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Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,374
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?

At this point, I would take the reality road, and turn it over to the attorney for settlement.   

 

You have already been put to the test, uncovered more than your dad would have ever suspected from his own family, and the ugliness continues.   While living the rest of your life not speaking to your SIL won’t be a big deal, losing a brother and a nephew, is unthinkable.  

 

I would let the attorney uncover the remaining discretions here, while you step back and grieve properly, then wait to see the whole ugly picture that clearly reveals the trail of who did what, and when.   Let the attorney point the finger at the guilty parties, and be ready to follow his advice.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,988
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@Big Joanie wrote:

Nothing like dealing with relatives when money is involved ...


@Big Joanie 

 

You are quite correct, but my brother will GET his money.

 

I know it is hard to believe from the outside, but I have learned there are people in this world for whom CONTROL is their ultimate thing.  Money is great, but they really thrive on CONTROL.  It is sick and hard to understand that someone would seek it so strongly.

 

Her son was her first subject.  No one would want to read what she did with him.  She considered him "hers" in a very possessive way, and pretty much withheld him from my family.  Now he's 20 years old, and she cannot control him the same way.  My father became her next subject.  She was ingratiating, manipulating, and up in his business all the time.  I actually warned him about her.  I was his only daughter - I had nothing to gain from saying it except a true warning.  He didn't want to believe it.  But he had been losing his "normal" way of thinking for a long time.

 

Being an Executor is a lot of hard work.  No glory in it at all.  She was assuming her husband was co-executor so she could control things through him.  She went to assisted living and threw away his clothes the night he died.  Never checked with his DAUGHTER, much less Executor.  She had notes written on things by the day after his death.  She was planning her work through my brother.  And when I notified my brother I was sole Executor, she flipped out - literally.  NO ONE should want to be an Executor!

 

10 years ago, when my father was in his right mind, he named only me as Executor and Trustee of his Trust.  All I am trying to do is honor his request.  Coveting control can be a sick thing.

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,988
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@Porcelain wrote:

I wouldn't confront them, exactly. I'd just mention to them in passing that as the Executor, I had the address changed. Then move on as if it were nothing. (With a little smile to myself.)

 

Going forward I wouldn't take their word on anything to do with the subject.


@Porcelain 

 

I wrote him an email saying that I looked into getting NO MAIL from assisted living all this time.  I told him they suggested I file a report with the postal service.  They did!

 

By law, this is illegal under federal statute.  Only an executor (legal representative) can change a deceased person's address, etc.

 

So I said I was going to file a report, complaint, whatever, about my not receiving his mail.  Let's see if he replies!

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,988
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@NickNack wrote:

@hyacinth003   I first want to say that I am completely on your side.  I feel for you having all this stress at this sad time.  

 

I don't think that your father's mail was forwarded to your brother, though, or you wouldn't have been able to forward it to you as you have now done.  It would still be going to them.  Also the stickers would have been on the mail when your s-i-l mailed it to you.  


@NickNack 

 

I have thought long and hard about it.  If assisted living has gotten NOTHING to send me in 2 months, Medicare tells me they mailed things to that address, nothing else makes sense.  The one piece I have gotten (this week) has assisted living address on it, then the yellow sticker to me.

 

I filed a change of address for my brother's address, not assisted living address.  That's where I think it was intercepted.  It had been forwarded to my brother's address, and my request triggered the change to my address from their home address.  Assisted living people state they have gotten NOTHING in 2 months?  Not believable to me.  Someone did something.

 

Hyacinth

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@hyacinth003 wrote:

@Big Joanie wrote:

Nothing like dealing with relatives when money is involved ...


@Big Joanie 

 

You are quite correct, but my brother will GET his money.

 

I know it is hard to believe from the outside, but I have learned there are people in this world for whom CONTROL is their ultimate thing.  Money is great, but they really thrive on CONTROL.  It is sick and hard to understand that someone would seek it so strongly.

 

Her son was her first subject.  No one would want to read what she did with him.  She considered him "hers" in a very possessive way, and pretty much withheld him from my family.  Now he's 20 years old, and she cannot control him the same way.  My father became her next subject.  She was ingratiating, manipulating, and up in his business all the time.  I actually warned him about her.  I was his only daughter - I had nothing to gain from saying it except a true warning.  He didn't want to believe it.  But he had been losing his "normal" way of thinking for a long time.

 

Being an Executor is a lot of hard work.  No glory in it at all.  She was assuming her husband was co-executor so she could control things through him.  She went to assisted living and threw away his clothes the night he died.  Never checked with his DAUGHTER, much less Executor.  She had notes written on things by the day after his death.  She was planning her work through my brother.  And when I notified my brother I was sole Executor, she flipped out - literally.  NO ONE should want to be an Executor!

 

10 years ago, when my father was in his right mind, he named only me as Executor and Trustee of his Trust.  All I am trying to do is honor his request.  Coveting control can be a sick thing.

 

Hyacinth


 

@hyacinth003 

 

It sounds like SIL is a true narcissist:

 

'No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist who's losing control of someone else's mind.'

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,405
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?

