Among Friends

[RetRN]

@cookinfreak, no one should ever feel obligated to attend any party or holiday festivity. And no one should be made to feel guilty about their choice. If you don't feel welcome or cared about I would just do my own thing and let them do theirs.

[DSD2]

My heart goes out to you.

Your family's actions go beyond thoughtless, they are unkind, uncaring and utterly selfish.

I agree with those who have advocated that you seek out the company of those who care about you. And whom you care about.

The holidays are a time to feel loved. And cherished. You deserve so much more than sitting in a crowded room, feeling alone.

Families encompass a broad range of people. Friends are family and are often more joyous and welcoming than those to whom we are "related".

Bless you...

[Tinkrbl44]

@cookinfreak 

Sorry if I missed it, but is there any person in this extended family who is objective and can perhaps give you their perspective on what's really happening there?   

Perhaps you are missing something important here with this situation.  

[Sooner]

Maybe it is just me, but many times now I don't expect much out of people.  If they don't offend me or yell at me, it's a good visit. . . So go, enjoy the food and hearing about what they are doing and go home.

It doesn't have to be a big love fest in many families.  Polite and friendly is good enough.  And many of us would hope for that. . . some families (one side of mine was) are just that way.  The other side was wonderful and great people.  One side cold and narcissistic.

[mrshckynut]

reminds me of harry chapin's song "cats in the cradle" 

stick with good friends

mrshckynut 

[BirkiLady]

Have you every made a phone call to your SIL or any other those family members to make them feel like you want to be included in the family and are genuinely interested in them?  

Have you had the family over for a family gathering in the last five years?

Do you call the person hosting the gathering and ask if she needs help?

Do you ever offer to bring a couple of the dishes for the meal?

Do you stay afterwards to help clean up the dishes and chaos of a great family gathering so your SIL is able to help her daughter with children?

If you answer NO five times, you have the answer why the family isn't anxious to include you in their family gatherings. You haven't behaved as a family member. Perhaps a change in attitude and behavior would encourage them to welcome you with more open arms.

A family plays together, works together and prays together. It's a two-way street. Seems like you are only going to their family gatherings. I'll ask again: Do you ever invite them to anything?  

[AZfem]

@cookinfreak 

I think the deep tie between you & that family is gone - your brother. In laws are often not as invested in the spouses family. Does SIL have her own family on her side?  I would not not expect much from in laws unless I was extremely close with them. 

[Desertdi]

My in-laws don't bother me.    They think that anyone who lives West of the Hudson isn't worth speaking to...

[Isobel Archer]

So your SIL, a widow, and her two kids and their kids are your family.

It sounds like you are not close to your SIL other than waiting for her or her kids to issue invitations.

I agree it's sad that she didn't visit you in the hospital, but as others have noted, maybe she was overwhelmed with life herself.  Maybe she thinks it's sad that you weren't close enough to know about her grandchilden's medical emergencies (more than one apparently) and thus you didn't visit or offer to help then either.

I clearly don't know the full story, but am only reacting to the info you shared.

If you want a better relationship with her, maybe reach out - offer to take her to lunch or some activity you know she'd enjoy.  How do you celebrate her birthday?  Do you do something special for her?

Relationships require attention - and remember that she has two children and grandchilden that she needs to attend to.  When you are by yourself, it is easy to focus on what family should be doing for you, but it is a two way street.

[CalminHeart]

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@cookinfreak wrote:

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible feeling to be left out or forgotten. I'm truly sorry you have to deal with this.

How big is your friend group?  Can you join any of them for holidays? Or, do you need to expand your friend group?

Join a senior center and participate in a couple of things. I joined one and took yoga, fitness classes, played cards, volleyball, and joined in on a couple of party things over the last year. It made a difference.

Do charity work if you can.

Participate in things at your church.

How about having a calm, sweet, sit-down alone with your SIL and ask if you can be part of their family. Tell her how much you love them and that you would like to be family with them. 

Call your SIL periodically to say hi. Don't wait for them to call you.

As your SIL to coffee or lunch, just the two of you.

Just some thoughts.