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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,522
Registered: ‎09-29-2013

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

@mintedrose - if your husband is introverted by nature (always has been), he'll need to recharge his batteries from the stresses of his work with quiet, downtime at home. Possibly even alone some of time. You could plan, quiet, romantic dinners and such right at home. It's not so important where you bond and rekindle your relationship as that the time is made to do so. 

 

Of course, if you're more extroverted, you will feel stress by not being out and about with other people. Neither of you will change the other's predisposition. You can try to compromise if you're able to honestly communicate your feelings in a calm way and reach an agreement. Plan one or two special activities out together per month, and don’t pressure him about it otherwise. You can meet friends and enjoy activities with them. Join a gym, take a class, etc. 

 

Rather he realizes it, or not.... he seems to be punishing you out of resentment or something. I'd feel inclined to ask him why that is. If he honestly doesn’t know, couples counseling could help him determine why. 

 

If he's not an introvert by nature, there is something else going on that he's trying to conceal. Be it anxiety, depression or some other medical issue that he could be in denial of. 

 

My husband and I are both in our 40s, both work full time in high pressure careers. We still have two children at home, so most of our time out is enjoyed by pursuing their interests - or supporting them in broadening those interests. When hubby and I get the opportunity to enjoy an evening or weekend away as a couple... we're still both overjoyed to make the most of it. Most evenings, through the work week, though, we're both perfectly content to chill at home. We do both still enjoy vacations with family and friends, but don't feel them necessary for the survival of our marriage. They are more a bonus when they can happen. I guess we're compatible being somewhere between the extrovert - introvert spectrum. Many couples aren’t as compatible in that way. I'm sure it can be quite challenging. Would he resent you for pursuing activities without him? That could mean real problems. 

 

Best wishes to you! 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,368
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

@DearPrudence 

 

If I've learned anything in living and being married, is this, it's complicated.

 

More than anything, it makes me sad.  

 

Making what would seem to be the obvious choice to us is not necessarily the easiest/right choice for OP.

 

Sometimes we are just having a rough patch and we need to complain.

 

For her sake, I hope that's all it is.

 

Otherwise, I wish her the wisdom and strength to create a happier life.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,747
Registered: ‎11-21-2011

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Did he work this much when you were dating? What did you guys do when you were dating to have fun?

 

It sounds like going on vacation isn't something he likes to do, but you seem to really want to go on vacation. So of course he's not happy. Making all the plans and asking for his input on stuff doesn't mean he wants to do it. He's probably feeling pressured. Why not just try spending a quiet weekend at home and see how it goes. Eat at home, relax or whatever.

 

It sounds like you married someone that might not be a great match for you. I'd go make some friends and make plans to go on vacation with them. And yes you can go on vacation by yourself. Probably better because you can just do what you want without anyone else not liking it.

 

This all makes me think of the guys sitting at the mall looking forlorn while their ladies shop.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,602
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Leave the man alone; he is who is.  And he should be allowed to be who his.  I'm sure your harping on him drives him crazy.  If you don't want to travel with him, tell him why and travel with a friend or travel alone.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,171
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

[ Edited ]

Minted Rose, I totally understand. It’s so hard, frustrating and upsetting- Maybe it is best if you don’t go out with him. Find a way to get out yourself. Walk in nature, yourself,  it is peaceful.

I can relate,believe me, my spouse is easily angered and when we fight, it quickly turns ugly.  So hard...   

I try to tell myself, ‘ I’m not gonna let you ruin my day or life,’  . Then I internally call him a jerk, and let it go, and enjoy my day by myself!  We can have a life ourselves!!    In fact, it’s good to do that sometimes, we women are often living alone later in life...

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,492
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

It sounds like he is an introvert and when he’s tired and works long hours his way of recharging and relaxing is to stay home with occasional visits to his family.
It sounds like you are more extroverted and want to go out and do things. Trying to change who your husband is well only create conflict. You mentioned that you have cultivated no friends where you currently live and I think that’s a key statement. You might be happier if you develop some friendships and are also willing to sometimes go out and do things on your own. As far as spending time with your husband, maybe a date night in with a romantic dinner and a movie?
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,890
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

[ Edited ]

Some individuals who get whiny, agitated can be suffering from low level anxiety/depression.

 

I've been there myself and have also observed the behavior in my brother.    I am the introvert and started noticing symptoms in my thirties.  My brother the extrovert started in his forties.  I believe ours may be hereditary, but also feel stress, even self imposed stress can be a factor.

 

Prescription medication has helped me stay in balance and live a much more comfortable and happier life. I am more open now to doing things now, then sitting at home.

 

@mintedrose You stated that you have spoken with your husband about this behavior and he apologizes, but forgets and future episodes happen. Obviously it is something he has trouble controling.  So perhaps you could gently speak with him about discussing with his physician.

 

I wish you and your husband my best and sincerely hope you both can conquer this in a positive manner.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,366
Registered: ‎03-21-2017

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

@mintedrose PTSD can also cause these type moods. Not saying that’s what it is, but I agree with others that a checkup would be in order.  Easier said than done to convince him of that, though.  I also think he is working way too much. He will most likely mellow as he ages, but meanwhile, you don’t need this causing upset in your marriage.  Try communicating when he is calm.  Tell him how it affects you.  Hang in there.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,955
Registered: ‎08-13-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

fumny get someome out witch is big time to to repair, sprinkler today a clogged thing told him well if u can;t fixe it then call them so much money he did figure it out .DH did fix it all so happy some clogged things he got to it. Marrried over 40yrs yep we under stand love all his bad ways but he understands me tool. I am not perfect.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,401
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes


@sissel wrote:

fumny get someome out witch is big time to to repair, sprinkler today a clogged thing told him well if u can;t fixe it then call them so much money he did figure it out .DH did fix it all so happy some clogged things he got to it. Marrried over 40yrs yep we under stand love all his bad ways but he understands me tool. I am not perfect.


 

 

@sissel 

 

 I have no idea what you said in your post. Might just be me, but if so, I must have missed something in this thread. Sorry 

 

 

 

hckynut