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Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,848
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

 

@mintedrose 

 

Is he retired? If so, during his working days what did you both do, and like doing, as a couple?  From the little I get from what you have said here, he sounds like a lazy man/with no interests/a pessimist/thinks only of himself. Beats me how anyone like you have describes can even enjoy living.

 

My wife and I like similar things but we spend more of our time doing "our own things", she is happy living this way, as am I. As far as going out? My wife loves going somewhere every day. Me, on the other hand, could spend months and be happy going nowhere. Guess I enjoy my own company along with our furry kids.

 

Our younger lives were much different. I spent much of it pursuing my hobbies, much of which involved traveling around most of the Midwest States. That included lots of eating out, and a whole lot of partying. My wife lived a much more "quiet" type of life.

 

If my wife really wants me to go somewhere with her, I go, and do not make it a negative experience for her. Your man complains a lot, I do not. I worked serving people in the food industry for several years in my growing up years. I understand how hard a job that seems pretty simple to others, is not.

 

No suggestions for you other than do things you like with a family member or a friend. Depending on your guys age, you might be climbing a top less mountain.

 

 

 

hckynut

hckynut(john)
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,653
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

@mintedrose,

I’ve been married 45 years to a man with social desires like you, and I am a true homebody like your husband.  What has worked for us is to accept each other as we are, and drop the expectations.

 

My husband has had serious health issues since October.   To date he’s had 5 hospitalizations, and my car has 10,000 more miles from all the medical related trips.   We have spent weeks at home during his healing process; not a big deal for me, but a challenge for him.   With nicer weather, I have pushed myself to go out for breakfast or lunch at places he enjoys.  It hasn’t killed me, but it’s a push outside my comfort zone.   

 

Today, my husband and his aunt went to meet their cousin/nephew who was traveling thru this area to attend a wedding. I stayed home to enjoy total peace and quiet.  For 8 months, I have been stuck to my husband like glue due to medical issues.   It felt good to see him do something with his family that did not require my presence.   

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,459
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

It sounds like your husband would rather be home than anywhere else. His nitpicking whenever you’re away from home indictates his unhappiness. As I see it, you have serveral choices: 1. Go where you like and expect to hear complaints 2. Opt for a staycation, where you might be the one who complains, or 3. Go on a trip with your friends or on an all-girl tour of locales on your bucket list; he can stay home, parked in front of the TV.

 

 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 635
Registered: ‎03-04-2017

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

[ Edited ]

Thank you so much for all the advice here. So, few things i guess i should've added are that he works full time and that keeps him very busy as its a demanding field. I urge him to take time out for himself and i guess im hoping that by doing fun things together, could help de-stress him a little bit. He has long time friends but he doesnt spend much time with them anymore except an occasional phone call. I encourage him to see them or just spend time with his brothers and they do get together once a few months or so. He's in his 40s and im in my 30s, he does get routine check ups and they've been ok except high cholestrol. He has always been like this since Ive known him so its nothing recent. 

 

I do have my own hobbies and interests and i enjoy doing those things on my own. As for friends, I never developed any friendships here for some reason. He doesnt have time for hobbies because sometimes he's working 7 days a week. However, he relies on me to arrange things that we could do together. I plan and arrange for vacations and ask for his input to he's aware and involved in the process. So when it comes to going to vacations or just randomly going out to dinner, thats something you cannot do alone. There are things that a couple does just together, Part of marriage is to enjoy some of those things together isnt it? 

 

For example, we're both big sports fans. I got some tickets to a bastekball game that we were both so excited about. Long story short, while we were in the car on our way there, I was on the phone with someone that i couldnt postpone and he started his fuss again. Now, I am a very calm person and i dont turn to anger quickly. So, while im on the phone, he keeps interrupting me asking how to get there. He does have navigation on his own phone which he uses ALL the time but for whatever reason he had to frustrate me. I kept calm and told him to look it up on his phone but He didnt stop. Then he started a fuss because we were in traffic for so long. The entire hour drive was a nightmare. After a while i got so upset that it ruined my entire experience and ended up with a really bad headache. it was like hell going with him. And to put the icing on the cake, he spilled ketchup on his short while he was eating during half time and fussed again. Yah, i cant take him anywhere.

