Among Friends

[libbyannE]

I cannot imagine keeping score--or befriending those who do.  I am grateful for the kind of family I have (and, I suppose, for the DNA) because I did not learn or inherit the ability to think in that way. All credit to my parents, grandparents, etc.

[luvdoodles]

I am recovering from surgery and chemo and radiation. It's been a long journey, still healing. I received many cards and sensible gifts. I did thank the girls in my neighborhood, never crossed my to those that didn't. I am grateful for the friends I have. It does mean a lot.

[chiclet]

I think we all to at least to a point because it hurts our feelings.  I try not to start things like gift giving for relatives and friends.  It might seem sweet at first but then becomes a burden to do year after year. If someone takes advantage then I just back away. 

[Financialgrl]

No - but I was friends with a woman I'd known for over 30 years.  Her husband died after a decade long battle of cancer.  She kept a mental score of anyone/everyone she ever knew who didn't send a card, call or acknowledge her grief and if someone was within her view or we'd get caught speaking to one of these ppl, she'd rattle off her entire list of ppl (including that person) she hated and why and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to have her back - her enemies were my enemies.  

It came up at least once a month and it got tiring - a decade later  she was still rattling off who never called when hubby died.  This type behavior morphed into many other type situations she perceived as ppl wronging her.  The last 2 years of her life the neighbors got tired of it and every one of them walked out of her life and heaven forbid it you tried to explain why.     

[LurkyLoo]

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@Sooner wrote:

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@Regal Bee wrote:

I didn't for most of my life and was often taken advantage of.  I do, now.....as I just don't waste my time and energy on people that cannot be bothered to return any type of kindness. 

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Sometimes it's hard to see that when people are nice to you that they are taking you for a ride and it IS one of those 100-0 relationships.  Sometimes if you are the kind of person who doesn't keep count or think that way, it is hard to see (sounds better than "we are just stupid" doesn't it?).

There is a saying:  Don't make people a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.

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I think this is kind of it for me. One of the more undesirable experiences can be when you learn that someone was faking kindness, compassion or generosity because they wanted something in return. If they don’t get whatever that is.. be it endless, exclusive favors, sky-high praise or part of your inheritance, there goes all their “sincere and heartfelt concern.” Better off without these t i t-for tat phony, manipulative types. There will be no apology or closure, so rather than keeping score or holding a grudge (very unhealthy); I just forgive them their weaknesses and move on without them. 

When it comes to simple gift exchanges or cards; no.. I don’t give with the expectation of receiving one in return. In fact, my favorite way to give is anonymously! Surprise those I know who are in need of cheering up, or may even be in need of nourishment. I like to leave greeting cards, unsigned, with a gift card inside through the mail slats of the doors to such neighbors. (Retirement community.)

Now, it would be very hard to not mentally note if someone close to you doesn’t recognize your grief from a recent loss, in one form or another. Just a phone call, or something. I haven’t experienced that yet.. but can’t imagine recording it in a notebook, etc. That seems really quite extreme and self-punishing. The forgetful or thoughtless person wouldn’t be any wiser of it. Don’t understand it, but I don’t doubt it goes on. 

[LTT1]

@butterfly123

Keeping score is a miserable way of life...and no, I don’t and I refuse.💗

[lovesrecess]

Heavens no I don't keep score. I think you are asking if we feel obligated to reciprocate if we get a card or gift from someone. I love sending Christmas cards...call me old-fashioned....but discovered I was only getting them from people I had sent one to...because I had sent them one...so the card from them meant nothing to me other than a symbol of their feeling obligated. I won't send them anymore to those people. I will still send cards to family and friends if I desire. Keeping score on gifts, etc? Life is too short for that. Is ending a holiday card that far out of date now?

[SelahG]

I agree that keeping up with all of that (as some here have described) would drive me mad! 

I don't keep a score card for general gift and card giving. Or my time or deeds either. We know that “character is best demonstrated when we're kind to those who can do nothing for us in return.” 

I would, though—if it occurred—draw the line at being used or abused (as others have noted). Enabling such behavior isn’t kind, beneficial or healthy either. Just creates a very unbalanced sense of entitlement in others.

There is a lot to be said for sharing gratitude, as well as charity of spirit. 

[happycat]

I don't keep score of things folks forget, but I have a friend who sends me cards, sometimes gifts and I always reciprocate. I guess if its a positive thing a person does for me, I do try to give back.

If they are gonna take the time to send me something, for no occasion, I do appreciate it and want to do something back for them. I do send her cards first sometimes.