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Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,702
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

I don't know anyone in that position and your friend IMO from the little I know is choosing this for herself. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,955
Registered: ‎08-13-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

Saw my Mom taking up trays of food upstairs to Grandmom, cleaning comode my Mom was so stressed out (takes a lot to care, physical & mentally) family dr. said Mom's blood pressure was so high almost a stroke so had family meeting & not one of Grandmom's kids wanted to take her so she into nursing home they didn't have the assist living places. Have 1 daughter we are retired & she said she would take care of us. Oh no!!!! She can't cook much just can't see that. So DH & I go to an estate lawyer we will go to assist. They are building so many assist living places here. Think newly retired people accept this. My parents generation did not, they always took care of the elderly.   Sometimes you need home care so the caretaker needs a break. They even have adult daycare centers. Low income look into senior benefits. There are some things out there. My FIL came out once & he wanted to look at assist living so we toured it. Very nice but not cheap. DH went home added up our utility bills, taxes, etc... he said we pay more than the monthly rent to live in our house. I don't plan to go there soon but it was nice , plenty to do if you can get around, they even had a little kitchen in each apt. When the time comes we will be fine & DD can visit plus live her life knowing we are taken care of. Now nursing homes are different.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,783
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

Do any of you think we'll all be there someday?

~The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a band.~
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,120
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

[ Edited ]

My parents were married for 30 years before my mom passed in December of 2000.

 

 

From then on, it was just my dad and me.

 

 

For the first 15 years, or so, dad could still take care of himself, but I would still look after him.

 

 

When his Althzheimer's began to present itself, my caretaking duties naturally increased.

 

 

When he could no longer take care of his house, we made the decision to sell it, and have him move in to the apartment complex where I was living.

 

He would still have his own apartment, and I would have my own separate apartment..

 

 

I rented the U-Haul, boxed stuff, loaded, drove, unloaded.

 

I scheduled a local thrift store to come in and take what they wanted.

 

I scheduled for junk haulers to come and haul off unwanted stuff.

 

 

 

Then in 2018, I had to move from my apartment, and decided to take Dad with me, because his Altzheimer's had gotten worse, and I worried about leaving him behind, so we found a place where we could live together.

 

Again, I had to rent a U-Haul, clean out my apartment, box up my stuff, and do the same with his apartment.

 

 

And I was doing ALL of this while working 40 hours a week.

 

And yes, I ASKED for help.

 

Crickets.

 

 

Once in the new place, his Altzheimer's really advanced at an alarming pace.

 

 

My whole life centered around him.

 

 

My whole world consisted of me going to work, then coming straight home, and repeat the next day.

 

 

Not one single person in my family stepped up and offered to help.

 

 

Not.

 

One.

 

Single.

 

Person.

 

 

 

My cousins whom he helped to raise as children, and whom to claim to love him oh so much, ever offered to help me pack, clean, or move their beloved Uncle.

 

 

It wasn't until my dad started to become physically violent, did one cousin finally show up, and that was because she wanted to take over, and try to get to my dad's money.

 

 

She was a vulture circling, waiting for my dad to pass.

 

 

She even threatened me with Adult Protective Services (because the house was not spotless) if I did not give her Power of Attorney to make medical decisions for my dad.

 

She did not like that I had placed my dad in a home that was in the San Francisco Bay Area, while she lived in Fallon, NV, and had to commute to see him.

 

She wanted to move him to a place in Nevada, "to be closer to her" so that she could "keep an eye" on how he was being taken care of.

 

Short version, Dad's attorney told me that a doctor had to make a medical diagnosis of Altzheimer's, fill out paperwork in order for me to get it, and if I couldn't fulfill my duties with the P.O.A., then next in line was my cousin's brother.

 

 

Nowhere in any of my dad's legal paperwork was my ***** of a cousin mentioned, even once.

 

Once she found out that she had no legal leg to stand on, she stopped visiting my dad.

 

 

In fact, she was out playing a round of golf when he died.

 

 

 

 

So, I am an only child.

 

 

No one else stepped up to the plate to take care of my dad.

 

No one offered to take care of him.

 

 

It was ALL on me.

 

 

 

Was it easy?

 

 

No, it wasn't.

 

 

Would I do it again?

 

 

Yes, I would.

 

 

Would I do some things differently?

 

 

Yes, I would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But for those to criticize those who are caregiver, need to do it themselves.

 

 

 

They need to take care of someone, who is growing increasingly dependant on them, for more and more, and maybe then they will have an idea of just how hard of a job it really is.

 

I'll never sit in judgement of another caregiver.

 

 

We are all trying to do the best that we can, often with little to no outside help from others.

 

 

Lastly, for those who do look down their noses at caregivers and poo-poo their decisions, I offer you this challenge.

 

If you know someone who is a caregiver, offer them a day off, or even a few hours off.

 

 

Say to that caregiver, "I'll look after George. Why don't you go take in a movie or go to get your hair done, get a massage."

 

 

I'll guarantee you that (A) the caregiver will welcome the respite, and (B) the one who is belittling will have their eyes opened to just how hard it really is to look after someone who is dependent on another for care.

 

Maybe that's why they don't do it themselves.

 

Because they know it's hard, and they know that they are not strong enough to do it, and are too selfish to give up any part of their lives to do it.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

[ Edited ]

I cared for my uncle for several years before he died while working fulltime.  As much as I loved him, he was also quite demanding.  It was tough to balance a high level job that required 50-60 hours a week, home, and him.  I had lots of calls in the middle of the night from him or LifeLine. But it was worth it.  He passed 5 years ago and I miss him.  

