Holidays - like walking on eggs - Page 4

Kitlynn · ‎03-09-2010

I would not say anything and I would not plan anything. If they call you asking what the plan is just respond by saying I guess it is what you have planned we just need to know what time to be there. Then just go on to say that you have been doing the gatherings for years and taking care of everything and now you have decided that you wont' be doing that anymore because it is time for other people to take over doing it. Let them know you will come and will bring one side dish. I think a lot of times we get in such a habit of just stepping up and taking charge and doing it all that we don't think to say No or ask someone else to take a turn. Surprisingly enough when you do it other people will help out and actually do some of the stuff. This is coming from someone who has done all of it for thirty one years and found out by saying this very thing that others have and will take a turn.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

I think it's called Father's Day for a reason. It's not Husband's Day.
Yes!

I'd love to hear the OP's husband's feelings about all this. I think it's pretty likely that he'd enjoy spending the day with his daughter and grandchildren, or at least seeing them briefly. And even if not, it's wrong to tell the daughter that a decision has been made, and she's now out of the picture. I don't see the need to be so cold about it.

This really should be about honoring him on Father's Day, and not about punishing the daughter for her past "sins".

It's the OP's house and the OP doing all the work. I think that leaves the decision about whether or not to entertain up to her. OP doesn't need to "tell" her "the decision has been made" just tell her that either they are going out, or tell her that she isn't doing a meal this year. Easy Peasy.

We need to stop feeling responsible for everything that goes on in the world. A lot of it is our own fault for feeling like we "should," "must", "have to." Simply put, no you don't. If fits are going to be had over this, make sure they are someone else's fits. . .

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

All I know is that guilt, ultimatums and recriminations do not work as motivators to get people to do what you want them to do.

Also, it seems like people expect others to be able to read their minds.

How many times have we read on these boards, people saying, "So-and-so is a user! They never help out! They only take!"

Well, has the offended one ever talked to the "moocher"?

Have they ever said, "Hey, could you give us a hand?"

Odds are, they probably haven't.

The "moocher" probably doesn't know that their help would be appreciated, and are waiting to be asked.

They might think that everything is under control, and the help isn't needed.

As for me, whenever I would try to help my mom in the kitchen, she would yell at me for not doing something right.

If I didn't offer to help, she would yell at me for that, too.

So I was darned if I did, and darned if I didn't.

I doubt that I was the only person in the world to experience that.

Some people are territorial about the kitchen, and are like drill sergeants, and if thing aren't done exactly to their liking, then they scold the one who tried to help.

Who needs that?

So people decide not to help, unless they are asked.

So, the one who wants the help, needs to verbalize that need by saying, "Could you help me out here?", and not to just assume that the person is only there just to "mooch".

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@depglass wrote:
This is why they invented restaurants. Several offer Father's Day buffets, same goes for other holidays. Invite them, but don't offer to pay for their meals.

Well, that door has closed. She can tell them they are going out this year but it's too late to ask them to pay. It's just a few days away, that would be mean since they don't even know there's an issue. This is something she should have spoken with her daughter about weeks ago.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

I think it's called Father's Day for a reason. It's not Husband's Day.
Yes!

I'd love to hear the OP's husband's feelings about all this. I think it's pretty likely that he'd enjoy spending the day with his daughter and grandchildren, or at least seeing them briefly. And even if not, it's wrong to tell the daughter that a decision has been made, and she's now out of the picture. I don't see the need to be so cold about it.

This really should be about honoring him on Father's Day, and not about punishing the daughter for her past "sins".

I got the idea that for the OP, this is more about the daughter's new husband and the kids. The guy probably pick up on those negative feelings and he probably would jump for joy to get out of it. This is just the sort of thing that happens when families don't talk to each other. They let things fester until there's a big blow up. OP could have handled the situation in a lot of ways that would have made the whole bunch happy. Like breakfast.... She could have made a big breakfast and invited the family over to give her husband his gifts....not expensive...no fuss, no bother.

