Among Friends

[Serenity-Now]

Hi Everybody,

I could use some help figuring out some do-able family traditions to begin with our first grandchild, which is 'in the works' and will be here by next Christmas, God-Willing

My challenges are that I have a lot of chronic pain & have been ill for many years, so I'm not physically up to doing much.  Our only child lives across the country, and we might see them once a year if they decide to come visit us, because they have totally bonded with the well & active in-laws who live 5" away from them...so, they spend every holiday & birthday with them, & we only get one shot @ making special memories a year, since I am not well enough to travel to them, unfortunately.  We'll never be able to be a major part of their lives across the country where they live, so we have to make this 1 trip a year count, especially since over time we doubt we'll even seem them once a year.  Anyone who has long-distance family knows how that goes.

We hope to spend a Christmas celebration (never on the actual holiday, always early which is fine) with them each year, & I have already started a few traditions, but having a grandchild is new to us, & I could use some ideas from others who understand how important this is for us.  We just want to make some special memories with this child as she grows up & be remembered fondly, as I remember my own grandparents.  I was never close to my long-distance grandmother, only the local g-parents, so I'm worried!  I could use some helpful tips & ideas, from anyone who would like to share?  Many thanks in advance.

[Lucky Charm]

My dad's parents didn't live far away, but we didn't see them that much while growing up. 

It was definitely more formal with them, than it was my mother's parents.  My mother's parents spoiled us to death.  We joked, we taunted, we could be ourselves around them.

But I still remember the warm smile and hug from my 'distant' grandmother.  The smell of her house (sugar cookies!).  Her soft voice, her polite demeanor. She was never critical of my outfits, how I wore my hair or even when I pulled up in a LOUD Firebird.

I think I'm more like my 'distant' grandmother, than the one I saw all the time.

Loved them BOTH, cried just as hard for either of them when they passed.

[chickenbutt]

I don't have any family traditions, but I can relate to your physical challenges and just wanted to say that I wish you well.   Often it's so hard but one just keeps on plugging away.        Try not to over-do it.  

[Lucky Charm]

Me again, haha, since you have a whole year to prepare....

Not sure what your living arrangements are, but if it can accomodate everyone with a good night sleep, that is a plus.

Your grandchild isn't going to remember anything for the next three or four Christmases.  But your own child and their spouse will appreciate a comfortable bed, privacy and a warm welcome.

They'll want to come back!

They understand the circumstances, and will appreciate the effort you put out to make their stay nice.

Just be yourself around your granddaughter when she comes along.  She can help mix pancake ingredients for breakfast.  Sit and color at the table together.  Cut flowers and let her arrange in a vase for the dinner table. 

If she's coming at Christmas, she'll always remember the TOYS and clothes (girls love pretty things) she gets when she visits you at the holidays.

Don't worry about it, it will all fall into place. 

[Serenity-Now]

Ah, @Lucky Charm, you saw right into my fear:  that my dh & I will not be cherished in memory, by people we love.  Thank you, your msg gives me hope  that we won't pale in insignificance, no matter how hard we try.  Bless you for that!

[Serenity-Now]

Thank you, Chickenbutt...your nickname is always a welcome sight in my Notifications folder   I really appreciate the kindness you always bring to a conversation...thank you!

[ciao_bella]

@Serenity-Now Enjoy the time they can spend with you and you with them, but the time in between maybe you could Skype.  I know it's not quite the same but it's better than not seeing them at all and you get to see your grandchild grow right before your eyes..:

Wishing you a very happy holiday...

[homedecor1]

I wonder if he/she is related to my DIL! Her parents live 10 minutes away and have the pleasure of seeing GD whenever they have time and spend every holiday, if fact, her parents do Christmas Eve and if I'm there I'm not invited (or Thanksgiving) because it's a "family day for them" (wierd but I've accepted it's the way it is and my DIL family are ALL only children therefore it's just the 3 of them).

The only advice I can offer you is what I came to realize "every moment you spend with your new grandchild make it special". 

My only GD lives 1500 mi away and when she was a baby my son started skyping me and sharing all those special moments. Now that she's 4 everyday she calls me as soon as she gets home from pre-school and says "Grandmom I'm calling you on Skype go get your IPad". Sometimes we are on that Skype for hours....I'm like her play date! And I love it!  Some nites we have dinner together I am making our dinner and skyping then we sit down and eat via Skype -- oh goodness sometimes she calls back and we have a snack together and say our bedtime prayers.  Of course, this isn't every nite but I'd say 4 out of 7. We both look forward to these times -- distance can't come between our hearts.

