Among Friends

[chessylady]

My dad is 94 and had prostate cancer surgery and then when his kidneys were blocked, tubes placed in his back to drain the kidneys into bags. This happened about 10 days ago. Me and two of my brothers are doing alternating 24 hour shifts at his house while he convalesces. He is weak but doing better than could be expected.

With adult siblings, there will be minor conflicts due to stress and uncertainty. I have been trying to cut everyone slack. Now this morning one of my brothers sent an email to me and my other brother laying out his grievances regarding incidences that occurred 7 years ago up to the present. He has been separated from his wife for about 18 months but they live next door to each other.

I thought I was close to the brother who sent the email and have been a sounding board for him. I have also been a mediator between  the two brothers. So first I cried, then I meditated and prayed specifically for the brother who sent the email. I still have fear and anger that I am trying to deal with.

I decided to not respond to the email and will not discuss it with him. My other brother decided to do the same. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it, what was the outcome?

[Lucky Charm]

I have no answers for you about what to do about your brother.  I'm thinking that being thrust into caretaker may have put him on the brink and he just burst with something that has obviously been bothering him.  It's not the time to do this, of course!

But, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your father is going through this and at his age.  I realize how hard this must be for you and your brothers, also.

I hope he continues to get better.  

I'd probably tell that brother that is all you can focus on right now.

[chessylady]

@Lucky Charm Thank you, that is a good response.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

I think what people are usually needing/wanting is acknowledgment, validation and compassion. With that in mind, a response along these lines would be my suggestion -

"You've obviously been hurt and I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that you've been carrying this for so long. I see where you're coming from and I can see the part I played and where I can do better. I welcome open dialogue. This is a lot to process and I'll do that once dad is doing better and we're not all so exhausted. I love you and appreciate our relationship."

[ThinkingOutLoud]

I hope you're dad heals quickly. Take care of yourself.

[phoenixbrd]

@chessylady   Yes, I have been in similar situation.  Just focus on taking care of yourself and your father, you have enough to deal with without any drama.  Be sure to take some quiet time and remain calm (I know, maybe not so easy but remember you have choices).  Keep your dignity and self-respect....your main priority is your father.  Wishing you the best.

[jazzie3]

My experience is that these situations rarely end well. We took care of my father and now my mother-in-law. The children living closest to the elder always gets the brunt of the responsibility. Those who live further away are well insulated from the daily demands.
Having said that, I wish you luck and hope your father improves.

[qualitygal]

You're in a major stress situation.  First after dad, do you. Take care of you.  Whatever the brothers are going through, they need to work it out for themselves.  It's a tough time.  So take care of dad, then or also, take care of you.  Totally see what you are going through.  Realize, this WILL NOT go on forever.  

[Lilysmom1]

@chessylady , I went through an 18 month period where I lost three siblings, one every six months.  The first died at age 59 with early onset Alzheimer's, one at 65 with lung cancer and one at 67 with ALS, all horrible diseases.

Family stress was high.  I was major care giver to two of the three.  By the time it was all over, I was exhausted.  People do act out of character when under stress.  Some pitch in and help and some don't.  Some are troublemakers.  I came to a place where I accepted that the only behaviour I could could control was my own.  

With that attitude, I did my best to help and declined to participate in the drama.  I found that to be my best way forward.  If anyone tried to engage me in that dialogue, I simply said I was focused on care right now and left it at that.  

Sending you a hug.  You are in a difficult situation I wish you peace as you move forward.  LM

[mom2four0418]

@chessylady 

Both of your brothers are grown men, and shouldn't need a mediator. I suspect that this has been the family dynamic for many years, and they will never change. Toxic relationships are exhausting. Your only tasks are to care for your father and yourself.