Reply
Super Contributor
Posts: 254
Registered: ‎06-18-2017

Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

Watching the news stories about Gabby Petito and her homicide brought up memories for me.  I dealt with domestic violence with a boyfriend many years ago.  He was emotionally and verbally abusive, and even though I got out of that relationship, it took me a lot of time and therapy to figure out what was happening and that it wasn't my fault.

 

Watching the bodycam footage of the officers talking to Gabby and her boyfriend just made me cringe.   Gabby had all the signs of being in an abusive relationship.  They call it Stockholm Syndrome.   When someone has literally played with your mind and made you feel confused about your actions where you start to think they are your protector and if anything happens it's your fault if you got them mad or upset.   You end up thinking you did something wrong and protect them because you think you messed up somehow.   It's a blind loyalty not because the person cares but because the person has worn down your self esteem and your ability to reason for your own good. 

 

I don't understand why the media isn't focusing also on the way Gabby and her boyfriend were questioned.   They were joking with Brian.  In the end, they felt he was the victim of her abuse.   The officer who questioned Gabby made comments about his current wife and his ex-wife and how his relationship is so much better now because his ex was never on an even keel and his currrent wife and he gel so well.   Gabby took the blame for being "mean" saying that's why he struck her and grabbed her face.  She was confused because he hurt her yet she's still trying to take the blame although she knows something isn't right about what happened.  

 

It broke my heart to watch her emotions.  If those officers had been trained or had the brains to realize she was the victim, perhaps she would still be alive.  That entire police force didn't even relay that the witness had seen him slapping her.

 

Then the police there separate them, sending Brian to a motel (because in their minds he was the victim) and Gabby to be left alone in the van in the middle of nowhere.   Perhaps they did that so he wouldn't drive off without her, who knows, but it was weird.   Gabby still tells the police to tell him she loves him.. that's the abuse victim... trying to make everything right again, thinking her love will make him not be mad at her.  

 

Then they show the body cam of the officer driving Brian to the motel talking about his wife taking anxiety meds and how it's helped his situation where his wife is now calmer and easier to be around and maybe Gabby needs the same thing. The fact that he told Brian this to me should be against protocol.   He's insinuating that Gabby is the aggressor and needs the meds so Brian can have a calmer life without the "crazy" girlfriend being so emotional.

 

There was a woman deputy from the campgrounds near there that also talked to Gabby when she was in the back of the police car, and she was featured in an article where she said she warned Gabby in the few minutes she had to talk to her that she sees signs of domestic violence.  I wish the media would talk to her and get her story about it.  She recognized what was happening. 

 

This homicide has really touched me deeply.  I see myself in Gabby, in her reaction at that police stop, in her emotions and her words.   I see the young woman I used to be protecting the man who was abusing me in her face, in her hyperventilating when she spoke and in her shaking out of fear.  Had those officers not been so quick to blame her and buddy up to Brian, I'm just wondering if things could have been stopped.

 

I pray they find him and get some answers.   This kind of thing happens everyday.  I hope that it's opened up some dialogue that domestic violence is real and can happen to anyone.

Regular Contributor
Posts: 237
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case


I understand your post all too well and felt a range of emotions when watching that police video. They were so far off in their assumptions and overall response and I hope they're held accountable in some way for their terrible and obvious errors in judgment. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,580
Registered: ‎06-03-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

What also bothers me is that they lived with his parents for 2 years and his parents never recognized any signs of abuse?  Certainly, something wasn't right, since I doubt that he was a perfect gentlemen all along and then turned into someone who was aggressive enough to kill his girlfriend on that trip.  So horribly sad.

 

@Ladygray How awful for you, and so glad you were able to get out of that relationship. 

 

I have a good friend who was married to an aggressor and then when he pulled a gun on their sons and threatened them, she left with them in the middle of the night.  I wish she had spoken about what was going on so we could have helped her earlier.  We had no idea and it was a complete shock.  Glad to report she and her sons are doing terrific now - and zero contact with their dad.

 

 

 

 

 



......You look like I need a drink.....
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,392
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

Thank you for taking your time to post and I am sorry you had an abusive relationship.  I can understand how this case brings up your past pain.I think everyone should know the red flags and cycle of abuse signs! It can and does happen more than one knows. 

 

 After my Step daughter married  I noticed her husband had to know where she was all the time calling her constantly. I didn't spend alot of time with them  but questioned this in my mind. Yes, it escalated over the  years and 911 was called. She was lucky to divorce and is now remarried and happy with a second family. 

 

I was hit once and alcohol a factor. My ex said reporting it would affect his  military pay and not sure if that was true or not? We eventually divorced.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,513
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

Keep in mind there are different laws in different jurisdictions. They appear to be in the middle of nowhere and few, if any services  such as a shelter available.

 

Neither adult requested assistance and the responding officers witnessed nothing.  If they witness nothing and the victim doesn't want to press charges, then what?

 

Her family knew it was a volatile relationship between two people with mental health issues and her father "fixed up" her van so she could travel the US with an abuser.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,057
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

[ Edited ]

@Ladygray I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately the police are not trained to see between the cracks. Even if they were they would not have stopped what happened here. At that moment Gabby wasn't ready. That is why they separate the couple. It gives her a chance to speak freely in a safe place. I think she was ready soon  after that, and probably told him she had enough. It felt different to him, and when he realized he lost control he killed her. That is the most dangerous time for a woman when she decides to leave.

 

Everything you said is right, and the sad thing is she didn't know the danger she was in  once she said it was over. It wouldn't hurt to have someone trained in mental health issues on these calls, but if the victim isn't ready it won't change anything. What someone trained could and should tell them is when you are ready to leave you have to do it in a safe way. You cant't just leave. You need a support system in place. You need to be safe. 

 

I am not defending how the police handled this situation. I see a lot of issues as you do, and hopefully this video will be scrutinized, and they can use it to improve and educate law enforcement. 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,889
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

I saw only a short excerpt of the police discussing the couple. The fact that strangers called the authorities because they were very concerned is basically ignored by the police. They were dismissive about what was reported. They were also ignorant and ill-prepared to deal with what they saw. I absolutely agree that more training in recognizing abuse could have saved a life here.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,460
Registered: ‎05-12-2012

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

i have 3 granddaughters....i hope they grow up smart and strong........

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,168
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case


@Snowpuppy wrote:

Keep in mind there are different laws in different jurisdictions. They appear to be in the middle of nowhere and few, if any services  such as a shelter available.

 

Neither adult requested assistance and the responding officers witnessed nothing.  If they witness nothing and the victim doesn't want to press charges, then what?

 

Her family knew it was a volatile relationship between two people with mental health issues and her father "fixed up" her van so she could travel the US with an abuser.


I agree. A number of people failed in their responsibilities here, including both sets of parents.  It's simply not right to lay everything on the police, who don't even enter ithe picture until years after this dysfuntional relationship began.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,057
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: Domestic Violence & Gabby Petito Case

You have to also keep in mind that the police respond to domestic violence all the time. At times they arrest the male,and then the female bails him out, and they get called back again and again. Not to mention it is also a potentially dangerous situation for the police on some of these calls.  The cycle of abuse is a very serious issue, and there are no easy answers.

 

A start is to model and teach our children their value. We have to teach them they are OK right now in this moment, and that they do not have to change to fit what someone else tells them they should be. If they meet someone like that run do not walk.