Since you are unable to travel, etc. you can have a wonderful relationship long distance through the wonderful world of technology. I was scheduled to go home for the holidays and found out my son (her dad) will be leaving for business trip the day after Christmas. So although disappointed I know I'll be sharing in her exciting precious Christmas morning via Skype.

Its easy to do and if your kids have Apple products and you do you could FaceTime. 

As far as traditions I'm sure your son/daughter will remember his/hers and your visits can make new memories and traditions.  Just savor the time you actually have them and enjoy it.  

[Serenity-Now]

@homedecor1, wow that sounds wonderful!  I wish that could work with my GD too, but I can't see the DIL allowing that much access for us in-laws.  She keeps things 95%-oriented to her family, with every holiday spent celebrating with them, & our son doesn't ensure that we are included, unfortunately.  So I can't see that changing.  We have tried many times, but always get rejected.  We are ignored 90% of the time when we send txts or emails, so we rarely do that anymore, since they obviously don't want it.  To give you an  idea of just how bad it is, when I found out the DIL's mother was hospitalized & I sent her a txt expressing our concern, offering any assistance or support they might need, & inquiring if her mother's condition was improving, I was sent back a terse txt telling me she didn't have time to give updates.  I said ok hon, if you need anything just let us know, thinking she would get back to us eventually.  Days went by.  Sent a short single txt every few days, saying we were thinking about them & hoping everything was getting better.  Never communicated back, never let us know how her mother was doing.  Who does that?!  We simply don't matter or exist in their world, & are treated with total disregard for our feelings.  I've never seen anything like it, because no one else in my family has ever treated other people this way, even strangers.  We taught our son to be respectful & considerate of others. 

We had the choice of accepting being put up on the dusty shelf & taken down only for those 5" phone calls, made appx once a month, or stay permanently upset about the unfairness.  We decided to accept it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt to not even get a card for our birthdays or Mother's Day, etc.  But I don't hold out much hope that people who are this uncaring will suddenly strive to do better by us, or include us.  So when we are allowed access (almost feels like a prison visit, lol), we will do our best--but don't know how to possibly create a real relationship without being allowed any type of access.  Maybe when the child gets older, we will have a chance.  I sure hope so.  This isn't at all like I thought it would be, anticipating our first GC but being kept away   And no, we all have an amicable relationship, believe it or not.  We simply aren't included in their clique, she has the people she wants where she wants them, & doesn't have room to make for us, & unfortunately our son goes along with it.  I've seen it happen to other parents & my heart always went out to them.  Now it has happened to us, & we are treated even worse than the parents I always felt sorry for, ironically.  I remember teaching my son that we make the people who matter to us a priority in our lives, no matter how busy we are.  When we don't, that speaks a loud honest truth that no amount of excuses can overcome. 

I'm truly glad you have this wonderful SKYPE relationship with your GD!  It sounds wonderful & endearing, & maybe one day, things will improve for us & we'll be allowed to do that.  Even once in a great while would be something.  I sure hope so.  I hope my dh & I can somehow be cared about in our GD's life, even though we are kept so far removed from sharing it.  

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your tips with me, & telling me your story.  I really appreciate it 

[doxie1]

 I am sorry that you do not feel like you will have equal access. I will pray that things change or that your son sees that you get more than you do now. I had city grandparents and country grandparents. I probably saw more of my country grandparents because they lived closer and could pop over on we could drop in on them. My city grandparents were busy with their jobs in the church. I say that not to compllain since I had a great relationship with all of them. It changed over the years as we all aged but I still have wonderful memories. We had family reunions with th city grandparents every summer at the beach with all the cousins. It was a riot and we got to know people on their terms, My city grandparents taught us a love for music and allowed us to help them write songs. They also were great writers and helped me develop my writing. They loved to listen to anything we had to say and were interested in what we were doing. My country grandparents had us cook with them, work on the farm, herd cattle and so on. My country grandmother was a fashionista and loved to shop so that was always fun.  She also loved flower gardening and we enjoyed the flowers. One thing that I think would be great to do is to have pictures taken of you with the grandchild. They need to be everyday pictures. I still have pictures of my grandparents individually holding me as a baby and small child. You can see the love in their eyes as they look at me. If I had not had the blessing of having them until I was older then this would has shown me the love and awe in their eyes for me. The memories from the simple things stick with you a lot.

doxie