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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@CrazyDaisy wrote:

Since you have no idea what conversations or arragnements your father had with your brother and sister-in-law why would you slander them on the Internet.  If you feel criminal activity took place and can prove it take it to the authorities, otherwise perform the task you were given. 


 

Slander is spoken, libel is written.  But this is not libel either.  She hasn't named names.  We don't know who these people are.  They are not being damaged in any way whatsoever by what she has written.

 

What we have is a regular poster who is going through a rough period in her life.  She's venting and sharing, and there's nothing wrong with doing that.  Sometimes it's easier to post in a forum such as this rather than pull real-life family and friends into a situation.   And in many cases it's wiser too.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@chiclets wrote:

@pigletsmom wrote:

I hope that everyone reading here is learning that if you have a parent in any sort of assisted living situation that you are checking their accounts all the time. Family members are one thing but you never know who has access to what. My parents are totally with it but I do their banking stuff because they aren't so tech savy and if all of this stuff was going out of their account I'd know it right away. Please keep on eye on accounts!

 

Personally I'd go to the bank and move most of the money to an estate account. Leave a little to cover any checks that might come in but work with the bank. They'd probably work with you in case something came in that was too large and needed to come out of the new account. At least that way no one else will have access down the road.

 

@pigletsmom 

 

I agree with you. What she needs are the statements on the account to see exactly what automatic payments came out, and then she can judge what amount she should leave in the account for the payments. As for checks she can not account for, she can give the bank representative the check numbers and they can tell her or give her copies of those checks and if they were cashed. All statements from that account should now be sent to her.


 


@chiclets 

 

I have access online to all the business on the account.  I can even pull up photos of any checks written.  So, right now, there are a series of checks that are "missing."  I know sometimes people take time to cash checks, but this seems unusual. 

 

Hyacinth

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@pigletsmom wrote:

@Sage04 wrote:

@hyacinth003, I´m talking about when everything is settled. I would ask the lawyer about funds they received while your dad was alive.

 

My friend had the same problem with her sister. The sister had gotten large sums of money while the dad was alive. My friend was told by her lawyer to deduct what her sister received earlier, otherwise it would not be shared equally. 

 

I think she´s upset because now you know what she was doing, Wonder if your brother knows? Maybe your dad gave her permission but it´s still a part of the estate.


Honestly I find this outrageous. Parents can give money unequally to their children all they want when they're alive. This shouldn't be part of estate stuff at all.


 

I agree.  It doesn't make sense (unless it was specified otherwise).

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,719
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

@hyacinth003 :  I hope you can get some resolution and comfort to you.  I would be really interested in the outcome of this journey you are on.  Best of luck.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@NickNack wrote:

@hyacinth003   I'm sure you know this, but his checking account needs to be closed, and an "Estate of" account needs to be opened with you as the Executor and only person who can sign the checks.  My father was executor of my cousin's estate a few years ago, and I had to do a lot of work on that for him.  He really was too old and should have declined to do it but felt like he could.  Closing her checking account and opening the estate account was the first thing he did.


 

That's not necessarily true.  

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Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:

@pigletsmom wrote:

@Sage04 wrote:

@hyacinth003, I´m talking about when everything is settled. I would ask the lawyer about funds they received while your dad was alive.

 

My friend had the same problem with her sister. The sister had gotten large sums of money while the dad was alive. My friend was told by her lawyer to deduct what her sister received earlier, otherwise it would not be shared equally. 

 

I think she´s upset because now you know what she was doing, Wonder if your brother knows? Maybe your dad gave her permission but it´s still a part of the estate.


Honestly I find this outrageous. Parents can give money unequally to their children all they want when they're alive. This shouldn't be part of estate stuff at all.


 

I agree.  It doesn't make sense (unless it was specified otherwise).


@NYC Susan 

 

I don't mind if my dad gave things unequally.  Once in awhile, he would say he wanted to be equal.  I said it was his to do with what he wanted.  For example, he just gave me a check for $350 one day.  I asked what it was for.  He said that he bought my brother a new dryer, and he felt I should get an equal amount.  I told him that he didn't have to do that.

