Holidays - like walking on eggs - Page 6

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Lucky Charm wrote:
Well, OP said 'moocher'. What word would be better? Lazy?

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren).

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day. Just what we do, and maybe others do also.

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal. Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk.

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids. Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

My only issue and I might be the only one, is the timing of all of this. I think there are many great suggestions for lightening OP's load making both Mother's Day and Father's Day a family affair but she waited too long to change things. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I think back to when I was raising young kids and how I would have felt if suddenly someone told me that in a few days I was expected to spend $$$ to eat out...on Father's Day. We wouldn't have been able to afford it. I think that a lot of the "advice" just sounds mean spirited and confrontational for no reason. The "moocher" think makes be think there's more going on here than a dinner. But putting that aside, I think OP should make a nice meal, it doesn't have to be expensive or even time consuming. Roast a chicken and some veggies. Order Chinese, order a pizza. She can ask the daughter if she'll bring the dessert. Later this summer she can sit with her daughter and discuss how they are going to do the holidays.....there are more coming up. She should also be honest with her daughter and let her know that she's at an age when she wants to pass the torch or take turns or share.
I agree that it's too close to Father's Day to start making changes.

And I also agree that a lot of the advice here is mean-spirited and confrontational for no reason. A whole lot of it is manipulative too. The OP needs to disccuss this with her daughter - calmly, and at a time when a holiday is not just a few days away.

No, the daughter needs to discuss it with her mother. Not the other way around.

We're talking father here. So really it's the daughter's responsibility (?) out of caring or love to have something special planned for her father.

It wouldn't be such a short time frame, if the daughter really cared about what she was going to do for her father for Father's day. So, yeah, time is running out if she doesn't have a nice plan in place for her father.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Shanus wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

I think it's called Father's Day for a reason. It's not Husband's Day.
The daughter can be included only if she understands that she will be getting a separate ticket for their meals.

Really? Without even trying to have a conversation with her about all of this first? Changing up plans at the last minute without communicating what's behind it is wrong.

I can't imagine treating a daughter that way. Or throwing an unexpected twist into my husband's Father's Day that is likely to cause drama and hurt feelings. What if she can't afford it or ends up hurt & confused because nothing has been explained to her? That means her father could be deprived of being with his children and grandchildren that day. It's mean to spring this on everyone now with so little notice. Maybe the OP's husband likes the BBQ tradition.

There are ways to fix this situation without being manipulative and unkind. I'm stunned that so many posters here don't seem to be in favor of a simple "clear the air" conversation, and immediately jump to punitive measures when the daughter likely isn't even aware that there's an issue.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Lucky Charm wrote:
Well, OP said 'moocher'. What word would be better? Lazy?

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren).

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day. Just what we do, and maybe others do also.

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal. Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk.

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids. Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

My only issue and I might be the only one, is the timing of all of this. I think there are many great suggestions for lightening OP's load making both Mother's Day and Father's Day a family affair but she waited too long to change things. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I think back to when I was raising young kids and how I would have felt if suddenly someone told me that in a few days I was expected to spend $$$ to eat out...on Father's Day. We wouldn't have been able to afford it. I think that a lot of the "advice" just sounds mean spirited and confrontational for no reason. The "moocher" think makes be think there's more going on here than a dinner. But putting that aside, I think OP should make a nice meal, it doesn't have to be expensive or even time consuming. Roast a chicken and some veggies. Order Chinese, order a pizza. She can ask the daughter if she'll bring the dessert. Later this summer she can sit with her daughter and discuss how they are going to do the holidays.....there are more coming up. She should also be honest with her daughter and let her know that she's at an age when she wants to pass the torch or take turns or share.
I agree that it's too close to Father's Day to start making changes.

And I also agree that a lot of the advice here is mean-spirited and confrontational for no reason. A whole lot of it is manipulative too. The OP needs to disccuss this with her daughter - calmly, and at a time when a holiday is not just a few days away.
No, the daughter needs to discuss it with her mother. Not the other way around.

We're talking father here. So really it's the daughter's responsibility (?) out of caring or love to have something special planned for her father.

It wouldn't be such a short time frame, if the daughter really cared about what she was going to do for her father for Father's day. So, yeah, time is running out if she doesn't have a nice plan in place for her father.

I disagree. They seem to be in a tradition of having a BBQ at the OP's house for Father's Day. Why should the daughter expect this year to be different? If the OP doesn't explain to the daughter how she feels, the daughter has no reason to think that it won't be the same. She won't know that her Mom wants to make some changes unless someone tells her.

It's up to the OP to open a dialogue with her daughter, and explain that she no longer feels she wants to host all family holidays. An actual conversation could solve the entire problem

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

For all of those who feel that Mom should be vindictive towards the daughter, just remember that the daughter would then have every right to then say, "I guess the kids and I won't be around nearly as much any more."

Being vindictive can come back to bite you in the ....

