How would you feel? - Page 3

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@OhioAngel wrote:
BUT the kids of the Step Parent are free to stop and see them anytime!!

So what? None of you are "kids" and and, as I said before, you aren't telling us the back story. You aren't telling us the why of it? I was close to my parents until they passed and I never just dropped in on them unannounced. I don't do that to my children or to my sister. The polite thing is to call or text and ask when it's convenient to visit. And you shouldn't visit too often.

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

At first I felt fine with it because I would never EVER just show up at ANYBODY'S house without an invitation or an agreement of a time/date. I'm just like that, from a 'manners' POV.

But when you said that the kids from the other parent's half of the family can come by any time it made it different and I feel bad that you are being treated differently.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I wish there was a way to talk to them and find out what the deal is - or maybe you already know. You don't owe anybody to explain further. But it's awful that you cannot visit your parent without it having to be some kind of appointment deal.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@ Montana wrote:
It sounds like the OP feels she is being treated differently.

ETA OP’s statement: “BUT the kids of the Step Parent are free to stop and see them anytime!!”

Yeah. And I think I can see why they are treating her differently.

SXMGirl · ‎07-07-2010

@OhioAngel, I can understand how you feel if your step-parent's children can stop by any time and you cannot. Since you did not provide the back story or which parent you are speaking of (mother or father), here are a few things to consider.

Are they living in your parent's home or the other's home, or did they purchase a new home together? If the other parent's home, then the children of that parent are probably doing what they always did and you would not have just stopped in at any time. If they are living in your parent's home, I would say that there might be a problem. If that is the case or they purchased a new home together, maybe it is time to sit down with them and express your concern.

It is possible that your parent is just so glad to be married again that no thought has been given as to your feeling left out. You can voice that.

If you feel that your parent is being controlled, you can voice that, but be prepared to never see your parent. This could be because your parent only listens to the new spouse or the new spouse refuses to let your parent see you.

You need to get your concerns and feelings expressed to them and that should guide you as to the real situation. Of course, if you did not have a good relationship previously, do not expect that to change.

I wish you luck.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!

nana59 · ‎05-12-2012

@OhioAngel wrote:
How would you feel if one of your parents remarried and now you have to schedule an appointment to go to see your parent? A day and a time!!

This is how it is now for me. It upsets me more than I can say. I wonder if it is normal among those that remarried.

It makes me feel unwanted, sad, unnecessary and like such an outsider.

Am I making too much of it?

i had a wicked step-mother....my father re-married when i was in my fifties....everything changed....for the worse.....even ended up taking her up to court after my father died.....i know how upsetting it is....it's still upsetting....i always treated his wife with respect....but it was obvious she was in it for the money....

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
@OhioAngel wrote:
BUT the kids of the Step Parent are free to stop and see them anytime!!

So what? None of you are "kids" and and, as I said before, you aren't telling us the back story. You aren't telling us the why of it? I was close to my parents until they passed and I never just dropped in on them unannounced. I don't do that to my children or to my sister. The polite thing is to call or text and ask when it's convenient to visit. And you shouldn't visit too often.

What???? You are telling a daughter NOT to visit her parent too often?

What’s up with that? Almost every parent I know complains that they don’t see their adult children often enough.

My kids are welcome to visit anytime. If I had a new spouse that tried to change that, he would be my x-spouse. I would not put up with a request like that...unless there was a big problem due to drugs, alcohol, fighting, etc.

No one gets between me and my children...no one. I m sure my DH feels the same way.

Unless there is a big issue we don’t know about, this is a strange request.

Yes, my kids call to see if it is okay and check to see if I am home....but not always. My oldest son stops in before he gets his hair cut fairly often for about 15 minutes and my grandson is always with him. I love surprise visits too.

My kids all have keys to our home and they are welcome to come in if we aren’t home.

SXMGirl · ‎07-07-2010

@nana59, unfortunately, things can get worse, as you can attest to. I have a friend who was in a similar situation; and, to make a long story short, her mother's husband had her arrested and she went to prison for a year. It was awful. My friend made a terrible mistake, but his kids stole everything from her.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!

Mary Bailey · ‎03-09-2010

Oh yeah. I believe it. Calling is really no big deal, an "appointment" seems a bit rigid.

When DH's parents got divorced, his mother told the him, "You're on your own now"

he was 9.

He had to work at the golf course to get fed. He took out garbage & cook fed him. His mother worked as waitress and she ate there. The same for his older sisters. When she re-married he had to sleep on the enclosed porch because her husband needed the bedroom for his ham radio.

I could go on, but won't.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

The new spouse is more comfortable with his/her children and your parent doesn't have an issue either way who comes and when.

You didn't state whether the new spouse is stepmother or stepfather. If it is the stepmother, perhaps she wants to get the house cleaned up before you pay a visit.

Susan in California · ‎06-02-2014

My mother passed away when I was 23, and my father remarried soon after. My stepmother was 14 years younger than my dad and had three daughters, aged 16, 13 and 9. (she was a widow)

My relationship with my father changed dramatically. My father moved into the home my stepmother's first husband had built, so I never felt like it was my dad's home when I visited.

I felt that my step-mother was a good person, and my dad was happy, so I made the adjustment. My own sister really struggled with sharing our dad with his new wife, and the irony was my sister was older than I and a newlywed herself.

I do think remarriage of one's father can offer some challenges.

In my case, both were widowed so there were no ex-spouses

to deal with.

I never just dropped in for visits (I lived 100 miles away anyway).

Visiting became somewhat formal, but it worked out.

I married two years after my father remarried, so my own life changed as well.

I was able to see my dad alone at his office.

But overall, I felt he was happily married and enjoying his life a great deal, so that is what made me happy too.