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Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,220
Registered: ‎03-30-2014

Re: How would this make you feel?

Two useful things to consider in complicated situations:

 

There are many sides to the story

and

You have to own and clean up your share of the mess

 

Good luck to you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,217
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?

[ Edited ]

I was wondering if you reached out to them as far as a telephone call or an invite to your home? Reaching out is a two-way street. Many times when someone hasn't reached out to me for awhile, I try reaching out first just to see how they are. 

 

Sometimes that works....sometime not. I'm glad you have friends that do. If  reaching 

out to them doesn't work then I think I would just concentrate more on my friends 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,893
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

Re: How would this make you feel?

So it sounds like your SIL doesn't consider you family anymore since your brother died. Unfortunately I've seen this happen. 

"Pure Michigan"
Valued Contributor
Posts: 814
Registered: ‎08-05-2018

Re: How would this make you feel?

@cookinfreak I think sometimes we all had to make decisions to attend family gatherings, weddings, holidays ,birthdays,which can be a hard decision, have been there and have found myself finally being strong enough to turn down invitations, as I really think it is just out of obligation,as we get older  that they make the invite , it's like we can't forget to ask so and so,cause she is related to us. But for the other days, months  nothing.

As we get older we have to do what we think is best for ourselves and if you feel uncomfortable there is your answer live for yourself and not trying to please others.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,876
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?

 


@ID2 wrote:

So it sounds like your SIL doesn't consider you family anymore since your brother died. Unfortunately I've seen this happen. 


that was my very first thought. 


Harmonize the World
Honored Contributor
Posts: 34,830
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?

The big question is does the OP consider them family. . . 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,086
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?

It's simple.  You consider them to be your family but they do not consider you to be family.  When your brother passed, their relationship to you ended in their eyes.  They invited you to the Fourth but probably only because they invited "Friends and associates".    You say they invite you to birthdays and holidays so that means you are in the "friend" group.  You are not family and you are not going to get that close family relationship you want.   If they do invite you for the holidays, go or don't go.  Do what makes YOU happy.  I do wonder how close you all were before your brother passed away.   Is it possible you never were particularly close?

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 34,830
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?


@chrystaltree wrote:

It's simple.  You consider them to be your family but they do not consider you to be family.  When your brother passed, their relationship to you ended in their eyes.  They invited you to the Fourth but probably only because they invited "Friends and associates".    You say they invite you to birthdays and holidays so that means you are in the "friend" group.  You are not family and you are not going to get that close family relationship you want.   If they do invite you for the holidays, go or don't go.  Do what makes YOU happy.  I do wonder how close you all were before your brother passed away.   Is it possible you never were particularly close?

 


@chrystaltree Another possibility is that the OP is the one who will have to fit into their family dynamic.  Maybe become more involved by getting them to share memories of her husband, talking about him with them, finding out what was special in their relationship, and sharing some of her thoughts about him with them.

 

Her husband, after all, was the link with these people, so their common bond is him.  And to share that would, we can hope, bring them closer. 

Super Contributor
Posts: 285
Registered: ‎05-28-2010

Re: How would this make you feel?

The family IS INVITING YOU.  That says something.  If they really couldnt care less, you would not hear from them.  Folks are not mind readers.   What would make you happy?   One thing IS puzzling though. You said you were calling in sick to work 3 weeks in a row.  Finally the 4th week,  sounds like your workplace contacted SIL to call first responders, who broke down your door!    Did you reach out to anyone, your work, your SIL to let her know how ill you were before it got critical?  Why would you NOT reach out?

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,735
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

Re: How would this make you feel?


@Sooner wrote:

@chrystaltree wrote:

It's simple.  You consider them to be your family but they do not consider you to be family.  When your brother passed, their relationship to you ended in their eyes.  They invited you to the Fourth but probably only because they invited "Friends and associates".    You say they invite you to birthdays and holidays so that means you are in the "friend" group.  You are not family and you are not going to get that close family relationship you want.   If they do invite you for the holidays, go or don't go.  Do what makes YOU happy.  I do wonder how close you all were before your brother passed away.   Is it possible you never were particularly close?

 


@chrystaltree Another possibility is that the OP is the one who will have to fit into their family dynamic.  Maybe become more involved by getting them to share memories of her husband, talking about him with them, finding out what was special in their relationship, and sharing some of her thoughts about him with them.

 

Her husband, after all, was the link with these people, so their common bond is him.  And to share that would, we can hope, bring them closer. 


I think the OP's SIL is her deceased brother's wife not her husband's sister.  She said she is not married.  So then her SIL is a widow.  I don't know if the SIL works or what her family (children and grandchildren) responsibilities are.  

 

The OP mentioned "several" medical emergencies the SIL's grandchildren suffered - about which OP  wasn't informed until later.  I don't know how serious these were or what issues they may have created for the SIL.

 

It's possible the SIL has a lot on her plate - which could be why she didn't visit OP in the hospital - although she did respond to the supervisor's call to check on OP and called the ambulance which took her to the hospital - so she isn't completely unavailable and uncaring.