 

Mom was sick and pretty much bedridden the last couple of years of her life.  I was working a demanding fulltime job (50-60 hours a week), a parttime job (10-14 hours a week) and helping care for Mom, Dad and my disabled sister.  

 

Now that I am retired, I can help more.  But Dad is fiercely independent and says he has to keep doing things so he doesn't fail.  I agree.  I don't want to take away from his dignity as a functioning adult as long as he's safe.  He and my disabled sister still live at home.   It's been a blessing to be able to help my parents and sister.  

 

I have 6 younger siblings and we each have our own talents so no one carries the whole load.  However, I've learned to ask my siblings for help because they still work and don't always jump in.  

 

I admire your friend's dedication to her mom and grandma.  It sounds like she'll have to change her habit of leaving them somewhere and coming back....she may have to go back early or stay with them.  Hopefully, she schedules things on her day off.  

 

  • One thing I learned from Hospice is that caregivers need respite.  Your friend needs to find a circle of people who can help.  It may be hired help. It may be a friend of hers or her mom's.  

 

  • If her mom and grandma live in a senior living development or center, she can talk to them about how to get reliable help.  

 

  • Most states have government aging departments and ombudsmen and can help find a match for what she needs for the price she needs.  They helped me when my uncle was no longer able to live at home alone.  I also relied on some of his friends for support and help.

 

  • Since her mom is 75, Medicare has a lot of options for assistance at reduced or no cost.  Your friend should look into these right away.

 

Your friend needs some help and a broad shoulder.  Even if it gets old to you, please listen.  Sometimes getting it out is the best medicine.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?


@blackhole99 wrote:

I don't know anyone in that position and your friend IMO from the little I know is choosing this for herself. 


 

 

Perhaps you need to talk to some caregivers.  It's not a choice.  It's a calling, a very demanding one. A lot of people can't afford to hire help or don't qualify for help. Family does what family needs to do out of love. Caregivers need help and understanding, not judgment.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,917
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?


@RoughDraft wrote:

Do any of you think we'll all be there someday?

 

That's my fear.  We were fortunate in that my parents were fit, strong and healthy until that final illness in their early 80's.  They didn't need help or care.  My husband's parents are in their early 80's now and still going strong.  We both look back at grandparents and that's the way it is in our families, healthy aging.  Still. Hubby and I are committed to ensuring that we have the resources to care for ourselves throughout our lives.  It's why we continue push our retirement date out, 70 or 72 is the goal now.  Work and save so that should we get to the point where we need services; we'll have the money and we won't be dependant on our girls.  As for people who think there's government assistance and programs and help out there.  Yes, if you are low income. There's nothing if you are a middle class person.  If Medicare or insurance doesn't cover it, you are on your own.   


 

Super Contributor
Posts: 282
Registered: ‎05-25-2019

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

my mother was a caregiver to my father's mother for many years. shortly after she passed she then became the caregiver for her mother who evetually died too. it was a rough road for many years. my mother gave up so much. seven years ago my father had a stroke so she also became his caregiver until he passed last april. for the first time in her life at 85 she is on her own and enjoying her freedom. i feel for your friend because i know how difficult it is to be in her position.all you can do is be emotionally supportive.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 33,580
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?

[ Edited ]

@SeaMaiden wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

 

 If you have children with the idea  YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.  

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame. 


@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money.  Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you.  It's the way it works.  Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

 

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise.  They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own. 

 

It is the WAY it is.  


Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.

 If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life, 


If you chose to walk away from your parents in their time of need, you are a lousy child.  If you have kids who have chosen to walk away from you, you probably deserve it for what you did with your own family.  Kids learn by example.

 

I cannot imagine walking away from my mom when she was in the hospital dying with cancer, unable to swallow her own saliva, and telling the doctor or nurses to just handle things. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,166
Registered: ‎04-02-2015

Re: Do you know anyone in this position?


@chrystaltree wrote:

My friend is having really tough time. She'd been out of touch since the Fall and I assumed she it was  work, she has challenging job.  Both our birthdays are in March so I sent her an email saying we should set up or Birthday lunch and she called ten minutes later.  I know many women, men too who care for or look out for an elderly parent but my friend has a 75 year old mother and  a 95 year old grandmother and as an only child, she's all they have.  One has a multitude of health problems (she smoked most of her life) and the other is close to 100 and age is taking it's toll on her.  Between the two women and their needs, my friend was forced to step down from the job she loved (and that paid well) into a less demanding position so that she could work just 4 days a week.  So, she took a big pay cut.  Her social life has also been affected.  She didn't go on her yearly cruise with friends, her boyfriend went and wasn't thrilled that she didn't go.   The old ladies won't use the cell phone she gave them even though she insisted that they take it with them when they leave the house.  So, not once but twice last week when she took them to doctor's visits, they left before she arrived to pick them up and she couldn't find them and it was big time consuming mess.  Which wouldn't have happened if they had that cell their phone with them.  I got the idea that her mother is more of a problem than her grandmother.  Cognitively, the mother seems to be slipping.  The good part is the two women live together and while they are far from rich, money is not a problem.  The bad part of that is they also are not eligible for most elderly services.  They pay for someone to clean the once a week and that woman will do their shopping, if they give her the list and money but they either forget or just won't do it.  Which means my friend has to do it.   It made me think.  How many other women....because it's almost always the women.....are juggling their own life and job and the care of a parent  AND a grandparent?   I listened and I felt so sad for her because this is not the life she thought she would have at 56.  


Are you close enough that you could help her out? Maybe let her have an evening to go out with friends. Also there are now adult daycare for people, she might look into that. I can't believe that you feel so bad for her, but have not figured a way to help her out. Instead of seeing things, do something. I honestly would do that, and have done that, for free.