Spurt · ‎03-20-2010

@seaswirl

My sister and I have a mutual friend, she goes to visit her stepmom for all the holidays (her dad passed away, and step mom lives 2 hours away). Her step mom is in her 70;s---she is in good health, but she still works full time....my sister spoke up and toldour friend that her stepmom is getting up their in age and that sure is a lot of work for stepmom to go through to have the holidays dinners for our friend and a few other relatives. My sister suggested that she go down there a few days early and help prepare the food and get her step mom's home ready for guests and stay to clean up too......our friend had never even given that idea a thought.......

Some people just have no common sense when it comes to things like this.. To me its just common courtesy and shows good manners.

If I were you I'd tell her that you were too tired to do the dinner or any family gatherings and you were going to have to pass the torch you are just unable to do it anymore. If she says she's too busy or can't afford it, tell her that you and your husband will make other plans---and then quickly pick up the phone and make reservations for both you and your DH for dinner for that date....And let your DD and her gang fend for themselves.....If you feel real guilty then buy a ready made cake and some ice cream and invite them over for dessert only!

Animals are reliable, full of love, true in their affections, grateful. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

Well, OP said 'moocher'. What word would be better? Lazy?

True that the day is called 'Father's Day' and obviously her DH isn't her father, but he is the father to her child(ren).

I honor my husband on that day also as does he on Mother's day. Just what we do, and maybe others do also.

See no reason for OP to have to do the cooking, clean up, etc. for every holiday or get together.

If the daughter wants to see her dad, fine, but maybe it should be planned before or after a meal. Just a nice sit down and relax with dad and talk.

Not sure what plans the SIL has for the day or the ages of the six kids. Sure would be nice for them to see their grandfather (and grandmother) and she shouldn't have to cook for ten people on Father's Day or all other holidays.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

Also, want to add...lol...

How can a grown woman, a mother/stepmother to six (6) kids NOT know to offer a hand to her own mother who is most likely cooking for at least 10 people when her daughter shows up for a dinner?

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
Take your DH out for a nice dinner. Inform your daughter that's how you decided to celebrate this year and ask her to make her own plans with her Dad. Don't overcome her with statements about "all holidays" or "all occasions". Take them one at a time. No doubt, she'll take the hint.

I think it's called Father's Day for a reason. It's not Husband's Day.
Yes!

I'd love to hear the OP's husband's feelings about all this. I think it's pretty likely that he'd enjoy spending the day with his daughter and grandchildren, or at least seeing them briefly. And even if not, it's wrong to tell the daughter that a decision has been made, and she's now out of the picture. I don't see the need to be so cold about it.

This really should be about honoring him on Father's Day, and not about punishing the daughter for her past "sins".

I got the idea that for the OP, this is more about the daughter's new husband and the kids. The guy probably pick up on those negative feelings and he probably would jump for joy to get out of it. This is just the sort of thing that happens when families don't talk to each other. They let things fester until there's a big blow up. OP could have handled the situation in a lot of ways that would have made the whole bunch happy. Like breakfast.... She could have made a big breakfast and invited the family over to give her husband his gifts....not expensive...no fuss, no bother.

When did "a big breakfast" become "no fuss, no bother?"

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@seaswirl,

Since the current arrangement isn't working well for you, it's definitely time to speak up, and change it.

My maternal grandmother insisted on the whole family eating at her house EVERY Sunday, and holiday. When I was 9, my dad decided it was time for our family of 5 to stay home, and mom cook dinner just for us. He had simply had enough of the family togetherness, and since he worked 5 1/2 days a week, he felt Sunday should be our day together, and that's the way it stayed until I married and left home.

Mom thought my husband and I should come for Sunday dinner and holiday dinners, but we established our own traditions early on, and stick to them today, 42 years later.

The one thing I regret to this day, is that we got pulled into my MIL's Christmas Day plan, and even when it became crystal clear that it was no longer working for the family, she would not hear to changing it, and only after she died were we ever free to celebrate the day our way.