Among Friends

[chrystaltree]

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@Lucky Charm wrote:

Well, OP said 'moocher'.  What word would be better?  Lazy? 

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren). 

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day.  Just what we do, and maybe others do also. 

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal.  Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk. 

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids.  Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

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        My only issue and I might be the only one, is the timing of all of this.  I think there are many great suggestions for lightening OP's load making both Mother's Day and Father's Day a family affair but she waited too long to change things.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  I think back to when I was raising young kids and how I would have felt if suddenly someone told me that in a few days I was expected to spend $$$ to eat out...on Father's Day.  We wouldn't have been able to afford it.   I think that a lot of the "advice" just sounds mean spirited and confrontational for no reason.   The "moocher" think makes be think there's more going on here than a dinner.  But putting that aside, I think OP should make a nice meal, it doesn't have to be expensive or even time consuming.  Roast a chicken and some veggies.  Order Chinese, order a pizza.  She can ask the daughter if she'll bring the dessert.   Later this summer she can sit with her daughter and discuss how they are going to do the holidays.....there are more coming up.  She should also be honest with her daughter and let her know that she's at an age when she wants to pass the torch or take turns or share.  

[Lucky Charm]

I don't know why OP is expected to go ahead/give in, since it's so close to Father's day --to host everyone.

Since it's the daughter's father, she should be scurrying around frettin bout Sunday.  Not OP.

Knock Knock.....Daughter....what have you planned for your dear old dad for Father's Day?????  It coming up quick!

[Imaoldhippie]

All the advise to go out for Dads Day is a bandaid that will only take care of that one day.  What about the rest of the holidays? You need to set boundries and the sooner and the truth will all be better in the long run.

[Melania]

If DD and husband are moochers I doubt they will pick up their half of the check. 

What needs to be said is that you all are going to divvy up the holidays as it is too much for you to do it anymore. Done.

If they balk then say okay, we'll do the holidays that we chose to do and the others  they'll have to be on their own. 

[alicedee]

@chrystaltree.  Just a thought as I read your post...roasting "a" chicken for 10 people (6 of whom may be junior high/high school age?) isn't going to cut it.  Ordering "a" pizza for the same group....more like at least 3-4 pizzas!  Cooking for 10 people requires quite a bit of food and it can get expensive.

I agree it's too late in the game to pull the rug out on this Father's Day...this conversation should have taken place a month ago.  But definitely needs to happen before the next one arrives.

[Shanus]

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@missy1 wrote:

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@depglass wrote:

This is why they invented restaurants.  Several offer Father's Day buffets, same goes for other holidays.  Invite them, but don't offer to pay for their meals. 

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But Op has to make this clear upfront (pay for your own meals). No surprises with the bill. Usually when one invites, they pay.

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To be sure there's no problem at the restaurant, when reservations are made, you can ask for manager and explain you want the meal on separate checks & they'll make a note of that next to reservation.

We have friends who have a lot of cocktails before, during and after dinner. My DH and I drink wine. We ask for separate checks always since our first dinner out w/ them.  The check was split, but we paid an extra $100 for their cocktails plus our share. 

[Shanus]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@Shanus wrote:

Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

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        I think it's called Father's Day for a reason.  It's not Husband's Day.  

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The daughter can be included only if she understands that she will be getting a separate ticket for their meals.

[Shanus]

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@depglass wrote:

This is why they invented restaurants.  Several offer Father's Day buffets, same goes for other holidays.  Invite them, but don't offer to pay for their meals. 

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I wouldn't just "not offer to pay", she may still assume. Let her know at the time of the invitation that she will be paying for herself and family.

[chrystaltree]

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@Sooner wrote:

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@Shanus wrote:

Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

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        I think it's called Father's Day for a reason.  It's not Husband's Day.  

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Yes!

I'd love to hear the OP's husband's feelings about all this.  I think it's pretty likely that he'd enjoy spending the day with his daughter and grandchildren, or at least seeing them briefly.   And even if not, it's wrong to tell the daughter that a decision has been made, and she's now out of the picture.  I don't see the need to be so cold about it.

This really should be about honoring him on Father's Day, and not about punishing the daughter for her past "sins".

I got the idea that for the OP, this is more about the daughter's new husband and the kids.  The guy probably pick up on those negative feelings and he probably would jump for joy to get out of it.  This is just the sort of thing that happens when families don't talk to each other.  They let things fester until there's a big blow up.  OP could have handled the situation in a lot of ways that would have made the whole bunch happy.   Like breakfast....    She could have made a big breakfast and invited the family over to give her husband his gifts....not expensive...no fuss, no bother.

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When did "a big breakfast" become "no fuss, no bother?"  

 It is in my world.  I'd make muffins the day before.  I'd boil some eggs and make a big pan of scrambled eggs.  For a crowd, I cook bacon and sausages in the oven.  People can make their own toast.  Coffee....carton of o.j. and the daughter can bring the donuts.  I'd even get some plastic partyware to make it bright and festive.  Easy for me and my kitchen is not my favorite room in the house.  

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[NYC Susan]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@Lucky Charm wrote:

Well, OP said 'moocher'.  What word would be better?  Lazy? 

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren). 

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day.  Just what we do, and maybe others do also. 

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal.  Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk. 

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids.  Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

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        My only issue and I might be the only one, is the timing of all of this.  I think there are many great suggestions for lightening OP's load making both Mother's Day and Father's Day a family affair but she waited too long to change things.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  I think back to when I was raising young kids and how I would have felt if suddenly someone told me that in a few days I was expected to spend $$$ to eat out...on Father's Day.  We wouldn't have been able to afford it.   I think that a lot of the "advice" just sounds mean spirited and confrontational for no reason.   The "moocher" think makes be think there's more going on here than a dinner.  But putting that aside, I think OP should make a nice meal, it doesn't have to be expensive or even time consuming.  Roast a chicken and some veggies.  Order Chinese, order a pizza.  She can ask the daughter if she'll bring the dessert.   Later this summer she can sit with her daughter and discuss how they are going to do the holidays.....there are more coming up.  She should also be honest with her daughter and let her know that she's at an age when she wants to pass the torch or take turns or share.  

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I agree that it's too close to Father's Day to start making changes.

And I also agree that a lot of the advice here is mean-spirited and confrontational for no reason.  A whole lot of it is manipulative too.  The OP needs to disccuss this with her daughter - calmly, and at a time when a holiday is not just a few days away.