

Generally,w/sibs (I have none) its about the money. If your Mom is mentally ok. Take her to an attorney and get a will and final directives. That is about all you can do.

I am sorry I cannot. give more help. When we did it w/Mom the attorney spoke privately w/her. Don't know what he said,but it sure helped.

[chrystaltree]

• You are thinking about what would be easier for you and totally disregarding what your mother wants.  You want to move her like she's a potted plant.  Your sister can't accept your mother as she is now.  She can't accept that your mom  needs help, that she needs someone checking in on her and since she's closer, that someone is her.  Like it or not, the two of you have to put your mother's needs and WISHES first.  Your mother is 85, she doesn't want to move out of her home.  She doesn't want to part with her possessions and her lifestyle.  So you need to stop fighting with your sister and figure out a plan that allows your mom to stay in her own home.  Your sister thinks you are overbearing because you can't think beyond what you want for your mother and what you think your sister should be doing for her.  If you want what is in your mother's best interest, accept that she has a right to sit in her easy chair and watch TV all day if that makes her happy at 85 years of age.  She has no health challenges, she doesn't want to leave her home so make sure she has homemaking and food services she needs.  Visit when you can and ask your sister visit your mom once a week.  The two of you can call her on alternate days so that someone speaks with her everyday.  When you let go of your plan to force your mom to leave her home, tensions between you and your sister hopefully will ease so that you can work together to let your mom end her days in the home she loves.  

[Sooner]

@chrystaltree Let me add from my perspective something to what you said.  No matter how old you are, it is not possible to have every wish granted.  Young, old, or in between we can't always have what we want.  It is sometimes beyond what others can or even should do for us.  And people shouldn't feel guilty because they can't provide or do the impossible.

None of us make the rules, none of us are in control.  Especially without legal paperwork.

[DSD2]

I am glad your mother is in relatively good health, that is a positive!

As she wants to and is able to maintain and stay at home, staying the current course might be the best solution. However, people who live alone, at an advanced age should be looked in on. Falls are commonplace and results can be disasterous. Does she have a Life Alert system? Regardless, someone should be checking on her, and I might move to make those arrangements before anything else.

Let your sister stew in her own selfishness. She doesn't want to help and hasn't. 

Situations can change on a dime. Down the road, your mother may not be able to take care of herself or the house. If and when her health declines, you can reconsider. I think it's wonderful that you want your mother closer. I'm sure she will appreciate your kind intentions once her situation changes and living alone is no longer a viable option.

Good luck and God bless.  

[CatsyCline]

One other note : our experience in NY State:   there's an income cap:  Food Stamps, home health aides.   there is a serious shortage of aides (Covid and lack of work force) should you go through Office of The Aging, long Wait lists.  Private Pay agencies may not have many the aides available. 

Meals on Wheels are not necessarily free - if one is in dire straits they wont ask for money.  they do encourage weekly payments; sometimes the children will take care of expense.  There is facility (institutional [SNF} Medicaid ) and Community Medicaid. 

Community can be a rabbit hole.  Every aspect of the financial picture scrutinzed. then if you qualify  for Community Medicaid if there is an overage (over their % of poverty scale)  the funds need to go into pooled trust and in a spend-down everything being being paid out, Medicaid needs to know.

If finances allow, look into Assisted Living.  See about arranging for a Life Estate. Best to consult with attorney.  This is not to circumvent future institutional care. 

[Zhills]

I would be more concerned about getting Mom's legal affairs in order than her moving!

Does she have a POA?  Take care of the legalities first!

There are companies to provide means to the elderly, some free, some paid, available! Send her goodies through a grocery delivery company.  So many ways to provide what she needs.

Her legal affairs should be first priority!

[LizzieInSRQ]

Maybe get Mom an easy tablet, teach her and check in with her via Zoom or FaceTime etc. She might have fun with that and it would be super easy to check on her. She might end up doing zoom classes or join in other groups. 

[Skyegirl21]

Thanks for the responses! Appreciate the varied thoughts and suggestions- I needed to get some distance and see other viewpoints..  All helpful in some way- 

Additional details (didn't want to include too much specifics at first)- 

Hard to believe I know, Sister and I are actually identical twins (but have always been completely different and had plenty of tumultuous not friendly years)-  Think evil twin...
Yes, Mom does have a will and POA ( legal docs current) but she insists everything is 50/50, BOTH are Executors too- (yikes). And all on the deed too. Mistake, I kinow. 
Also wanted to add, to those who suggested sister should do x,y,z... Not gonna happen. The more you push her, the more she attacks back, does not want to be relied upon for anything.. 

So I just worry that mom is so alone there- 

[Zhills]

Her choice.  Don't worry about her, just call her every day. 

Maybe get her a computer or Alexa show time through Amazon to keep in touch. 

Living alone is much easier in familiar surroundings!  I considered "downsizing?" but decided against it!