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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,619
Registered: ‎05-11-2013

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

I've noticed since I became a widow people want to give me unsolicited advice and want to know what/how I'm doing. If I ask for input/help then you can say something, otherwise, keep it zipped.

 

My sister's 15yr. old granddaughter called thank me for a gift I sent and proceeded on to how I should go on dating sites. Her friend's Mom met "Prince Charming".

 

I told her "not interested, I shop online for sweaters or maybe a toaster, not a man, and to watch Dateline and ID to see how online meetings can end up. Also, put your Mother on the phone."

 

Let's just say her Mother and I had a chat about her giving me advice.  Cripes, the kid isn't evn allowed to date yet.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,633
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

      The most simple meaning is to set limits.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,251
Registered: ‎06-10-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

[ Edited ]

@house_cat  I agree with that saying, "you teach people how to treat you". Boundaries is one way to do it.  There is a line, that if crossed, should  have consequences. I read a good example of this years ago.  Let's say you have a woods and you don't want people hunting on it so you place a "no trespassing" sign.  A hunter sees it and decides to hunt anyway.  He broke through the boundary line .  !t's the same with people. When you know someone has stepped on your boundaries there must be a consequence to that.  Otherwise they just keep doing it and eventually you just become a door mat and lose who you are in the process.  Setting boundaries is very important to your mental health and there is a right way to do it without attacking the other person. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,184
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

The one I'd add to this re: work is:  "Friendly not familiar".   Some people want to draw a line even when they get chummy, to remind you, you are serving them.  When I saw that happen with someone, I'll never forget it.  They were hurt and confused.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,739
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

@house_cat 

 

To me that depends on the why of needing boundaries. Right now we all know boundaries in relation to where one lives concerning this-----virus. 

 

As far as people, for other reasons, those can vary. Some on my list of boundaries(if that's what you want to call them)are, I have absolutely nothing to do with them.

 

Others, I don't go out of my way to see or speak with them. Not sure who is advising you or the reason, but I have BIG boundaries on what I put into my mouth for nutrition. 

 

My version is that there are small boundaries and complete boundaries. For humans the big one is Get Lost.

 

 

hckynut 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,824
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?


@house_cat wrote:

I've been advised on more than one occasion to "establish boundaries" regarding family, friends and coworkers.  

 

I'm not even sure what that means.

 

If you're a person who believes you have strong boundaries in your life and aren't adverse to sharing, please give me a concete example of what those boundaries look like.

 

Thank you.


 

I never really set boundaries and have been used most of my life.

 

I'm POA for a sister because she had a stroke 11 years ago. She's functional in many areas but has some physical and intellectual disabilities.  I finally hit my limit with her demands, rudeness, selfishness, and had a very serious conversation with her. I don't know if it'll help long-term but I hope so. My 90 yr old dad also had some words with her which surprised me since he's very protective of her, almost to the point of enabling.

 

Hitting my max with her also triggered some changes in me, the biggest surprise in the whole thing. My whole attitude changed. I no longer say "how high?" when she demands I jump. I have always acquiesced to her demands but now consider and balance with my own needs. I'm no longer afraid to say no to her or others if it isn't something I can/want to do.

 

I cannot tell you how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders by setting limits with her. My stress level dropped 50%.  It's a new and amazing feeling for me.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,955
Registered: ‎12-09-2018

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

Saying no is the best thing you can do for yourself. I was taught to say no early on by my very practical father. You set your own boundaries and live your best life... or as hckynut said... get lost...
Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,776
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

To me, it means that you let people know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the relationship.  Not necessarily in a contentious way but you are honest with people, people know what to expect from you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,503
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

Thank you to those who recommended the "Boundaries" book.  I'm not a religious person, so I did skim through many of the scripture references, but there was a great deal of good information. It was definitely worth the read - a lot of helpful takeaways and very practical advice.

~ house cat ~
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,166
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Establish boundaries? What does that even mean?

[ Edited ]

I have a now so called friend who has been throwing barbs at me.  Always calling on how to do this or that. Not knowing, I go through all the steps to learn, so I can tell her. I finally stopped and told her I don,t know, look it up in Google like I do.  Now she throws barbs at me.  

I could throw them back and almost did, but then I thought,  just leave the friendship which is really one sided.  When and if she ask why, then when i,m calmer, I can explain it in a calm way.

She used to be fun, but is so negative now, I can,t let her in my space anymore.  I can fight believe me, but why. Not worth it. 

Her problem is She is very unhappy and envious. I am 84 and want to live each day as my last. I enjoy everyday good or even when problems arise.

Solve the problem if you can or want and move on. Life is very short, believe me.  I wish I had taken my advise years ago when I was younger.

I had a great day today.  Walked the mall with my dog. Talked to some people.  Listen to my Frank Sinatra , Barb. Streisand, you know the oldies but goodies. Even Elton John He sang and wrote CANDLE IN THE WIND FOR PRINCESS  Diana WHEN SHE PASSED

Went to   See,s  got Easter candy, BBW, brought candles, Brought this person home made cookies, got gas and dinner.  Then I Zoomed for two hours with sister in another state.  Just now got through with one hour of free weights.  Now will sit and watch TV.

You have to feel sorry for people that want to attack you because they are miserable and don,t know how to make themselves happy.  

I use to think I needed all these people in my life to make me happy.

We do need people, but not rely on them for happiness. That,s a plus if it just happens. You need to be your own best friend. The rest is icing.