 

What is bothering me is the concept of taking advantage of a 92 year old man.  Airline tickets, all their gasoline, almost a thousand dollars at a cell phone company, and paying off a Corvette just doesn't FEEL right to me over the last few months.  He was at warp speed into dementia and it is making me literally sick.  My head hurts and my stomach is nauseous at the thought of that.

 

I am not going to take it out of my brother's portion or anything else.  They would claim they had permission, and my dad isn't here to contradict it.  I am getting a very generous gift, and I am just grateful.  I am venting here is all.  What bugs me is the screaming fit I got and being ignored (along with my family) in public.  They have to live with it.

 

After telling the assisted living they'd never be back and it was my problem, my brother has now asked me for a piece of furniture to put the television I let him have for his son.  So either he just went along with wife in saying that or he's had a change of heart!!

 

Hyacinth

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@Sooner wrote:

This is another of those threads where facts keep being added to the story.  I am not sure why people post things like this and I'm not sure why us readers jump to such conclusions.

 

It often plays out down the road that we had no idea what we were talking about, because we don't know the facts and don't know the people. 

 

I think I need to stop commenting on things like this, but maybe add any pertinent information or experiences I might have had and let it go at that.  I make a comment, facts are added, then I feel like an idiot for what I said. 

 

I guess I AM an idiot!  Woman Frustrated  I ought to know better by now. 


 

I know what you mean.  Some posters post about a problem or whatever, and then as time goes on we find out that they left out some important info.  Info that changes the advice we had taken the time to give.  Info that would have indeed been very good to know at the outset. (Oh, so your boyfriend is married!  Well, in that case no, do not go to Bermuda with him!)  

 

I see this thread differently, though. @hyacinth003 is adding information as she's discovering it.  It's not as though she's holding details back, and then springing them on us later.  Unfortunately what's happening for her is an ongoing saga.

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Posts: 6,120
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

@hyacinth003 wrote:

@NYC Susan wrote:

@pigletsmom wrote:

@Sage04 wrote:

@hyacinth003, I´m talking about when everything is settled. I would ask the lawyer about funds they received while your dad was alive.

 

My friend had the same problem with her sister. The sister had gotten large sums of money while the dad was alive. My friend was told by her lawyer to deduct what her sister received earlier, otherwise it would not be shared equally. 

 

I think she´s upset because now you know what she was doing, Wonder if your brother knows? Maybe your dad gave her permission but it´s still a part of the estate.


Honestly I find this outrageous. Parents can give money unequally to their children all they want when they're alive. This shouldn't be part of estate stuff at all.


 

I agree.  It doesn't make sense (unless it was specified otherwise).


@NYC Susan 

 

I don't mind if my dad gave things unequally.  Once in awhile, he would say he wanted to be equal.  I said it was his to do with what he wanted.  For example, he just gave me a check for $350 one day.  I asked what it was for.  He said that he bought my brother a new dryer, and he felt I should get an equal amount.  I told him that he didn't have to do that.

 

What is bothering me is the concept of taking advantage of a 92 year old man.  Airline tickets, all their gasoline, almost a thousand dollars at a cell phone company, and paying off a Corvette just doesn't FEEL right to me over the last few months.  He was at warp speed into dementia and it is making me literally sick.  My head hurts and my stomach is nauseous at the thought of that.

 

I am not going to take it out of my brother's portion or anything else.  They would claim they had permission, and my dad isn't here to contradict it.  I am getting a very generous gift, and I am just grateful.  I am venting here is all.  What bugs me is the screaming fit I got and being ignored (along with my family) in public.  They have to live with it.

 

After telling the assisted living they'd never be back and it was my problem, my brother has now asked me for a piece of furniture to put the television I let him have for his son.  So either he just went along with wife in saying that or he's had a change of heart!!

 

Hyacinth


 

 

 

 

 

@hyacinth003 

 

 

 

It doesn't feel right, because it wasn't right.

 

 

I have nothing but contempt for those who take advantage of the vulnerable, for their own gain, and your father most certainly was vulnerable.

 

I know what it's like first hand to deal with a 92 year old in the late stages of dementia.

 

 

Unless one has experiened that first hand for themselves, they'll never understand just how heart-breakingly easy it is to steal from them.