[ Edited ]

@hyacinth003 wrote:

@lolakimono wrote:

@hyacinth003 

When I have had mail forwarded, it has stickers on it like this:

Image result for forward mail label from post office

 

Are you saying that not a single piece of mail has come from your brother and SIL in an envelope?  I would think it would be easy to spot.


@lolakimono 

 

I have gotten NOTHING from them looking like this.  Yet there have been 2 pieces of mail sent to me in an envelope from sister-in-law with the address of the assisted living on it. My brother claims not to know anything about it.  Since I filed for the change of address, I have gotten 2 pieces of mail with the forwarding stickers on them.  I wondered if one of them went to the assisted living and picked it up.  They certainly would have no business taking mail from there, and no one reported them doing that - just that they have gotten no mail there.

 

It's bugging me because I have further work to do that I need certain documents for.  For all the anger and resentment shown me, I have had a LOT of work to do.  They don't have any idea of how much work is involved.  Just trying to track this down took me a few hours.

 

Hyacinth

@hyacinth003 


The Post Office has mail forwarding services. There are two types of residential services, regular and premium. 

The mail comes directly from the PO to the new address. 

The regular service is free and uses the yellow strips. It will forward first class mail only, no junk mail. This method is fine. The Premium service sends all mail in a  priority box for a fee. The Post Office site has information about this service. 

 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,892
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@hyacinth003 wrote:

@NickNack wrote:

@hyacinth003   I first want to say that I am completely on your side.  I feel for you having all this stress at this sad time.  

 

I don't think that your father's mail was forwarded to your brother, though, or you wouldn't have been able to forward it to you as you have now done.  It would still be going to them.  Also the stickers would have been on the mail when your s-i-l mailed it to you.  


@NickNack 

 

I have thought long and hard about it.  If assisted living has gotten NOTHING to send me in 2 months, Medicare tells me they mailed things to that address, nothing else makes sense.  The one piece I have gotten (this week) has assisted living address on it, then the yellow sticker to me.

 

I filed a change of address for my brother's address, not assisted living address.  That's where I think it was intercepted.  It had been forwarded to my brother's address, and my request triggered the change to my address from their home address.  Assisted living people state they have gotten NOTHING in 2 months?  Not believable to me.  Someone did something.

 

Hyacinth

 

 


Good then you do have proof. That mail with two forwarding orders first to your brothers address then to you.  That is how it would work.  Now you can take it to the post office for them to investigate where the missing mail has been going. 

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,837
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: High road or Reality road?


@hyacinth003 wrote:

@NickNack wrote:

@hyacinth003   I first want to say that I am completely on your side.  I feel for you having all this stress at this sad time.  

 

I don't think that your father's mail was forwarded to your brother, though, or you wouldn't have been able to forward it to you as you have now done.  It would still be going to them.  Also the stickers would have been on the mail when your s-i-l mailed it to you.  


@NickNack 

 

I have thought long and hard about it.  If assisted living has gotten NOTHING to send me in 2 months, Medicare tells me they mailed things to that address, nothing else makes sense.  The one piece I have gotten (this week) has assisted living address on it, then the yellow sticker to me.

 

I filed a change of address for my brother's address, not assisted living address.  That's where I think it was intercepted.  It had been forwarded to my brother's address, and my request triggered the change to my address from their home address.  Assisted living people state they have gotten NOTHING in 2 months?  Not believable to me.  Someone did something.

 

Hyacinth

 

 


 

 

@hyacinth003   If you had the address changed from your brother's address and not the assisted living's address, then they definitely filed a change of address.  That's just unbelievable.  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  I finally agree you need to turn this over to your attorney.


The Bluebird Carries The Sky On His Back"
-Henry David Thoreau





Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,326
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

Re: High road or Reality road?


@CrazyDaisy wrote:

What proof do you have that your brother and sister-in-law are doing anything wrong?  I am just seeing a lot of assumptions on your part.


She has listed several things - the most relevent to this post, the fact that she is receiving opened mail from her SIL/Brother when they had no right to open it.  It was not addressed to them and neither of them are Executors of the estate.  Now mail is missing - mail that SIL had somehow been getting despite being repeatedly told it should not be sent to - or retrieved from the AL facility by  - her.  At one point SIL removed money from mail that should have gone to the Executor because she believed brother deserved half.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,326
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

Re: High road or Reality road?


@hyacinth003 wrote:

@Porcelain wrote:

I wouldn't confront them, exactly. I'd just mention to them in passing that as the Executor, I had the address changed. Then move on as if it were nothing. (With a little smile to myself.)

 

Going forward I wouldn't take their word on anything to do with the subject.


@Porcelain 

 

I wrote him an email saying that I looked into getting NO MAIL from assisted living all this time.  I told him they suggested I file a report with the postal service.  They did!

 

By law, this is illegal under federal statute.  Only an executor (legal representative) can change a deceased person's address, etc.

 

So I said I was going to file a report, complaint, whatever, about my not receiving his mail.  Let's see if he replies!

 

Hyacinth


Have the lawyer contact them in the future.  They obviously don't respond to your requests.  Just let the lawyer handle it.