How would this make you feel? - Page 3

Zoe · ‎06-10-2015

Fair. I don't see it as begging. I see it as honestly expressing feelings.

But do we know what has been going on in the SIL's life during that time? You say "no excuse" but....what if one of her grandkids was sick at the time...or her extended family also had issues going on within her side of the family? (OP admits she doesn't know everything going on within that family unit, I think...?) Maybe nothing else was happening in the SIL's life/family, and it was just awful of the SIL not to check in at all. But what if you ask and find out that something big and awful was going on but just wasn't shared? You'd be ending a familial relationship based on assumptions. Right?

That's why I say give them the opportunity to explain by having the conversation. If their excuse is lame or they say they are going to try to do better but don't. Then, asked and answered -- and totally move on with your life.

I just believe in being direct. Just not turning up at events or stopping responding to texts/invites seems a bit unclear. Have the conversation. Then, if you decline, they will know why. Again, I just believe in being clear -- clear intentions, clear emotions, clear conversation.

(Edited to fix tagging issue, I hope.)

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@cookinfreak Not sure I would just cut off family. How uncomfortable do they make you feel? Are you letting that feeling affect how you interact with them? Do you make an effort at gatherings to be happy, smile, listen to people and show happiness for their successes and share in their kids accomplishments, achievements etc?

I am making no judgment here, I don't know the people, but sometimes acceptance has to come from YOU not them. Just an idea. Take it or leave it. But I wouldn't give up unless you don't feel like you could make one more genuine effort when you all are together.

If you can't then write them off and forget it. Your choice. I wish you much luck and happiness in whatever path you take!

JeanLouiseFinch · ‎10-03-2011

@cookinfreak wrote:
Hi All
Just wondering what you would think if you were in my situation. The last few years my family (which is my S-I-L, (my brother has passed), their two kids, and they each have two kids). I am not married. When we have gotten together for the past several years for holidays my SIL announces "Family Pictures" and calls them all by name. Not one time have they asked me to be included in any. I used to say I wanted pics, but most of the time you could tell they weren't interested. I quit asking. Last year and this year, I did hear from them on my bday (which is in May) but not really any other time except to invite me to the bday parties and they did ask me to the holidays.
I don't know if you remember, but I was in the hospital for 10 days in March and was very, very sick. A few days in Cardiac Int Care.I didn't hear from anyone in my family (I did hear from friends) to ask how I was doing when I was in the hospital and after I got home. I was home for 4 months. I got invited to 4th of July and that is the last time I heard from anyone. Last year the same thing. Didn't hear anything from the 4th of July to Nov when I got a group text for a bday party. I havent heard anything again since July. There has been several cases where the small kids have had medical emergencies but I wasn't told about them. I feel like I am invited only out of obligation. I really don't feel like I should go to any other holidays. I would feel very uncomfortable.
Sorry this got long and hope it makes sense. TIA

cookin

How the rest of us feel is immaterial. You've already expressed how you feel and that's what matters. If you would feel very uncomfortable, then stay home. But realize, though, that this could completely cut you off from these family members forever. Can you live with that? If so, stay home and don't expect any future invitations.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@cookinfreak How would I feel? Hurt. I'd feel hurt. I'd also possibly feel I am 'family' in name only and perhaps it's best to simply nurture friendships and consider inviting friends for holidays or accepting invitations they might offer. I suspect your in-laws aren't intentionally being mean, but simply don't feel as close to you as you would like and hence the peripheral and intermittent involvement they seem to offer. Alternatively, you might consider reaching out to them on occasion, issuing the invitation once in a while, and see what the response might be.

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

FancyPhillyshopper · ‎05-02-2017

Just because people are family does not mean they are obligated to constantly invite you or check in on you. As an aunt and great aunt, you are not really on the daily radar anyway.

I have family in different countries that I have not seen for more than a decade (but we email and call). I also have relatives who live close by and a year can go by before we get together.

We are all busy, and life goes on with everyone. Working adults with children can be especially overwhelmed. Your SIL is probably a busy grandmother who misses her husband.

A relationship goes both ways.

Do you ever call them and invite them, or do anything for them? Do you ever go to visit them with gifts? Do you ever bring a camera and take your OWN pictures? Do you ever invite your SIL for lunch, just the two of you, to catch up? Did you ever text or communicate with the children and grandchildren?

Yes, in modern times young people are not quite as courteous or thoughtful--everything is instantaneous and by text, etc. Thank- you notes have gone by the wayside.

Instead of taking everything personally and feeling hurt and sorry for yourself, just realize that life in the present may not be like life was in the past. What does it even mean to "cut someone off" when you hardly see them anyway, and it is not like they are doing anything deliberately mean.

I try to make sure I am happy and busy with my own pursuits, and it is always nice to connect with others as time, energy and opportunity allow. Family ties will always be there, but to make them tighter, you have to work at it as well.

Best wishes!

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@cookinfreak

Please keep in mind that you can pick your family, but you can't pick your relatives.

Perhaps that SIL was always like that, but your brother had final say. Who knows?

Have the other attendees in the family pictures given you any insights or said anything?

Personally, I have occasionally deliberately embarrassed rude people. "What am I, chopped liver?" "Is there a problem we need to sort out?"

Perhaps it has less to do with you, and more to do with her being rude and just having bad manners.

mildoo · ‎02-06-2017

Families are very, very complicated. I would not try to converse with them about this or try to find out why they treat you so poorly. I would try not to waste any more time in trying to figure them out, I would move on. If you have strong friendships, I would to try create a family of friends. Your family does not have to be blood relations. Spend time with your friends, include your friends and build stronger ties. You do not need those people to survive. You can be happy and productive without your blood family and I speak from experience. Thery are who they are and they are not going to change, but you have to change your reaction to them. Your health and well-being is not contingent on them. Take care of yourself, put yourself first and hold your head up high. Don't let your family diminish you. There are a lot of descriptions for them, but you have spent enough time on them, time to move past them, they will not change.

rms1954 · ‎06-06-2019

@cookinfreak It matters how it makes YOU feel. Sounds like you're feeling like you're not truly a part of that family and somewhat hurt. Maybe slowly stop showing up for the invites. See if they notice or call you. Maybe time to just stick with your friends.