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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,977
Registered: ‎11-21-2011

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!


@Cakers3 wrote:

I cannot believe posters are telling her to divorce him and move on.

 

Over this. 

 

Only the never married and only those bitter over their own marriage dissolution would say such a thing.


I'm never married and I think this divorce talk is nutty. Espceially since people keep jumping over the part where she said he hasn't told him it bothers her. And it sound like he just ignores the things she does that annoy him.Then it blows up. If you're married to someone you should be able to talk about this stuff for heavens sake.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,527
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!


@Cakers3 wrote:

I cannot believe posters are telling her to divorce him and move on.

 

Over this. 

 

Only the never married and only those bitter over their own marriage dissolution would say such a thing.


And those who generally hate men. There are many of those here. 

*********************
Keepin' it real.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,788
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!

[ Edited ]

If this has been going on for years, chances are, you are not going to change him.  You can, however, change yourself. Arguing with a person who always has to be one up just fuels their fire and gives them even more opportunity to be "one-uppers".  Many people who do this are narcissistic.  While we all have a little of that, some have more than others and some have so much of it that it jumps into a personality disorder. 

 

I have no way of knowing which yours is. If he is a full blown narcissist  words  often won't work.  Actions may or may not.  For example:  let's say you are getting ready to go out to eat or do something he is looking forward to.  All of a sudden he starts in.....you look at him and say, "Ya know, I think I'd just rather stay home and eat....you go ahead without me".  No scolding just ACTION.  If he wants to sulk....let him but stick to your guns. Just be matter of fact and no snark needed. Maybe it will be just leaving the room every time he starts in. Hopefully, when it affects HIS life he will get the message that if he doesn't quit....he'll be spending a lot of time alone.

 

  I can't tell you this is what will work for you because every situation is sooooo different.  Maybe he has enough redeeming qualities that you want to keep the marriage and maybe not. It sounds to me like you have never tried anything so who knows if they don't try????     By the way, people who always have to be right or "one uppers" are very insecure people.  They HAVE to do this to feel superior and, yes, they do feel superior!  It is where they get their self-esteem from.  They are like horses with blinders  ....you can lead them to water but you can't make them drink.   

IF that is where you find yourself and IF this is your life most of the time...only you can decide whether it's worth it or not.  Either way it's a hard row to hoe.  Everyone has different limits as to what they will live with and what they won't.  It's really up to you.  If things become unbearable, maybe a counselor could help you.  The more secure you become with yourself....the better off you will be.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 593
Registered: ‎08-21-2011

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!

I feel that is a habit that over the years has just continued.  He means to "help" you.  He means to make sure your stories are accurate.  Maybe he is an engineer or a controlling person.  I think you should lovingly bring it to his attention, and explain how annoying it is, and give him a kiss.  Then next time he says, "It was 2:15", stop, and say OK, you tell it.  Smile or laugh or do something else and let it go.  After a while, if he doesn't "get it", then get over it.  It is not worth ruining a marrage.  You've been putting up with it for years.  Pick your battles.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,985
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!

My husband does this all the time.  He knows how I feel about it, but for some reason can't control himself.  He will even do this when I am talking to other people. (This drives me up a wall and I surpress an urge to cause him pain; but normally just clam up or walk away.)

 

For the most I ignore him; give in by saying "ok, you're right...whatever", or when really annoyed I'll look the info up and prove him wrong.  At which point he cops an attitude.

 

Its getting worse as he ages, with him doing it to other family members. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!


@chiclets wrote:

I have a different viewpoint than most have had and my thoughts are not meant to be snarky, they are an observation.

 

Concerning the matter of being contradicted all these years, you have to own enabling him to do so.

 

Being silent about the matter and maybe thinking it would pass was not the way to approach something in the relationship that bothered you. It seems it has only escalated, and so it is a natural  way for him to respond to you, he has been doing this through your marriage. You have become more sensitive to the matter and now it is very annoying to you.

 

The conversation about this issue is long overdue. You have accepted his responses in the past, and it would not be surprising if he had no idea of what you are so upset about. Communication is everything, and sometimes in relationships there is more give than take, or more take than give.

 

Accepting individuals as they are is a life long journey.

 

 

 


I completely agree!

 

It's not fair to blame him or to get upset when he likely has no idea that he does this or that it's upsetting.  It's probably just a habit - not a need to always be right or a way to belittle his wife.

 

If I continually did something that bothered my husband (or friend or anyone), I would want to know.  I would much prefer that they tell me rather than stew in silence.

 

He can't fix it - or make an effort to be mindful of it - if he doesn't know it's an issue.  He's been doing it all this time without a word having been said about it, so I don't see it as his fault at all.  Give the guy a chance!  Be honest.  Not confrontational, just honest. 

 

And yes, communication is everything.  I have used those exact words many times on these forums.  Letting resentment build without honestly communicating is never a good idea.  It solves nothing and it's unfair to the other person.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!


@Cakers3 wrote:

I cannot believe posters are telling her to divorce him and move on.

 

Over this. 

 

Only the never married and only those bitter over their own marriage dissolution would say such a thing.


 

I can't believe it either.

 

Especially because she's never even told him that it bothers her.

 

There's not one shred of evidence to indicate that he's controlling or that he doesn't respect her.  He has a habit of being a stickler for accuracy - and he has no idea it bothers her because, in all these years, she's never once said a word about it.

 

This is not a reason to file for divorce!  It's a reason to have a simple, honest, long-overdue conversation.  Not a long drawn-out accusatory tirade, but at the very least she should let him know it bothers her. Even thinking about divorce is a huge over-reaction.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,250
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!

I didn't read all the replies

 

but if I say 15 minutes, he says 17, I'll say  oh maybe 14 or 18 minutes

 

I say 25 miles, he says 20 miles, I'll say oh maybe 19 or 27 miles

 

 

we  both laugh it. 

 

I can play that game too

 

DS is excutive chef even as a child  he always has talked "to the minute (or second)"

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!


@Anonymous032819 wrote:

@jannabelle1 wrote:

Yes, men like to think they're right and they like to have the last word. Some comments I ignore, others I just say "whatever" and I look at him like I can't believe he'd say such a thing. Maybe ask him if it's really important to him to keep correcting you on such trivial things.


 

 

 

 

 

 

It isn't just men who do that. There are women who do it too, so no, don't go painting it as if only men do this.


 

I agree.

 

Some men like to have the last word, and some women like to have the last word.  It has nothing to do with whether they're men or women.  "Men like to think they're right" is a HUGE generalization, and not at all true of many, many men.

 

I actually know more women who are know-it-alls, but I wouldn't paint women with that broad brush either.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,941
Registered: ‎03-30-2010

Re: Grrrrrr! Help me please!

Many, many thanks for all your comments!

 

Those who said this issue is partly my fault because I have never told him it bothers me are right.  If you knew what anniversary we celebrated in Dec., you'd laugh!  It's been many years since we first said "I do"!  

 

I felt like I had to get issue out and this is the perfect place.  It's anonymous here.  Additionally, I wondered if others had encountered the same behavior and, indeed they have.  That helped! 

 

No, I am not going to get a divorce!  DH has many wonderful qualities, most of which I have fostered over the years.  😃On my first birthday after we were married he didn't give me a gift, not even a card!  Now, there's always something wonderful.  It took me a long time to understand his attitude about birthdays.  His family never celebrated them, no birthday cakes, nothing, while mine always did. And, so it goes.  

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤️