Among Friends

[Deb665]

I usually find myself in the position of the giver.  Don’t mind doing favors for others until I reach the point that i’m being used.  10 years ago I lived on a street that had several younger families who traveled a lot.  I was the one they all wanted to take care of their dogs when they traveled. 

Family 1 had a large female lab that my two Westie’s loved.  The family left for a week at Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmas, their dog came to live with us.  We took care of her as if she belonged to us.  There were other trips and vacations, but the holidays became a tradition.

Family 2 was so comfortable with me taking care of their house and dog that they once called from out of state to tell me the dog was locked in the bathroom, the plants would need to be watered daily and they had scheduled a construction worker to come look at their chimney on a certain day and I would need to be there while he worked.

Family 3 went to an amusement park every weekend during the summer and wanted me to feed their dog and let him in and out.  

All 3 families wanted their mail picked up and any packages brought in.  This went on for several years,  it was especially fun when families 2 & 3 would vacation together!

My sister and I decided we wanted to take an overnight trip.  We first asked Family 1 if they would feed our dogs twice a day.  We had a doggie door and all we needed was for someone to feed them and make sure they had water.  The response to our request, “we MIGHT be able to do it if you csn’t Find someone else”

Family 2 weren’t going to be available anytime in October.

Family 3 didn’t want to commit because opportunities were always coming up for them to go places and if the were offered a chance to go somewhere they wouldn’t be able to see about our dogs.

None of the families could understand when it was no longer convenient for me to take care of their house, plants or animals.  One family pushed wanting to know why until I finally said I don’t want to.  

I felt I went beyond doing favors for these people and was being used.  There is a difference.

[Eileen in Virginia]

As I’ve mentioned before DH, DS and I are helping my elderly aunt who was hospitalized with congestive heart failure and pneumonia in October. She and my uncle didn’t have any children. My cousin, her only other relative in the area and her power of attorney, is a Federal contractor. DH, DS and I have taken her to every appointment she’s had since being released from rehab so my cousin doesn’t have to take time off from work to do it. We’re happy to do this and didn’t start counting how many appointments we’d taken her to until my cousin started acting like we weren’t doing enough and taking us for granted. So now I've highlighted all the dates of appointments we’ve taken her to since October on the master calendar. In the 6 months since she came home, he finally got her a Life Alert lanyard last week. We've also told him he’s got the lead on getting her eyes checked with her ophthalmologist. 

On a lighter note, one of our neighbors would call to ask for an egg or a cup of milk to make something (usually for breakfast). I never gave it much thought until I told DH that she’d be coming over while I was downstairs doing laundry. His immediate response was  “What does she need now?” We laughed, but I never realized how much she borrowed. It doesn’t matter, because they’re good neighbors. In her case, it was a matter of being a very busy mother. 

Generally, we’re happy to help out whenever possible, but don’t like feeling like someone’s taking advantage of us.

[CrazyDaisy]

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@Carmie wrote:

I have never seen constant posts about people needing help, but I have seen a couple over the years.

In the posts I have seen there is no keeping score.  The complaints are because there is someone who feels they were taken advantage of.  There are  givers and takers in this world.

Good people do both. Unappreciative, entitled people are glad to take help over and over again, but won't lift a finger when someone else needs a favor.  

Having somone treat you you this way makes you feel bad and it hurts. I completely understand.

---

The question is do they feel taken advantage of or hurt because they keep score or track of what they do for others.  It then becomes an expectation that the good deeds will be returned. 

[CrazyDaisy]

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@Deb665 wrote:

I usually find myself in the position of the giver.  Don’t mind doing favors for others until I reach the point that i’m being used.  10 years ago I lived on a street that had several younger families who traveled a lot.  I was the one they all wanted to take care of their dogs when they traveled. 

Family 1 had a large female lab that my two Westie’s loved.  The family left for a week at Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmas, their dog came to live with us.  We took care of her as if she belonged to us.  There were other trips and vacations, but the holidays became a tradition.

Family 2 was so comfortable with me taking care of their house and dog that they once called from out of state to tell me the dog was locked in the bathroom, the plants would need to be watered daily and they had scheduled a construction worker to come look at their chimney on a certain day and I would need to be there while he worked.

Family 3 went to an amusement park every weekend during the summer and wanted me to feed their dog and let him in and out.  

All 3 families wanted their mail picked up and any packages brought in.  This went on for several years,  it was especially fun when families 2 & 3 would vacation together!

My sister and I decided we wanted to take an overnight trip.  We first asked Family 1 if they would feed our dogs twice a day.  We had a doggie door and all we needed was for someone to feed them and make sure they had water.  The response to our request, “we MIGHT be able to do it if you csn’t Find someone else”

Family 2 weren’t going to be available anytime in October.

Family 3 didn’t want to commit because opportunities were always coming up for them to go places and if the were offered a chance to go somewhere they wouldn’t be able to see about our dogs.

None of the families could understand when it was no longer convenient for me to take care of their house, plants or animals.  One family pushed wanting to know why until I finally said I don’t want to.  

I felt I went beyond doing favors for these people and was being used.  There is a difference.

---

You did these favors because you wanted to, you could and possibly should have said no if I became something more than helping them out.  When it becomes a job you should be compensated in some way.

[qualitygal]

No score keeping.  No need.  

When I help, it's with my heart in forward gear with no expections or strings.  What a waste of time and energy to do it any other way.  It's a choice and we can say NO as easily as YES.  But if I can help, why not!!

[on the bay]

@CrazyDaisy -

I think some people do and some people never feel that way.

I don't ever think of reciprocation because I usually help people because I care about them and there usually is a great reward in itself for that.

I have a neighbor with dementia and I actually love spending time with her.

She has a great sense of humor, and she is always so happy to go out to lunch. I actually never get tired of hearing her stories even if they are the same ones I've heard before. We have a lot of the same feelings and interests, and thoughts. She loves animals and her dog loves me. She is very unique and always makes me feel so loved and special too.

When I help my elderly mother, it is hard sometimes physically, but she is always so grateful, I feel I would do it all over again because I love her. Same with my children and I know I'm not alone in this, that you can do things to help that maybe are hard or you could never do for someone else, and never imagined that you could do.

Yet, I also try not to do things for everyone and anyone and any group or club under the sun!

But when you can spend time or do something for people, our fellow humans, it is a wonderful time spent.

[kitcat51]

Of course people keep score & it goes beyond neighbors & friends, add family to that...they are the worst & oh the stories I could tell.

[missy1]

IMO it's like friendship, when you are the one that only gives... then it's time to end it.

If I was Knicksmom, I would not be picking up the child anymore. I would feel like a doormat. It's not about keeping score. But when I have done 100 things for this person, and they can't return one favor, it's a problem.

[Sooner]

I have discovered that people are very different in the way that they view relationships.  Some of the things I read hear simply knock my socks off. 

There are those who will help when they can and think nothing of it, want nothing in return and are happy to be able to help

There are those who help to glorify themselves and want nothing other than praise, and lots of it, from others.

There are martyrs who want to say to the world "I was abused, used and was a doormat" and are proud of it.

Those who want quid pro quo.  And nothing less, and probably a lot more, will do.

There are those too weak to ever say no.

And on and on and on.  There are angry people, mean people, sad people, happy, and givers and takers in this world.  It's up to each to sort out who we are; and up to us to avoid some of the above when we can.

[Group 5 minus 1]

In the last power outage we helped many and did not keep score. When we needed a favor it was returned gladly. Is that what you mean?