Among Friends

[Meowingkitty]

My husbands aunt is almost 90 and lives in an independent living facility.  Lately she has been having outbursts of anger. She can be calm one minute and blow up the next. Anytime my husband or I make a suggestion on anything she blows up.  We are always wrong and we don't understand how things work and she thinks she knows better.  We can't make a suggestion without her exploding. She also is going through money like it was water. She has a friend/handyman that she seems to think she is responsible for providing a steady stream of income. Anytime she runs out of stuff for him to do around her apartment she gets an idea to move so she can give him things to do and provide him with more income.  She has moved three times in the past 18 months.  Each one costing a fortune because she buys new furniture and always wants things done her way so she can keep the handyman busy. 

She gladly pays  others to help her run errands, walk the dog etc. but flat out refuses free help from either of us. We live only a couple of miles away and I am not working so it's  not like we have to travel across town to get there or wait until one of us gets off work.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. TIA

[aggravated]

Speak with her physician and explain what's going on.  Ask if perhaps she needs medication or her present medication adjusted.  In the independent care facilities and nursing homes they are on a constant watch for anger/irrational behavior issues.

[KarenQVC]

This woman is not capable of making decisions that are in her best interests.  You or her children should see an attorney about filing for guardianship.

[Moonchilde]

I would say it depends upon how close you and your husband are to this lady.  If one or both of you have considerable emotional investment in your relationship with her, then her doctor should be spoken to.

If you are not close to this woman, I would just let her do whatever, and keep your visits short.  

If she is living independently such that she can arrange to move, buy furniture, etc., she has not yet to this point appeared to be physically or mentally compromised to others.  Whatever you start in this regard, it probably won't be pretty or simple, so you should consider how vested you are in going forward with that.

[Just Bling]

My mom didn't "move" but she was similar in other but the same way if that makes any sense.  As she got older, she didn't want to be "alone" so there was a need for everyone to have a job and when that job ended, we got more to do.  Sounds like your aunt is generating work or she believes that everyone will go away and no one will come.  I think the main issue is lonliness.  My mom also didn't like to get questioned, that made her aggitated thus outbursts once in awhile, not as bad as what you are describing.  My mom was also afaid that she would die alone so that was also an issue. 

I guess at 90, that's great she is living and I'm sure you can understand that age, health, the lonliness and everything associated with not being able to just get up and do things yourself is all of the problem.

Smile, hopefully we'll make it that long.

[millieshops]

It does sound bad, but I have two questions:

1)  What happens to her if she runds out of money - assuming she is in danger of that happening and no one else is dependent upon that money.

2) Is there a reason to suspect that handyman might be quilty of criminally taking advantage of her?

By the way - I don't think the anger issue is terribly unusual, especially if she has been on her own for a very long time and now senses she really can't take care of herself without help even if she has to pay for it.

[RedTop]

It has been my experience that outbursts of anger from older adults is a sign of progressive aging in the brain, and most definitely needs to be brought to the attention of her medical doctor.   The anger, the arguing, and the aggressiveness to throw things, or jerk things out of someones hand was our sign that our relative was no longer capable of living on her own.  Up until this point, she had always been the most mild tempered, easy going woman I ever knew, but her dead aim with a teacup told the rest of  that story.   

[Meowingkitty]

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@millieshops wrote:

It does sound bad, but I have two questions:

1)  What happens to her if she runds out of money - assuming she is in danger of that happening and no one else is dependent upon that money.

2) Is there a reason to suspect that handyman might be quilty of criminally taking advantage of her?

By the way - I don't think the anger issue is terribly unusual, especially if she has been on her own for a very long time and now senses she really can't take care of herself without help even if she has to pay .

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Fortunately a lot of her money is in a trust that my husband can control so he has the ability to say no. She has enough Social Security and pension to live on. I think the handyman is ok. He used to be an employee for the place she lives but now does contract work for her and others in the building. He's not taking advantage of her because he does do a lot for her and says whatever he needs to so not to rile her up whereas my husband and I seem to get on her nerves. 

[millieshops]

@Meowingkitty -   thanks for explaining.

Now I can add one more thing.  As long as your aunt is spending money coming in - as opposed to principal in her trust -  and because you feel you can trust the fellow she seems to be supporting, I wouldn't be terribly worried.  I would consult with whoever is monitoring her health though.

I do think you and DH have a thankless job and a job that carries huge responsibility.

I say all this as someone who will most likely put someone in my family into your position.  It's something those of us without direct heirs have to face and all we can hope for is that the eventual trustee will be as careful and caring as you are today.

[Havarti]

I deal with seniors regularly. I agree that she likely feels alone and that these people may be like “friends” to her – a variety of people that are not family, who stop by to see her in the process of doing these chores she needs help to accomplish. You two are family, and that means a possible “control” issue – you could change her life as she know it, and she does not want that to happen. Even though you have time to help her, she does not want you around to observe things that will cause you to make judgements about her (she sounds like she still has her wits about her and knows exactly what she is doing).

Since you do not believe the handyman is taking advantage of her, I would liken it to many people who buy things from shopping channels because the UPS man comes regularly – he/she becomes a friend who rings the doorbell and greets the resident with a smile every time – yet is not involved enough to take any action in someone’s life. The handyman probably makes her feel special (not in an off way) and she not only pays him, she makes him feel needed,too. These “chore” people feed her soul.

When you offer ideas and suggestions she feels like you are telling her what to do. Try asking her what she thinks would be a good solution – if she is on to something, support her. She is losing control of many aspects of her life/independence and she knows it, so she is likely scared and fighting for her independence..most of us would. You may not have a husband like this, but many women want to be able to discuss their problems or dilemmas with their spouse, but not necessarily have him solve every one of those problems…just listen and serve as a sounding board to figure out a solution. People (especially husbands) often want to help/protect and mean well offering solutions, but often just a listening ear and enouraging word is better than the solution delivered on a silver platter. She wants and needs to know you both still think she is capable - that is far more valuable to her than a solution.  I hope that makes sense or is at least relatable.

Since she is doing all this on her pension and social security, that money likely won’t get passed on to anyone anyway – so let her have fun with that money and foster her sense of independence. She may just know privately within herself that her days of independence are short and she wants to milk it out as long as she possible can. She sounds spunky to me!