Among Friends

[house_cat]

I've been advised on more than one occasion to "establish boundaries" regarding family, friends and coworkers.  

I'm not even sure what that means.

If you're a person who believes you have strong boundaries in your life and aren't adverse to sharing, please give me a concete example of what those boundaries look like.

Thank you.

[Mominohio]

I think it means that when relationships are contentious, dangerous, 'toxic' etc. that you take control and you set the boundaries that keep you safe, sane, etc. 

For example, if you have a mother that is constantly criticizing your mate, makes trouble at holidays, keeps stirring up drama, you take control, and you set boundaries. You tell them that you won't listen to them speak ill of your mate. If they do, you leave, hang up the phone, tell them the conversation is over, or even up to not having contact much or at all. 

It is something that I think is hard for many of us to do when younger. And I think if we don't set those boundaries early or at the time the trouble starts, it gets even hard to do as time goes on and the person gets away with it for some time. 

[chessylady]

You don't allow others  to take advantage of you. You explain to the difficult person that you will no longer do whatever it is that you have allowed. For example, someone disrespects you or your child. You make no comment but seethe on the inside. Setting a boundary would be to tell the individual that what they are saying hurts, ask them to stop and tell them that if it happens again, you will remove yourself from their presence.

[Kachina624]

I consider boundaries to be the line drawn between what is and what is not acceptable to me personally.  People who know you well, friends and family, know what your boundaries are and usually don't test them out of respect.  Can't recall an example as nobody has tested mine for many years, not since I got rid of dh.  He crossed the line one too many times.

[godi]

When my DH and I got our first home my father came over constantly. I love my dad but we were remodeling and he just talked and try to show the workers what to do. So, I had to sit him down and tell him to stop. I told him I would have him for dinner on sundays and to call but no stopping by. It was a very hard conversation but I had to set these boundaries for our sanity and so the work would get done on time and correctly. 

We had dinner every Sunday and talked every day. He didn't get mad he understood. That is an example of a boundary. 

[Mominohio]

In relation to kids, adult kids especially, it could be about them taking advantage of you because you don't want to see them hurt/struggle/suffer, they know it, and they 'take' from you, while you allow it. 

You don't want to see them evicted, so you pay the rent. You want them to be able to get to work, so you buy them a car or make some of their car payment(s). You don't want to see the grandkids suffer, so you pay some household  bills they get behind on etc. 

The boundaries could be as severe as if they don't pay the rent they are out on the street, if they don't pay the utilities, they sit in the dark, if they don't take care of the kids, you get children's services involved. 

Setting boundaries, especially with kids, can be the hardest and most heartbreaking, because you will always be the bad guy. 

[skatting44]

 To me that means when someone emeshes themselves into another person's business . The way you wrote  you  have been advised  to " establish boundaries " that you are being advised  not to become involved so deeply in other people's  business/ issues .

[manny2]

@house_cat Why are people telling you that? Are the people around you taking advantage of you? First you have to establish what is reasonable in any given situation. Once you establish that it is like a guideline, and much easier to establish personal boundaries. 

Boundaries show other people you have a limit, and where to stop. 

[FancyPhillyshopper]

I have boundaries of steel--ha ha.

My dad used to say my will was extra strong.

Seriously, it comes down to never letting anyone take advantage of you and never getting overly involved in others' issues (unless you choose to do so open-eyed).

It is much easier to loosen boundaries with family and friends, but I cannot really imagine what the issue is with co-workers, unless you or they share too much personal stuff that goes above and beyond regular collegiality.

Maybe you need more happening in your own life because you are living life too much through others.  

Maybe you know more than others but no need to constantly give them advice or help--most of the time people have to figure things out on their own. Folks need to learn to become independent.

Maybe you like to talk and share a lot, as most social media users do, but do not know how to draw the line between too much information and being more private.

Since none of us personally know you or your personality, all we can do is guess.  We do not even know who told you to do this--one person--many people?

My best advice is just take a step back and contemplate a bit before acting.

[Isobel Archer]

It can also mean not overextending yourself - even for things you think you want to do.