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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,985
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

How would you this handle family dilemma?

[ Edited ]

I see so many kind and bright posters at this forum, I wanted to get others' thoughts about my dilemma... 

My Dad passed4 yrs ago and Mom is an "older" 85 yr old, meaning she she doesn't get around very stably, does not drive, has no spirit or will to do anything but watch TV 24/7, although no real health issues at this time.  She lives in NJ, alone in the larger house that my sister and I grew up in. She is very resistant to change and refuses to move. I live in CT, a 2 yr (not pretty) drive away. I go there every 6-7 weeks to bring her dinner entrees and take her to appointments.
My sister who lives 20 minutes away in NJ, is "hand-washer" type of person, who washes her hands regarding helping with anyone ( or caring about anyone but herself) and doesn't even visit or call Mom ever. I have tried to get her to do anything to help but she lashes out if she has to be 'obligated' to do anything- 
Sis and I often fight and are in a fight now ( she is nasty and attacks me constantly) because I want to move my Mother closer to me, but my sister is calling me overbearing and says I enable my mother ( really:  she doesn't want to sell the house and use up the money)-  Money is always her motivation... 

How would you handle this? Thank you- 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,456
Registered: ‎05-09-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

I am sure you will get some thoughtful replies here.  My only thoughts are that 1 - your sister is not going to change, 2 - this is not worth you and your sister fighting over, and 3- you have to do what is best for your Mom.  That is the tricky part.  If you Mom does not want to move from the home that she has lived in for years, she may not be happy living closer to you.

 

If your Mom is doing okay with the current arrangement, maybe you should just leave it at that, even though it is a pain for you.  When her health deteriorates more, where she needs more constant care, then maybe you can convince her it is time to sell the house and live closer to you.  Your sister has no claim to the money and she will just have to get over it if the house proceeds go to her care.  Good luck with this.  Nothing is easy when dealing with aging parents.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,086
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

[ Edited ]

I would move my mother closer to me, if she's agreeable. 
Your sister is under the impression that she's going to get money from the sale of the family home.

 

Does you mother have a will? She could decide to leave the home to anyone she chooses and exclude your sister from getting anything. 

You should also consider having your mother give you power of attorney while she is still mentally competent. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,049
Registered: ‎06-09-2014

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

I would forget Sis since you know that's a brick wall and anxiety and stress you do not need. And Mom is going to do Mom since your sister probably didn't get it from anyplace strange. 

 

If you are looking to have some help, maybe there is an organization or visiting companion that could check on her every once in a while in between your visits to give you a break and your Mom some extra faces? Maybe a senior program in the area that might bring her out a bit?

 

Or a hobby she likes that you can sign her up for a group that meets and engages in it? Check libraries or craft stores for some commnity classes if you think you have any chance of interesting her in that. Can also be done online if she really loves the comfort of the home. Heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,455
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

[ Edited ]

Does your Mom have an estate plan?  Are you her Executrix?  If the answers aren't       "yes" to both of these questions, it's not your problem!  From what you've written, your Mom seems to have all her facilities and its her life ( and therefore not yours or your sisters decision).

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,579
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?


@Puppy Lips wrote:

I am sure you will get some thoughtful replies here.  My only thoughts are that 1 - your sister is not going to change, 2 - this is not worth you and your sister fighting over, and 3- you have to do what is best for your Mom.  That is the tricky part.  If you Mom does not want to move from the home that she has lived in for years, she may not be happy living closer to you.

 

If your Mom is doing okay with the current arrangement, maybe you should just leave it at that, even though it is a pain for you.  When her health deteriorates more, where she needs more constant care, then maybe you can convince her it is time to sell the house and live closer to you.  Your sister has no claim to the money and she will just have to get over it if the house proceeds go to her care.  Good luck with this.  Nothing is easy when dealing with aging parents.


I think you gave great advice @Puppy Lips  I couldn't have said it better. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 28,293
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

[ Edited ]

There is lots of excellent advice but one reality:  You can't MAKE your mom do anything until she is to the state where a judge steps in and declares her unable to handle her affairs and appoints someone to do so.

 

In light of this, maybe step back for now, leave it up to sis and mom for awhile and see what happens.

 

Thirty years of experience tell me you have to do what you can do and are able to do, but you don't call the shots.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,863
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

My initial thought is quit talking to your sister, nothing positive is coming out of it.  Once your mother passes, you will have a whole new can of worms to deal with.  Just make it pleasant for yourself until that time.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,393
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

How would your sister feel if you told her you were hiring a care giver and started to spend down the estate?

Super Contributor
Posts: 373
Registered: ‎02-02-2021

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Is your Mom willing to go to your home for a visit..at least a week or so?

If so maybe you can make arrangements for her to see some assisted living places in your area.This way she can see what it's like and maybe she will like it.

Just a thought.

 

Hopefully you have Power of Attorney to take care of your Mom's finances,medical,etc. Your Sister doesn't need to be part of it..

My sister and I had one for my parents they agreed..My children have it for DH and myself.

 

If not maybe through her Dept. of aging she might be able to get an aide or someone to check on her..even meals on wheels..they stop to talk to the person they are dropping off the food to.

 

My story was different..my Sister and I took care of our parents until they passed..both were ill..We both lived close by..My  Sister was the night shift and I was the day shift..

DH and I put off moving until both parents were gone.They also had raised us in that house.

 

Good luck.. it's a tough road..hope you can pull it together.