Among Friends

[Growing]

I don't know how old you are or how old your friend is, but I wonder if her executive functioning in her brain has started to erode. She may be so consumed with her house problems that her brain is on overload. Maybe she wants you to visit her because driving is harder for her perhaps, and then she forgets and the truth is her mind is on the new house problems. You did a nice thing by taking flowers but maybe that kind of giving makes you resentful when you show up and she has forgotten. She may have always been sort of self absorbed or perhaps this is a new thing. Things to think about, you know her best. 

I like the kind but honest approach or the more putting ourselves first approach. Except if she is older and starting to have executive function decline, then it might easily be something she can't absorb or understand or change. People who get to the forgetful stage in life often are embarrassed and won't admit it. So they may get angry when reminded that their brain is having some issues. I would also suggest you just step back and stop doing and giving with her. You can call her and talk to her but keep this by phone only. Invite her to your house first before she invites you. Or say something direct like "isn't it your turn to come over here?" and see what the answer is. 

If you are really done, then just let it go. Talk to her when she contacts you if you want, put no effort into it, and let it go. You can break up with her if you want by telling her how you feel, but first think things through a little more and understand that your always giving, always going to her house, tells her you are okay with this. She is frazzled or something and thinks your coming over is what you want to do. People treat us how we let them. Not saying be mean but I am saying stop being overly nice and giving when you are resenting this. Some relationships are not two way streets and never were. We may get tired of the demands on us and decide to reduce contact. Others are no longer two way streets when our friend can no longer sustain their end of the doing and giving. We can still be friends on their level if we want if this is a brain health issue where she can't do any different any longer. 

[ThinkingOutLoud]

I agree with the posts that say just let it go but thinking about it more, I see another option and that is to just shift it and set boundaries. What I mean is to change it to email or phone or text only and keep it short and positive. This way, there's still some contact (in case she doesn't have many friends) but you're not setting yourself up to be dumped on all the time with her problems. I hope this makes sense and fwiw, I've shifted a couple friendships, too, because they were either to one-sided or negative.

eta - Seeing your tagline (...kindness...) - it would be a kind thing to text or email her positive/funny memes or cartoons periodically instead of cutting her off entirely.

[Etoile308]

I'm a big believer in not burning bridges. And it's understandable that at different stages in life our priorities and interest change. But if this individual was once truly a friend I would still keep the lines of communication open. And be truthful in a diplomatic way.

Next time you try to get together suggest a location you've been to before. Or a location halfway. Take your cue from her reaction to the suggestion. 

[CelticCrafter]

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@mintedrose wrote:

that you dont wanna be friends with them anymore? 

I have this friend who always wants to do things on her terms. I didnt mind so much before but now its getting old. I drive 45 mintures to see her but she never comes to where I live.

Last time is what really did it. She invited me over to visit. ( I think it was just to show off  her new house).  I told her I was on my way as I was driving up and she tells me that she totally forgot that she invited me!!  She had just texted me two days before. I mean I can understand that some people have so much on their mind but still you dont forget about inviting a friend over. I took a nice florist arranged boquet of flowers with a thoughtful card. The entire time I was there, she didnt even sit down with me to chat. All she did was dump her problems on me. She kept talking about issues with the house for the entire time and never really bothered to ask how I was doing. I just felt really bad. As I was leaving she says she'll arrange something for us again and I never hear from her. After two months she texts me apologizing (excuses) about why she disappeared. My time is valuable too and Im starting to feel used. ;(( 

Im not sure how to tell her that I no longer want to be her friend because I feel like I get taken advantage of. 

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@mintedrose Only you can let that happen.  

No need to tell her anything, just let it fade.

[ECBG]

I can totally relate.  It's hard when you like someone's personality- but actions or habits come with that person.

I feel we need to be accepting of the whole person.  Sometimes we just can't. 

Sometimes we just have to close that door.

[GenXmuse]

You don't. You just stop being at her beck and call. 

[hckynut]

@mintedrose 

Read some of what you typed here in this post. You might want to edit it a bit, and then tell your "friend(?)", face to face what and how you feel. 

As I have said in many of my posts, be direct, no tiptoeing around the "tulips". By doing this it is now how badly she wants to remain your friend. Maybe she has something you do, that she would want corrected. I see it as a win, or possibly, a win-win for both of you! 

hckynut 

[chrystaltree]

You don't have to tell her anything.  Just stop taking her calls.  Don't return any phone messages she leaves.  If she gets through say you are "busy".  She'll get the message.

[KathyM23]

Invite her to visit you instead of you visiting her,  If she does perhaps you can rotate where you visit or even meet half way for lunch, shopping, etc.  If she is not willing to do that I would just keep "being busy" and let the visiting die and keep in touch by phone calls, e-mails, etc.   And speak up about your life instead of just listening about hers.

Eventually she may get the message and start agreeing to rotating visits and you two can remain friends.  You two are friends for a reason and friends are not easy to lose.  Long term friends with history cannot not be replaced even though you make new friends.

I would try to keep the friend but change the circumstances.

[Teddie]

I’m sort of in this situation myself. I have a friend who is 11years older than me. Her husband has some serious health problems and we know he will probably leave this world before her. She lives about 20 minutes of highway driving away. It’s a very easy drive. She always wants me to go there, even though I have invited her here.  I have gone there to make it easier on her. But then she’s told me she drives about 3 hours to go see her sister, which tells me the driving isn’t her issue. 

One time we had talked about me going to see her. I told her I’d text when I was leaving, to give her some notice. I texted but she didn’t reply, which was unusual. I waited awhile, then I called her while driving. She had someone there who I didn’t know and I felt like I was going there for nothing. I wished she’d let me know ahead of time. 

There are a lot of forgotten calls she’s promised to make to me. “I’ll call you tomorrow” or “I’ll call you next week.” 

We are due to get together again and even though I’ll invite her here, she’ll suggest I go there. I’m not ready to lose her but it’s not without it’s complications from my perspective.