Among Friends

[151949]

I can only speak for myself but this is my experience --- If I call someone and the entire conversation is all about them, their illness and hardships especially, when the entire call is a negative erxperience - I am unlikely to call them again very soon or not at all. I find my stepkids, neices & nephews call me fairly often and when they do I try to make the conversation about them. They have interesting lives, and I enjoy hearing about them.At the end of these conversations they say they love me and my heart sings.  if they have called to ask me advice about something I try to let them tell me what they think and how they feel instead of immediuately telling them my ideas. Usually, they already know the answer to whatever it is - they just want someone to say they are right. If I sincerely feel they are not right I do tell them so, and tell them why I think what I think , but then I let it go. What they think is more important than what I think in their dilemma. 

For instance - if my daughter calls she will likely ask what I'm doing and I may say - Oh my arthritis is misbehaving so I'm staying home today.  So what did you make for dinner tonight? - You can say your arthritis is bothering you without belaboring the point for 15 min.

[LilacTree]

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@Perkup wrote:

Perhaps this has already been said.  My Dad gave me many pieces of advice, one in particular that has served me so well through my 81 years.

 "Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed."

No truer words have ever been spoken.  

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This is my mantra and I was just going to post it when I saw your post.  I expect nothing from anyone.  I have learned this over 78 years.  I see you are 81 . . . we have experienced all of the disappointments there are, and the sorrow of lost loved ones, and realized our lives were still significant and worthwhile.

I had a "chat" conversation with my 28-year-old grandson on FB last week whom I haven't seen in eight years and that includes any kind of communication.  He told me he loved me and knows it's "all my fault" is the way he put it (meaning his fault).  He wants to visit soon and asked where I was located currently (I have moved a lot).  I told him I loved him and missed him, and I'm here anytime he wants to visit.  Do I expect to see him anytime soon?  No I don't.  But just to know he loves me, was thinking about me, and took the time to contact me has made me very happy.

Thunderstorm outside . . . over and out!! 

[Plaid Pants2]

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@KALLIE wrote:

Lower your expectations, stop keeping score, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

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I agree, Kallie.

The way that I see it is, "Whaaa! I did all of these things for everybody else, and they haven't done squat for me!"

Yes, she IS keeping score.

Also, it seems to me that she expects people to be able to read her mind, and intuitively know what she wants and when she wants it.

Lastly, it also seems to me that she expects people to drop everything, and make her the center of their universe, and to be there at her every beck and call.

Sirry, but the o/p needs to stop the pity-party, stop feeling sorry for herself, and count her blessings.

All of this "You owe me" krap drives people away.

The o/p needs to take a good long hard look at her own behavior, and be 100% honest with herself, and examine if it's how she is coming across to others that is driving them away, and causing them to not want to help.

Also, she has to realize that other people have lives, and just can't drop everything to be there, and that they just might not have the time and energy to cater to her needs.

Some may consider this "harsh".

Too bad.

Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the seat of their pants, to wake up and realize their own involvement in their problems.

Rarely do problems happen in a vacuum.

[Susan in California]

@bootsanne

I appreciate your heart-felt post.  I totally understand how you feel hurt.

It is doubtful anyone reading your post could not in some way relate to

having felt a little hurt by family or extended-family in some way; we are

only human.  And probably unknowingly, we may have hurt family as well.

You sound like a very lovely person, and I don't think you are "keeping score".

I agree with so many posters who have suggested that you focus on those who

are supporting you and demonstrating that support in a very real way.

It is always good to focus on gratitude.  I know at difficult times, gratitude has

really helped me.

I send the very best your way.  Thank you for sharing.

[Q4u]

Speaking generally, I don't understand why this occurs.  But as they say, you truly find out who your true friends are when something like this happens.  Sounds like you have incredible support within your own family, and that's a wonderful blessing.  

I agree with the poster who said "Don't keep score" (although it is hard not to notice).... and continue to help those that may need it because the act of giving is truly a wonderful thing.....

Yes, you probably do have the right to feel betrayed, a bit.  Feel it, then toss it quickly and continue on.  Your generous good work is its own pat on the back.... good luck.... 

[SeaMaiden]

Actually you are spot on.....family is not all what is cracked up to be.....users, abusers,liars, backstabbing name calling  theives. I wrote mine off years ago.  

[winamac1]

I can empathize with O/P.

Sorry O/P

I've been there.....some of my friends I've supported the most have not always reciprocated.  It's hard not to keep score, but one must try not to!

Hang in there!  

[Bird mama]

@bootsanne

Oh yea, I've had similar experiences.  My advice, moving forward, don't be so quick to go out of your way for your relatives.  I'm one of those people who make a distinction between family and 'relatives'.  Sounds like your family are you DH, and In Laws.  The rest are relatives :-)

[Mom2Dogs]

@bootsanne....I  understand why you are feeling the way you do and would be hurt as well, a call would be nice!

I have no kids of my own...but I do have 2 step kids...one lives close by.  We (dh and I) have done a lot for her....because we want to and because frankly she needs help at times but we only hear from her when she wants something or it's a holiday....we have learned not to expect anything from her...I have a niece that was in bad health years ago, again, I stepped up to the plate to help her in many ways, and I know that she appreciated all the help that I gave her, (I have heard it from many people how much she appreciated my help) and I did it because I wanted to do it...I could not stand to see her suffer not only physically but emotionally as well,  but do you think I can even get a 'happy birthday' out of her on my birthday, never.!!  I don't think either person gives it a second thought that they don't remember special days or keep in touch more often, I think it is their generation.  My niece (or I) will eventually call, we will talk, laugh and be happy that we spoke...I have learned to not 'overdue' my desire and willingness  to help, and keep expectations low.

[Tinkrbl44]

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@Bird mama wrote:

@bootsanne

Oh yea, I've had similar experiences.  My advice, moving forward, don't be so quick to go out of your way for your relatives.  I'm one of those people who make a distinction between family and 'relatives'.  Sounds like your family are you DH, and In Laws.  The rest are relatives :-)

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@Bird mama

 You can pick your family .....  but you can't pick your relatives.