Among Friends

[Mominohio]

I haven't read the replies, but here is what I would do.

I'd give it one shot, to talk to her alone, and tell her straight out that people don't want to hear this stuff exclusively, but want to talk about other things when they visit. You can be kind, tell her it upsets others to talk about such sad/serious things all the time, and that most people want to include some positive and uplifting things in their conversations. 

If it didn't stop, I'd simply make the visits further and further apart until they stopped. 

Don't know how close a friend she is, but she has to own some of why people don't want to be around her, sad as it may be.

[NYC Susan]

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@SeaMaiden wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@SeaMaiden wrote:

I would drop her like a hot potatoe.  You said she was not a close friend....so why put up with her and let her bring you down?

life is short enough and each of us has  our own  stuff to deal with without someone  else ruining your day.  

That is is what I would do. 

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"Why put up with her?"  Because she's a friend.  Yes, the OP said she's not a very close friend.  But she's still a friend, and the OP said she doesn't want this friend to be upset.  So she cares about her.  Which is nice, and as it should be.  Sometimes friends have to see each other through rough times.  That's what friends do, whether they're best friends or close friends, or sometimes even just very casual friends.

"Drop her like a hot potato" is really harsh.  Minimizing contact and pulling away from long visits is one thing, but simply dropping her is really mean.  The woman is having health issues that are not her fault.  How about a little compassion?  Any of us at any time could have health problems that consume us and overwhelm our lives.  And none of us would want all of our friends to drop us like a hot potato if that happened.

There are many ways for the OP to protect herself without being so cruel to this woman who she considers a friend.  Read the posts above.  Many posters have posted good ideas of ways to be helpful to her friend without sacrificing too much of herself.  A litte distance is fine if necessary, IMO, but dropping her suddenly and completely is a terrible and selfish thing to do.

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@NYC Susan     Some people are users... some people are used... you have to allow yourself to be used by users... it is a choice a person makes.  Take care of yourself FIRST. Then save others.....

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I agree!  But there's nothing to indicate that this woman is a user who deserves to be dropped "like a hot potato".   The OP has described her as a friend who is going through a very tough time.

Dropping someone like a hot potato is something I would not do under these circumstances, especially because it's easy enough to simply step back and just send cards or supportive messages.  It's entirely possible for us to protect ourselves and at the same time not be cruel.

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@qualitygal wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma, for clarification, was she depressed due to the cancer she had? 

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There were a lot of issues in her life at that time.  Actually she handled the cancer situation very well, she was a fighter.  She was living in a different state than her family, she missed them and the new grandchildren.  Once she was on the medication she was her old self again, one would never know she was fighting cancer.  She was my friend for 35 years and I miss her terribly.

[this is my nic]

@OhioAngel

Sorry, I didn't read all the responses to your original post, so this may have been mentioned.

 Visit your friend, but keep it to a specific time limit.  Tell her you have to leave by a certain time, make it as short or as long as you can stand her conversation about her health issues.  If that's too stressful, call her and, again, after you've heard enough tell her you have to go, say good-bye and hang up.  Do not answer if she calls right back.  

She needs an audience, don't play that game.  Be as kind as possible, but assert yourself. 

[stargazergal]

As bad as it sounds it is okay to not answer the phone every time she calls  it is ok to distance yourself to protect yourself.  I could have written this email.  I had not the e energy to listen every single time all of the woes.   I left with heavy feeling s every time.  Do only what you can  what you have energy for.  Do what works for you .

[stargazergal]

I have been tbere.  It was the best decision for both of us.

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@Ladylaughsalot wrote:

I realize that we all have problems, some much more serious than others, but when someone dwells only on the negative it is very unhealthy, both physically and mentally. I know a woman who has no physical disabilities, but she is the most negative woman I have ever known. She finds fault in everything. After knowing her, for over 25 years, I realized this is her personality, and she will never change. For my own sanity, I had to cut her completely out of my life. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over five years. I can’t tell you how much my spirits have lifted since I let her go.  

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