 

Its stuff like that, it may not seem like a big deal but in the way it eventually gets on your nerves and  piles on previous bad experiences and can make a very happy person turn totally insane. On one hand he expects me to do everything and on the other, he attempts to ruin it for both of us. 

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,704
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

My cousin and her husband do not like the same type of activities and have always gone their own way, they have been happily married 47 years. Right now, she is on a cruise with a girl friend and he's sitting at home with the cats, watching TV. I would save myself the grief and find someone who likes the same things you do and wants a traveling buddy.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,974
Registered: ‎09-02-2011

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes


@Winkk wrote:

Was he like that when you married him?  How old is he?  I know as I get older I'm not as interested in gong places.  It's sort of been there, done that. 

 

There doesn't have to indicate a medical problem.  Maybe, he's content the way things are.


 

             @Winkk - excellent insight and a darn realistic answer. 

My husband is 5 years older than me. We are not `old OLD, but certainly not any 30 something. We have traveled the world for years together, (both business and pleasure).

 

Only one though of mine would be {that} if he were to be much older, ill, and finished with being in the work-a-day life or limelight...?      I wish you both many years of joy.

 

 We have a beautiful fun filled life together.

Our traveling has decreased by 75%, and is usually... that would be my husband.

    "..... We enjoy our beautiful yards that he had worked on for many years making [IT] our own little sanctuary. As mentioned earlier by you, have done more than the average couple, have no need to purchase by doing any foot walking, we love to spend time reading devotions and receiving newsy news from from our friends.

 

 Our son travels a lot, so we are always ready when he is in our state and can spend precious time visiting us".

 After working "X" amount of years, it is a luxury to be child like ...(and that's not OLD or strange)...he enjoys the older sit com, Film Noirs that he never saw; I have no use for watching TV but we do have those special days when we will make a date day -to night finding many things to do.

 

I enjoy my medical career research and art work. totally.

 

 A shopping venture would be the both of us (??maybe??) browsing for special hard to find items that accrue no longer than 3 hours, including the car travel both ways. I am  v a c t i o n 'ed ~ out!  We seldom go out unless our son is included. We honestly just love being together ...and I'll miss that horribly when there's * ONE  day that is never to be anymore, or for he when I am no longer here.

My husband complains the same as yours about traffic, crowded parking (impossible) somewhat feats, almost).

 

 If I want to be out, I'll go shopping alone and take my time. I have never wanted to vacation with anyone else, and if I should, where would I go/ I've been around the world so many times..it ain'TT fun anymore, nor as safe when before. 

 

 Haaaaah, my opinion:

no one needs an anxiety patch or medication for someone that has worked all of |our| married life and just wants to find out what the rest of YOU have been doing when he wasn't around and away.

 I do not know if we are in the glorious golden years, but we did everything together when we were very much younger. If and when you do have that change of mind, vacationing, eating out, traveling, @mintedrose , have THE GREATEST time ever.

I sincerely hope you Heart do.  Smiley Happy  NAES 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,848
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

[ Edited ]

 

@mintedrose 

 

He's in his 40's and you in your 30's? Nothing wrong with the age difference, my wife is a decade plus younger than myself! But having these kinds of issues at your young ages? 

 

Things like this DO NOT get better as time goes on unless something changes. What? That's up to what you 2 youngsters to decide to do about it. Any spouse that spends most of his time working while his wife expresses "he's driving her nuts"?  

 

I worked for 33 years with men just like that, money over living their lives. When they retired, many no longer married to wife #1 some even #2, they did not know what to do with their time. Many that retired when I did, I was 52, are no longer with us.

 

Many here that replied to your post are many decades your senior, myself included. Had you mentioned your ages in your thread opening post, my 1st  reply would have been very different. I suggest your 2 figure out "your" problem, maybe he doesn't  have one, or you both are in for a very rough ride.

 

 

 

hckynut

hckynut(john)
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,974
Registered: ‎09-02-2011

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes


@dooBdoo wrote:

 

             There's an abundance of excellent advice, insight, and support on this thread.   That's one of the things that keeps me returning to the forums...  the way posters step up to listen, open their hearts and share their experience and expertise, and help when they can.

