Among Friends

[seaswirl]

My DD and her new (2nd) DH are what you might call moochers.  They are always on the take and never give, especially if it comes to food and dinners.  They rarely host any family gatherings, which means I do it all the time.  I’m getting old and worn down, plus it’s expensive because they have 6 kids between them.   I’m just wondering if there is any “holiday etiquette” in view of the upcoming Father’s Day.  Her husband is a father and MY husband is HER father.  Should I just give in again and say I’ll do the Father’s Day BBQ, or do you think she should step up?

[alicedee]

Why not just call her and say, "I'm not able to do a Father's Day bbq at my house this year.....do you want to do it at yours?  If so, I'll bring ______ (whatever you feel like making and taking)."

See what she says....if not, maybe it's time to stop the family parties except for Thanksgiving and Christmas...or whatever is most important to you?

If she asks you why....be honest.  Say you are getting older and it is getting to be too much....too expensive....whatever your reasons are.

[Sooner]

Announce today that you are all going out and going Dutch on the bill.  Only sensible answer here.  The Dads can like it or lump it.

[homedecor1]

well if you feel the need to host something for Fathers Day how about dessert. Don't know how old the "kids" are but might be fun to host a dessert bar and make ice cream sundaes or something easy.

This is something (entertaining with no reciprocating from those able) I stopped 2 years ago.  My sons are in NJ I visit them for Mother's Day.  Honestly, it's "Father's Day" so it's up to children to do something if they want for their father.

When I moved to FL we had a circle of friends and I hosted every holiday, picnics, etc. then I got smart we never got invited to their homes or their holidays yet they never missed one of ours! So I stopped doing it-hmmmmm wonder where those remaining couples go now! 

I edited because after I posted I realized we are 20+ years younger than the average age in this community! And some of those friends we originally made have died or moved. 

[withaK]

Take your wonderful husband out to lunch or dinner. Suggest to your daughter that "Dad and I will pop in for cake and coffee so you can see him on Father's Day".  My Mom went thru this her sister and half-brother for holidays-- her sister hosted Thanksgiving ( with bad catered food) and her half-brother, his wife and his mom came to us for Easter and Christmas.-- and hosted nothing. When my siblings and I married we took the reins to host holidays and gave my folks the position of parent/guest.

[Imaoldhippie]

In a pleasant tone come right out and tell her that she needs to carry her part of the family feasts and parties.  Tell her you are tired and the expense is getting to be a hardship.  Tell her from now on if you are going to host any holidays it will be your choice and the rest is up to her and others.  Also your hosting will be a bring a covered dish party.  She most likely will whine and get mad but so be it.  Stick to your guns.  She will come around.  Tell her she can start with Fathers Day, and since it is late notice she can postpone it for a week to giver her time to prepare.  Good luck, it will not be easy, but nothing ever is thats worth it.

[StephaniM]

No big deal.  Just tell what you told us.

[Still Raining]

If this is troubling to you, just say "NO".  

[chrystaltree]

I do think she should step in but she isn't my daughter, it's not my family; what I think doesn't matter.  I hear things like this and it makes me happy to come from the family I came from.  My own daughters are in their early 30's now; married with babies and just like I did with my mom, we are just naturally transitioning family holidays and events to them.  The natural flow of things.  I'm 57 but hubby and I did downsize to condo several years ago, so we can't do outdoor parties.  Daughter #1 has a huge house that's on the water and she has a lot of land, so she does the outside entertaining.  Daughter #2 is beginning to take over some of the indoors entertaining and I still have a hand in it too.  I'm also stepping back a little and letting them establish their own family traditions.  To that end; we are all going to get together to celebrate Father's Day on Saturday.  That way the girls can each do their own thing with their own little families.  Depending on the weather Saturday, we are all going to have lunch or an early dinner at my husband's favorite restaurant.  It's right on the water and they serve heaping plates of seafood.  We like sitting outside.  Fried clams, here I come!!!   We'll have a nice long lunch, take some pictures on the beach.  It's the first Father's Day with both our grandbabies.  We'll all come back to our house for cake.  We did a similar thing for Mother's Day except I cooked dinner and the girls brought dessert.  As the holidays roll out, we'll adjust until we all settle into new traditions.   But, in your case, you know your daughter so you have to decide how you are going to handle things.  You can just relax, accept her as the person she is and continue hosting (and paying for) things yourself.   Or you can sit down quietly with her and discuss sharing the things but that probably won't go well and you have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk of hard feelings and even a rift in the family. 

[game-on]

I think I would talk to the child(ren) and say that I had been thinking of the meaning of Father's Day and that is to honor your dad.... he is NOT your dad.... he is their dad.   You could ask what they want to do to honor their dad? 

If they have no plans then I like the idea of another poster.... take DH out for dinner and then go home and if the kids want to drop in they can....

The ball is in their court.  The transition might not be smooth but you will not have to carry all the weight.  Best wishes.