Do people actually keep score? - Page 9

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

Yes, there are people who keep score. It shouldn't be that way, but some people think in those terms.

I think what happens for others, though, is that they're there for their friends/neighbors without any expectation of reciprocation. But sometimes, over time, things start to look very lopsided and they realize they're doing all the giving. Unfortunately some people take advantage of the good nature of others, and can't be bothered to ever reciprocate. It's normal for the one doing all the giving to feel some resentment.

In a good relationship, there's constant give and take, and it somewhat evens out eventually. But when it becomes glaringly obvious that one person is always the giver and the other is always the taker, then it's normal to start paying close attention to the dynamics and to question the friendship.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. No one has to jump thru hoops or re-arrange their lives to help me. In my experience, though, real friends help each other, and a lot of the time that's not about driving to the airport or painting a room. It just means simply caring and listening. If a friend can't be bothered to do that, then IMO it's not much of a friendship.

insomniac2 · ‎02-20-2016

Nicksmom, how appalling!

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@jeanlake wrote:
Just a thought -- people who keep score in generally must be emotionally exhausted. Fear and insecurity seems to fuel most unpleasant behavior.

It sounds exhausting to me too.

The whole "her turn", "my turn" thing is so unnecessary. I prefer to just let things play out naturally. And honestly, I don't want anyone doing anything for me out of a sense of obligation. Friends doing things for friends should come from the heart.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Isobel Archer wrote:
There is a big difference between helping someone because you expect something in return and helping them over and over and over and asking once for a small favor and being told they "don't feel like it - ask someone else."

In the latter case, I doubt there is anyone here who would just say - oh that's absolutely their right and I'm still glad to be of service to them anytine they ask.

I agree. "I don't feel like leaving the house" would have bothered me. A lot. And I don't think it has anything to do with keeping score. It would be pretty unkind even if no favors had been done for her. It's like a slap in the face. Like saying, "Well, I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to." The worst part, IMO, is not that she wouldn't do the favor - It's the nastiness and rude attitude.

I also think there are different kinds of "help", and that makes a big difference too. In the example above, I would definitely make myself less available to meet her kids at the bus because she's clearly taking advantage. But if she had a medical situation or needed cash for an emergency, I would do whatever I could.

(And if someone was helping out with my kids, the most precious things in the world to me, I would - at the very least - be nice to her!)

lovesrecess · ‎03-14-2010

When I first saw the topic I thought “keeping score” meant holding a grudge or someone like that....and boy do I know someone like that! I think most people, at least older people, feel a sense of obligation to return a favor with either a token of thanks or reciprocating another way.

lovesrecess · ‎03-14-2010

If someone expects to be paid or expects the same kind of gesture or help they extend to someone...best not to help at all...there is always a chance you will be disappointed. I guess I am different because I don’t mind helping others..in fact, I love to help others. I have never even thought about keeping score or expected anything in return.

BSurLife65 · ‎04-10-2011

All my life I've had Family and friends who actually lived by their own scorecards (financial & deeds). It's So Unhealthy. I don't think or live like they do; it's like Oil and Water. Maybe that attitude comes from personal insecurity? I've paid the price for cutting these people out of my life because it's so toxic to maintain a balance with them. I think they are too needy and unhappy with themselves.

Long ago a wise person described this behavior as "Saving Green Stamps" (many of you will get this). Since understanding this incompatibility, I have chosen people in my life who, often without my asking, offer to help me without expectation of my returning favors or paying them. I do the same and I'm glad to read in these posts that not everyone keeps a scorecard. It feels Good to spontaneously be of help or service to others, and I don't need to keep score. Life is a Circle.

BSurLife65 · ‎04-10-2011

@happycat wrote:
@ Montana wrote:
I don’t think it is a matter of keeping score. I think it just really hurts when we care about someone and they don’t care back.
This right here. This is the bottom line and I totaly agree.

I think this 'scorekeeping' runs deeper than 'caring vs. not caring'; it's learned behavior from early childhood. "Caring" is too broad a category to describe the differences in individual attitudes and behaviors (don't most people think they ARE caring?).

BSurLife65 · ‎04-10-2011

@Snowpuppy wrote:
One thing I've learned is that I saw people as my friend, even just a casual friend.

They often just saw me as The Hired Help where payment was oh, thanks.

When I was no longer available to drive them, babysit, hang wallpaper, paint a room or help landscape...they all disappeared.

Be grateful they're GONE ! You have a choice as to who is in and OUT of your precious Life.

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@K9buddy wrote:
Tell me all of you holier than thou posters wouldn’t be ticked off if you were Nicksmom and wouldn’t rush to the aid of that neighbor in the future.

@K9buddy wow ! I would certainly be ticked off! The nerve! she didin't feel like leaving her house but expects her good hearted enighbor to pick up her daughter either from school or the bus stop multiple times. To me that's just wrong.

While I wouldn't "keep score" as in I do something for you then you need to do something for me, I would think that if I did a LOT of somethings for you, then you can help me out once in a blue moon!