              @mintedrose ,  You don't say if you've seen gradual changes in your husband or if there was a sudden shift.    I remember you poignantly and so heartbreakingly shared in an older thread that you lost a child not long ago.   I wonder if the painful, shattering grief might play a role in your husband's attitude and actions.    This kind of loss is devastating, it changes us forever, and it creates ripples and effects in ways we might not always expect or understand.    I've had similar losses and grief -- knowing I am, without exaggeration, still alive today because of the combination of my faith and also the compassion and support of gifted counselors and therapists (not always easy to find, but worth the effort) and support groups, I wanted to offer my profound condolences to you both and also to offer you my own compassion and support.   (((gentle hugs)))❤️

 


                This explains much more to me. I never knew her age. ( I posted much later than the A.M. posters, even though- 'THEN' I did not 'know' her age until later..just before mine). 

                                 Hello @dooBdoo .Heart

 

 He appears to be a homebody and enjoys his comfort. There are many couples that do not share the same lifestyle. 

    I do agree with dooBdoo. Hopefully, ~ mintedrose~  may find that gifted support, finding a heartfelt listening counselor.

Sit down and accept professional help with a real LIVE person that understands. I hope for the best, always to you, @mintedrose .  Heart

 

Adding:  I might contribute this: my husband and I were idealistic on the same plateau for everything when we were dating and all through marriage.

         Yes, I believe that makes a huge difference. 

         We lost a child 24 months into our marriage. 

 

 

@mintedrose  @dooBdoo 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 61,488
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Sounds like maybe you spend too much time together. Being married, or in any long-ter relationship, shouldn't mean being in each others back pockets 24/7...


In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,249
Registered: ‎08-28-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes


@mintedrose wrote:

Thank you so much for all the advice here. So, few things i guess i should've added are that he works full time and that keeps him very busy as its a demanding field. I urge him to take time out for himself and i guess im hoping that by doing fun things together, could help de-stress him a little bit. He has long time friends but he doesnt spend much time with them anymore except an occasional phone call. I encourage him to see them or just spend time with his brothers and they do get together once a few months or so. He's in his 40s and im in my 30s, he does get routine check ups and they've been ok except high cholestrol. He has always been like this since Ive known him so its nothing recent. 

 

I do have my own hobbies and interests and i enjoy doing those things on my own. As for friends, I never developed any friendships here for some reason. He doesnt have time for hobbies because sometimes he's working 7 days a week. However, he relies on me to arrange things that we could do together. I plan and arrange for vacations and ask for his input to he's aware and involved in the process. So when it comes to going to vacations or just randomly going out to dinner, thats something you cannot do alone. There are things that a couple does just together, Part of marriage is to enjoy some of those things together isnt it? 

 

For example, we're both big sports fans. I got some tickets to a bastekball game that we were both so excited about. Long story short, while we were in the car on our way there, I was on the phone with someone that i couldnt postpone and he started his fuss again. Now, I am a very calm person and i dont turn to anger quickly. So, while im on the phone, he keeps interrupting me asking how to get there. He does have navigation on his own phone which he uses ALL the time but for whatever reason he had to frustrate me. I kept calm and told him to look it up on his phone but He didnt stop. Then he started a fuss because we were in traffic for so long. The entire hour drive was a nightmare. After a while i got so upset that it ruined my entire experience and ended up with a really bad headache. it was like hell going with him. And to put the icing on the cake, he spilled ketchup on his short while he was eating during half time and fussed again. Yah, i cant take him anywhere.

 

Its stuff like that, it may not seem like a big deal but in the way it eventually gets on your nerves and  piles on previous bad experiences and can make a very happy person turn totally insane. On one hand he expects me to do everything and on the other, he attempts to ruin it for both of us. 


Much better to have a complete picture.  Your husband works full time in demanding field, seven days a week.  You have cultivated no friendships, so you're reliant soley on your husband for companionship.  And I believe from previous (correct me if I'm wrong) posts, you're not too keen on his family.  So spending time with them which he enjoys is not your idea of good time.

 

Sounds like he's tired and working towards burnout and when he has downtime he just wants to chillout and there is nothing with wanting or needing to do that.  Perhaps you can look at joining a group and look at on how reach out and make a friend.