Do you know anyone in this position? - Page 4

on the bay · ‎03-09-2010

That is the same with my family

and thank you for describing it so well

Makes me feel glad to hear you have that kind of family and I hope there are many more who do.

I guess yes, though hard, we do it out of love, and our children feel the same for us as we do for our parents.

I never want my children to have to take care of their parents, but they say the same thing as yours-they want to do that for us when we need it and we still do that for all of them whenever they need us.

It doesn't mean giving up our life, just doing what matters most at the time,

for as long as we can, and then feel like we would do it all over again whenever they needed us.

I guess we are lucky to have that kind of family when you think about it.

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@AuntG wrote:
Not someone identical to your friend with her mom and grandma, but many people on these boards deal with similar issues. I think she is very caring to take a job with less hours even though it involved a cut in pay. Of her three days off, I'd spend one day on appointments, errands and shopping lists for the ladies....one day totally to myself and one day with the boyfriend.

That's exactly why she needed a whole day that she could devote just to them. There was no way she could do that with her previous job. Not on a regular basis. She makes every effort to coordinate their doctor appointments on Thursdays. That's the day that fills their fridge, fills their pill dispensers, picks up prescriptions etc. She said the grandmother likes car rides so, time permitting, she takes her on a little car ride. I think what's wearing her down is that many nights there's some reason why she has to stop by their house after work. Last week they called her to say the electricity went off in the kitchen and dining room and downstairs bathroom. My friend said she knew it was the circuit breaker but that is in the basement and neither woman can negotiate the steep basement stairs. She had to go, there was no one else. A few days before that, the hospital ER called her to say that an ambulance had brought her mother in. Her mother takes a certain medication 3 times a day; been taking it for years. She also takes several other medications daily. Who knows why but she took all all the pills at once and a few hours later was dizzy and wobbly and almost fainted. Her mother called an ambulance. It was an accidental overdose of the medication that is suppsed to be taken every 6-8 hours. Actually, I see that rather often in my work. Things like that. Things she can't just say "well, I'm not going!" There is no one else. I didn't say it because didn't ask but my thought was that she should explore the possibility of a care facility for her mother. She could have the grandmother, who requires far less care to live with her. The lady is 95 so it wouldn't be for long. I'm sure she and I will talk about this again, I'll bring it up.

BadWolf · ‎10-10-2014

@eddyandme My situation is very similar to yours. I was caregiver to two brothers and my mother over the past 10 years. People need to realize that this is just another part of life. At the beginning, I could not believe how some people were such saints in taking over these situations. Is it hard? OMG yes, so hard and frustrating. In the end, however, it brought me so much closer to them and I can honestly say now that it truly was my privilege. Those that believe they are being so strong and stoic by not having their children care for them should take a moment to think, maybe instead, they are being selfish by not allowing them to perform one of the true functions of a family - taking care of each other. Looking back, there were such bad times but many, many good times and I do not regret one minute!

gramgrandkids1 · ‎10-31-2019

I took care of my mother the last 14 months of her life. She had spent 3 months in a rehab facility (nice name for nursing home) and got strong enough to come home. I told her I was going to take care of her because she could not live alone. She knew as an only child it would be a lot on me and asked if I would resent having to care for her. I asked how could I resent caring for her since she was my mother. It was an adjustment on the household but with understanding hubby all went well. I was so thankful for the time we had together. I have developed some serious health issues as a result of being a full time caregiver, but would do it all over again knowing the outcome would be the same for the time I had with her at the end of her life. She enjoyed her last days in comfort and with the knowledge she was loved. That being said, I do not feel it is the responsibility of children to automatically be expected to care for parents. Not everyone is willing/able to care for someone. It is quite an undertaking. I do believe it is a child's responsibility to make sure their loved one is cared for. Do as much research to make sure you get best possible care for them.

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@tends2dogs wrote:
I don't understand why your friend felt the need to step down from a job she loves and cut off her activities with her boyfriend when these two woman are not apparently bed ridden and helpless. The fact that they are able to leave the house on their own and get around doesn't indicate that they need as much care as your friend gave up her life to give them. If money is no problem, I would have hired someone to pick up what I wasn't able to do because I was working. It does indeed sound as if these two women are selfish and inconsiderate. I think your friend took on more and gave up more than she really needed to.

I am in no way saying that your friend shouldn't or wouldn't want to help, but these women don't seem to be in need of help that would warrant what your friend gave up. Maybe down the road, but it doewsn't sound like it is the case right now.

@tends2dogs I agree that these two women sound very selfish! I also don't understand why the friend has given up her life! Instead of taking a huge pay cut why not hire a good aide that can keep an eye on them (75 BTW isn't really all that old for many) and help with shopping and doctors appointments?

Once one becomes a full time caregiver, it can affect the caregiver's health...then who will take care of the caregiver?

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.
@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money. Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you. It's the way it works. Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise. They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own.

It is the WAY it is.
Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.
If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life,

@SeaMaiden No dear, you don't always get to choose. Someone is responsible for it. If it is your parents it may be you whether you choose to or not. At that point you don't get to decide.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

Sorry @chrystaltree ,

Too hard to read for me. Small font and 1 long paragraph.

hckynut

hckynut(john)

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Imaoldhippie wrote:
Personally, I would put mom and grandma in an assistant living facility and kept my good job. How sad she gave it up.

@Imaoldhippie I agree that would be best, but what if they won't go? They don't have to you know! You really have no control over what they do unless they are so far gone and you have to go to court.

ninjawife · ‎11-15-2011

My grandmother had early onset dementia. When I was away at college, my mother had to put her in a nursing home. When I finished graduate school I moved back to my home state. I visited my grandmother every week and did her laundry. I did that for 6 1/2 years until she died the week I gave birth to my first child.

Fast forward 11 years later, my children were 11 and 6 when my mother wa diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. SIx months later my father developed a life threatening infection following knee replacement surgery. Throughout my 40s I took care of both of them as I am an only child. I also raised my girls and worked part-time. It was very stressful as both were not good patients.

cotton4me · ‎03-09-2010

Being a caregiver isn’t easy. It’s not always parents. I’m a caregiver for my husband. I’m glad I can be there for him but there are days I wonder if I’m going to make it. In those moments I pray for strength and somehow, I make it through another day. My heart goes out to all the caregivers on this board. Until someone walks in those shoes it’s hard to understand what it’s like.