How would this make you feel? - Page 6

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
It's simple. You consider them to be your family but they do not consider you to be family. When your brother passed, their relationship to you ended in their eyes. They invited you to the Fourth but probably only because they invited "Friends and associates". You say they invite you to birthdays and holidays so that means you are in the "friend" group. You are not family and you are not going to get that close family relationship you want. If they do invite you for the holidays, go or don't go. Do what makes YOU happy. I do wonder how close you all were before your brother passed away. Is it possible you never were particularly close?

@chrystaltree Another possibility is that the OP is the one who will have to fit into their family dynamic. Maybe become more involved by getting them to share memories of her husband, talking about him with them, finding out what was special in their relationship, and sharing some of her thoughts about him with them.

Her husband, after all, was the link with these people, so their common bond is him. And to share that would, we can hope, bring them closer.

That should have happened after her husband died. Reading her story it's too late for any bonding now. They don't want it. She isn't family to them now. Perhaps she never was. And I can understand that because I suspect that even the husband was alive, they were not particularly close. They still invite her for holidays and birthdays but she wants a close family relationship and that isn't going to happen. This speaks to the fact that family relations need to be nurtured over time by everyone involved. Family is what we make it.

branny · ‎01-19-2012

if you have a relationship with the kids, just stick with that, unless the kids act uncaring also. Sometimes in life we just gotta move on to keep ourselves sane.

good luck.

AngelPuppy1 · ‎03-13-2010

@cookinfreak

That is sad and I feel for you. I would try and spend my time and energy more on your friends, as they are the ones who seem to be more concerned about you. Maybe on special occasions and holidays, try to reach out to them and make plans with them. If the family members do happen to decide to include you occasionally, then I would accept graciously and then just continue on with your friends and not give the others such a big space in your heart and mind. Blessings!

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

I feel for the OP but relationships do need to be nurtured. If she does not feel close with her husbands family, then either attend events she is invited to and don't stay long or just quit attending. Not saying that will be easy, especially if she is lonesome.

We have one adult child (my stepdaughter) that lives local (the other lives across the country). ..she has two kids.

One of our grandkids is married with 2 kids the other granddaughter is expecting.

The girls are not overly close with their mom, nor are the girls close with each other...which presents issues.

Everyone loves each other but we are not close as a family.

We get together for Christmas and a joint summer birthday, that is the only time we see the grandkids and great grand kids.

I understand the grand kids are busy with work, kids, etc, it is what it is...we just do our best to go with the flow.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

I think as others have said you should spend some time thinking about your side of things. It does come across like you've been expecting them to do the reaching out. As you said you'll just wait to see if you're invited to Thanksgiving. That isn't being very pro active in the family. Why not reach out right now to the kids and find out what the little kids are doing for Halloween. Invite them over to show off their costumes or for a special treat. And no one should get worked up over graduations if you're talking about the actual ceremony because those things are usually limited.

If you do decline thanksgiving you should say you don't feel all the welcome and like and obligation but also expect to hear an answer you might not like. If you go bring your phone and ask someone to take your picture with the kids. It's possible she's just in the routine of having an immediate family picture and there's nothing wrong with that but you should have been jumping in right after asking for more pics. Assuming that you really want them.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

if you want to go, go. If not don't.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

This situation as written would make me feel the exact same way it makes you feel.

However, if I truly loved and wanted my brothers family in my life, I would make more of an effort to be a part of their lives. I have 2 brothers and one nephew; if I lost a brother, I would be making every effort to stay connected to my sisters-in-law, and my nephew.

How often are you inviting them to your home? Regardless of how long your brother has been gone, his wife and children are struggling in some way.

MoJoV · ‎10-01-2010

I don't want people who don't want me. Never did.

They sound rude and unkind, who needs that?

Trees are the lungs of the Earth

Angeldrawers · ‎08-04-2015

Things change, people change. Find your own “ family”. Doesn’t seem that they’re there for you anymore. I’m sorry for any hurt feelings you have but it’s their loss. Bless you!

sabatini · ‎06-29-2015

Sometimes it helps to hear things from other's perspectives.

I had a maiden aunt who was always included in family get togethers. Perhaps because she lived alone, she looked at everything through a narrow lens.

She'd say "So&so never calls me." But she never made a call.

She'd say "I walked into the room and no one even said hello." But she could've easily walked into the room with a breezy wave and a cheery "Hello, all!", couldn't she?

I learned something from a friend many years ago when I told him that I was dreading a particular family event.

He'd been a drama major in college and was a very theatrical kind of guy. Well, he swept his arm upward with a flourish and cried out "ACTING!", & told me to pretend that I was in a starring role of: a joyful guest who would enjoy every single moment of that ghastly event....and it worked!!

Everyone there thought I was the most delightful of guests and was having the most marvelous time.

As @Sooner previously mentioned, family events don't need to be like a Norman Rockwell painting, so just relax, @cookinfreak, and try to enjoy the day.

And when it's time for Family Pictures, be the 1st one to stand up and say "Yippee! I'm in!"

Muddling through...