At this late stage of the game, the o/p should go ahead with the barbeque, but she must at some point in the near future, let the daughter know that things can't continue the way they are.

The daughter may not even know that Mom is getting worn out from all of the cooking, and if the two of them sit down and have an open and honest conversation, then maybe they can come up with a plan on what to do for holidays here on forward.

No manipulation.

No vindictiveness.

Just a calm, open and honest conversation.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
For all of those who feel that Mom should be vindictive towards the daughter, just remember that the daughter would then have every right to then say, "I guess the kids and I won't be around nearly as much any more."

Being vindictive can come back to bite you in the ....

At this late stage of the game, the o/p should go ahead with the barbeque, but she must at some point in the near future, let the daughter know that things can't continue the way they are.

The daughter may not even know that Mom is getting worn out from all of the cooking, and if the two of them sit down and have an open and honest conversation, then maybe they can come up with a plan on what to do for holidays here on forward.

No manipulation.

No vindictiveness.

Just a calm, open and honest conversation.

Thank you! I've been feeling very out-numbered here.

I worked in mental health for many years, and I've seen families torn apart over situations like this. It's so unnecessary. People should talk to each other. There's no reason to be manipulative or punitive. There's no reason for drama and power plays. It can't be fixed if game-playing is the go-to solution.

Continuing to complain about someone without at least making an effort toward honest communication is unfair, and the ramifications can run deep.

KarenQVC · ‎05-13-2010

@seaswirl It would be a mistake to change too much at this time. Moochers do not pay restaurant bills. I would say the gang--8--are welcome to come for ice cream and store bought cake. If the Gang of Eight wants to eat a meal, ask them to pick up takeout on the way over.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with saying you are too old to handle this and that--cooking in this case. Only you know when that day has come. Best wishes.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

I agree with you @NYC Susan.

How many times have there been threads of moms lamenting that they never get to see the grandkids, and that their adult child is a horrible person?

I always have to wonder what the story is from that "horrible adult child's" perspective, because rarely if a relationship is dysfunctional, is it ever 100% the other person's fault.

Lastly, if being vindictive is the go-to "solution", it's no wonder that the adult child wants nothing to do with the mother, and turns around and is vindictive towards Mom.

Afterall, that is what the mother taught them to do.

Then the mother comes here to complain about how "awful" their child is, never acknowledging their part in the dysfunctional relationship.

Bird mama · ‎03-12-2010

@seaswirl

Family conflicts, even minor ones are such a pain :-)

How does your husband feel about their mooching ways? I ask because any change is easier when there is a united front so to speak.

Do you both get to see the daughter and grandkids often or are the holidays the only time?

How important is seeing them? I'm not being funny, I need to speak and see some family more than I need to see and speak to other family.

Since Father's Day is right around the corner I would probably not make any drastic changes and would take one for the team one more time.

There are many elements: wind, fire, water
But none quite like the element of surprise

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

No where did I suggest any vindictiveness.

I guess I'm trying to figure out why the grown daughter doesn't realize this is too much for her DM. Maybe the dear mother is like Plaid Pant's and you're darned if you do.....

I Just Don't know!

Also, have to wonder why the OP titled the thread Holidays - like walking on eggs. Seems maybe she's too timid or afraid to approach the daughter? Might upset the applecart. You know, if the daughter gets stuck feeding her own brood along with her dad (and dear mother) on Father's day. That would stink, eh?

So who knows?

We're all justa speculatin here...

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
@Lucky Charm wrote:
Well, OP said 'moocher'. What word would be better? Lazy?

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren).

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day. Just what we do, and maybe others do also.

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal. Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk.

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids. Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

My only issue and I might be the only one, is the timing of all of this. I think there are many great suggestions for lightening OP's load making both Mother's Day and Father's Day a family affair but she waited too long to change things. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I think back to when I was raising young kids and how I would have felt if suddenly someone told me that in a few days I was expected to spend $$$ to eat out...on Father's Day. We wouldn't have been able to afford it. I think that a lot of the "advice" just sounds mean spirited and confrontational for no reason. The "moocher" think makes be think there's more going on here than a dinner. But putting that aside, I think OP should make a nice meal, it doesn't have to be expensive or even time consuming. Roast a chicken and some veggies. Order Chinese, order a pizza. She can ask the daughter if she'll bring the dessert. Later this summer she can sit with her daughter and discuss how they are going to do the holidays.....there are more coming up. She should also be honest with her daughter and let her know that she's at an age when she wants to pass the torch or take turns or share.

So then what's wrong with my suggestion of just a nice visit with dad (and mom) and the grandchildren?

Nobody's got to fry up a pound of bacon or boil eggs (you make scrambled eggs with boiled eggs? Recipe requested!)

A chit chat with dad would be free and easy. Like I said, plan it around meal time. No one has to help out in the kitchen, no one has to worry about their restaurant tab. Just enjoy her father and the father enjoy her and the kids.