Re: Elderly and anger issue

spud188 · ‎09-23-2010

I agree.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
Obviously, you want to think she's incompetent and can't manage her finances and you fear she'll spend it all before she dies. Perhaps she has outbursts because she is sick of hearing you tell her how to live how to spend her money. If she is lucid, if she is feeding and clothing herself, if she has a clean, safe home; she is competent to manage her affairs. You don't like how she spends her money, perhaps she is making poor decisions. That is her right. So, stop making suggestions. Stop telling her what to do with her own money. Perhaps if you treat her better and build a caring relationship, a respectful one; she will rely less on that handyman. Surely you understand she keeps him close because he feels like family to her. She feels connected to him, she feels like he takes care of her. She's no fool, she maintains that relationship by paying him to do jobs for her.

NO, she may very well be a "fool" (so to speak) or certainly being fooled and robbed and you won't know it. Someone can have the appearance of being lucid and able to make decisions and not be. They can be so out of it that you are terrified that the state will step in, or something will happen you can't prevent and you will be held responsible for letting it happen. But at the same time, it might not manafest itself in a way you KNOW it is going on or be able to prove it.

We had no clue to the extent of my mother's mental state until she broke completely down over night and started seeing things and calling the police. She was ording scads of magazines and hiding them from us. She was paying people over a THOUSAND dollars a month for nothing and we didn't know it. They can hide a LOT of things if you don't live there.

If you confront them or try to find out what they are doing, they get made at you. If they are made at you, things are even scarier for them. But you can't get in the middle because she APPEARS to be just a little forgetful. I'm here to tell you, those responsible for the elderly are really between a rock and a hard place in many situations. You NEED to do something, but you CAN'T do something, and there are people out there waiting in line to prey on the elderly.

Winifred · ‎03-09-2010

OK, since I do not know the lady being mentioned - the elderly one - I must add my two cents worth. I am not 90 but will never see 80 again. It is amazing how many younger people in MY family feel I do not know anything. When I was 65 I retired to help my Dad who had dementia - not serious at all but he needed some assistance. Every now and then he would look at me and say "May I remind you I AM THE FATHER and YOU are my daughter." Those words taught me a lot in dealing with him. Yes, he needed help but I learned to not come across as knowing what was best for him - tried to find a way to where HE decided what was best. Worked like a charm.

Now that I will never see 80 again, as mentioned above, I have ONE grand and a couple of her kids - teenagers who are downright nasty and not nice at all. They feel I am stupid and really dumb. Do I lose my temper, you bet I do but it is THEIR behavior, not mine. My point is that is does happen, not all old people are stupid, ignorant and dumb. Would like to add this grand and great grands had no place to live - guess where they are!!!!!! We have words, yes indeed, as I am NOT their slave but they still have trouble with that. LOL. Did not use to be this way but then they were NOT living in my home with ME paying the bills. Even if that was not the case, amazing how many people this day and time figure they know what is best for elders in their family. Sometimes they do but do not forget, because one is younger does not mean they indeed do know best.

Perhaps the lady mentioned just has to listen to too many words about what is best for her and so she is able to pay someone - lucky her - to do what she would like. That must be great!!

Remember, however, if you contact her MD, you may not get to first base - depends on how she has set up her power of attorney with her MD - different states have different names for this power of attorney but in

California, you MUST have one even if you are younger if you go in the hospital, see a MD, etc. OR have the elder's MD tell you anything.

KarenQVC · ‎05-13-2010

Winifred--Have you worked it out with your attorney who you want to be guardian/conservator if you do become incompetent? That dependent grand doesn't sound A-OK.

Winifred · ‎03-09-2010

Of course - when I retired from work I did that!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

The main problem sometimes being that the confused and angry older person often does not realize that they are angry and confused and that it comes from the dementia that they have that is obvious to others but not to them. . . Is is sad.

ladyroxanne · ‎03-09-2010

it sounds like the beginning of failing faculties or even dementia to me. my suggestion would be to contact a professional preferrably her doctor. HIPPA (sp) may not allow you to speak to her doctor, but somehow you have to get her some help.

maybe a county social worker could advise you and even step in and help or possibly an elderly person program for these types of problems.

good luck to you. it's a shame to see her going through this, i'm sure.