 

 

I don't know how you are dealng with this, but if it were me, I would be exteremly angry.

 

 

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@september wrote:

Between this thread and the related one, which I had previously posted on....I won’t have time to read all the newer posts. 

 

I briefly scanned them, and again, I want to tell @hyacinth003  that I understand what she’s going through. My husband and my Dad died in this last year, so many of these issues...I’m living them.

 

the only thing I didn’t see mentioned is this:   You never know if the people you’re posting personal info about on this board, could be reading the posts, or could have friends/family reading them. 

 

If that is the case, I’m sure someone will recognize who the involved parties are, based on all the specific personal details supplied by the OP.  Off the top of my head, I know the brother drives a Corvette, the SIL drives a Cadillac Escalade. She is an electrician, he is semi retired.  They own a condo in Florida. They have a son. 

 

I think many more details were given.  It wouldn’t be hard for people who know this family to say “hey, I know them”. 

 

I’ll bet this would make an already strained relationship much worse.  Be careful about what you post on social media. 


 

That's good advice.  Hopefully, @hyacinth003 has changed some of the details.

 

I do that all the time.  I'm always deliberately vague here about certain aspects of my life, and I often change some of the details to protect privacy.  It's never about anything that matters so I don't see it as untruthful, just common sense on the internet.   I've posted about this before, and other posters said they do the same.  And that's good.

 

For example, in this case, I might substitute a different car or location of the condo, or I might not be specific at all.  In the past I have mentioned my daughter when what  I was referring to actually involved my son.  Or I've said,  "a co-worker" when actually it was my niece.  Things like that.  For all we know, @hyacinth003  may be doing the same thing.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@hyacinth003 wrote:

@NYC Susan wrote:

@pigletsmom wrote:

@Sage04 wrote:

@hyacinth003, I´m talking about when everything is settled. I would ask the lawyer about funds they received while your dad was alive.

 

My friend had the same problem with her sister. The sister had gotten large sums of money while the dad was alive. My friend was told by her lawyer to deduct what her sister received earlier, otherwise it would not be shared equally. 

 

I think she´s upset because now you know what she was doing, Wonder if your brother knows? Maybe your dad gave her permission but it´s still a part of the estate.


Honestly I find this outrageous. Parents can give money unequally to their children all they want when they're alive. This shouldn't be part of estate stuff at all.


 

I agree.  It doesn't make sense (unless it was specified otherwise).


@NYC Susan 

 

I don't mind if my dad gave things unequally.  Once in awhile, he would say he wanted to be equal.  I said it was his to do with what he wanted.  For example, he just gave me a check for $350 one day.  I asked what it was for.  He said that he bought my brother a new dryer, and he felt I should get an equal amount.  I told him that he didn't have to do that.

 

What is bothering me is the concept of taking advantage of a 92 year old man.  Airline tickets, all their gasoline, almost a thousand dollars at a cell phone company, and paying off a Corvette just doesn't FEEL right to me over the last few months.  He was at warp speed into dementia and it is making me literally sick.  My head hurts and my stomach is nauseous at the thought of that.

 

I am not going to take it out of my brother's portion or anything else.  They would claim they had permission, and my dad isn't here to contradict it.  I am getting a very generous gift, and I am just grateful.  I am venting here is all.  What bugs me is the screaming fit I got and being ignored (along with my family) in public.  They have to live with it.

 

After telling the assisted living they'd never be back and it was my problem, my brother has now asked me for a piece of furniture to put the television I let him have for his son.  So either he just went along with wife in saying that or he's had a change of heart!!

 

Hyacinth


 

All I meant is that I don't understand how it would be part of the estate.  

 

I'm with you 100% on everything.  I have a close family member with advanced dementia, and I totally understand what you're saying.   Totally.  

 

Your SIL has shown her true colors.  And more than just once  You don't need to deal with someone who screams at you and is so volatile.   I think you should think about  how you want to proceed with your brother.  Yes, he's at fault here too, but I hope that doesn't completely come between you, and I hope you'll be able to have a relationship with him going forward.  I wish you the best possible outcome with all of this.