Among Friends

[mintedrose]

@stevieb 

Im not sure how you got the idea that we spend 24/7 with my post because from what i said, its actually on the contrary. We dont have much time together at all so if he's off on the weekend or if he has time off, that when we plan on doing things together.  Marriage does count to couples doing a few things together like eating dinner that doesnt mean being that you're in each other's pockets. Your remark was insensitive. 

[Anonymous032819]

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@qbetzforreal wrote:

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@mintedrose wrote:

Thank you so much for all the advice here. So, few things i guess i should've added are that he works full time and that keeps him very busy as its a demanding field. I urge him to take time out for himself and i guess im hoping that by doing fun things together, could help de-stress him a little bit. He has long time friends but he doesnt spend much time with them anymore except an occasional phone call. I encourage him to see them or just spend time with his brothers and they do get together once a few months or so. He's in his 40s and im in my 30s, he does get routine check ups and they've been ok except high cholestrol. He has always been like this since Ive known him so its nothing recent. 

I do have my own hobbies and interests and i enjoy doing those things on my own. As for friends, I never developed any friendships here for some reason. He doesnt have time for hobbies because sometimes he's working 7 days a week. However, he relies on me to arrange things that we could do together. I plan and arrange for vacations and ask for his input to he's aware and involved in the process. So when it comes to going to vacations or just randomly going out to dinner, thats something you cannot do alone. There are things that a couple does just together, Part of marriage is to enjoy some of those things together isnt it? 

For example, we're both big sports fans. I got some tickets to a bastekball game that we were both so excited about. Long story short, while we were in the car on our way there, I was on the phone with someone that i couldnt postpone and he started his fuss again. Now, I am a very calm person and i dont turn to anger quickly. So, while im on the phone, he keeps interrupting me asking how to get there. He does have navigation on his own phone which he uses ALL the time but for whatever reason he had to frustrate me. I kept calm and told him to look it up on his phone but He didnt stop. Then he started a fuss because we were in traffic for so long. The entire hour drive was a nightmare. After a while i got so upset that it ruined my entire experience and ended up with a really bad headache. it was like hell going with him. And to put the icing on the cake, he spilled ketchup on his short while he was eating during half time and fussed again. Yah, i cant take him anywhere.

Its stuff like that, it may not seem like a big deal but in the way it eventually gets on your nerves and  piles on previous bad experiences and can make a very happy person turn totally insane. On one hand he expects me to do everything and on the other, he attempts to ruin it for both of us. 

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Much better to have a complete picture.  Your husband works full time in demanding field, seven days a week.  You have cultivated no friendships, so you're reliant soley on your husband for companionship.  And I believe from previous (correct me if I'm wrong) posts, you're not too keen on his family.  So spending time with them which he enjoys is not your idea of good time.

Sounds like he's tired and working towards burnout and when he has downtime he just wants to chillout and there is nothing with wanting or needing to do that.  Perhaps you can look at joining a group and look at on how reach out and make a friend.

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@qbetzforreal 

Agreed, and there is nothing wrong with going out to eat by yourself, going to a movie by yourself, or even going on vacation by yourself.

In fact, it just might be what the o/p needs in order to get away from her husband.

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[stevieb]

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@mintedrose wrote:

@stevieb 

Im not sure how you got the idea that we spend 24/7 with my post because from what i said, its actually on the contrary. We dont have much time together at all so if he's off on the weekend or if he has time off, that when we plan on doing things together.  Marriage does count to couples doing a few things together like eating dinner that doesnt mean being that you're in each other's pockets. Your remark was insensitive. 

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@mintedrose  I don't think it was insensitive nor was it intended to be... I have no idea of your daily schedules... Your original post made it sound like the two of you were together enough for his quirks to rankle... Moreover, I don't think I said you spend 24/7 together, I think what I indicated is that being in a relationship does not require such, as some couples seem to think... What I also think was said was that it sounded like maybe you spend too much time together, but if you say you don't, then that's clearly not the issue... 

[Jaynah]

mintedrose, does your husband have diabetes? Those ugly, ugly moods can be caused by both hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia. Sorry you have to live with a right old grump.

Your opening statement "he is a nice person" is an oxymoron, really. He isn't nice.

[QP Doll]

It definitely Janah, is  not nice of you to state that he is not nice when you don't even know the guy!  It just sounds to me that he spends most of his time working & needs to unwind quietly. I would not pressure him into doing what he obviously does not enjoy doing.

[apple1964]

A hobby would be a good thing for your husband. Mine loves fishing and golf. He has many friends. Perhaps, he needs more interesting friends to do hobbies with? Good luck O/P.

[Skyegirl21]

NUTS is the word alright!!  I appreciate hearing everyone’s challenges, advise and support! I’ve been married for 27 yrs and notice as my spouse ages, he is more easily angered by small things that are soooo unimportant-  His anger then upsets me and we fuel each other- Then his passive aggressiveness makes him vengeful at me- All In all, ugliness and upset-  Over NOTHING!

Example this week: He asked me to hand write out an address for him on an envelope. I wasn’t placing the writing exactly centered, as he wanted (because I feared it would spread too far to the right), and he just lost it- He spent an entire day ‘getting back at me’ over that-  Really??  

I love him but Marriage is getting harder and these things Are so ridiculous- 

[hckynut]

1.  

@Skyegirl21 

He always had a short fuse?  I have always been laid back "don't sweat the small stuff" type of guy. Most men I know have mellowed with age. Sounds like your spouse, not so much. Ain't no way I would spend any time around this guy. When I ran my adult hockey league(52+ years), any player  that exhibited a short fuse was quickly a "former player".

Wish you well,

hckynut

[Witchy Woman]

@mintedrose 

I am not one to offer marriage advice because mine is less than perfect.

Just this morning, I was asking myself the question Dear Abby always posed to women, "Are you better off with him or without him."  Have not settled on an answer.

Having said that, there could be all kinds of things "wrong" but what I see/hear is someone who is not interested in a solution.  Just making trouble.

Maybe he is just burned out from work.  If he cannot express what his problems are, how can you be expected to help?  Other than just ignoring him and living your life alone, I'm not sure what can be done.

If he'll consent to counseling, perhaps you can get to the root of the problem.  My experience has been that most men would rather chew off a limb than go to "marriage counseling."  But, it's worth a try if he will go.

Also, you are so young to be having these issues. It's going to be a tough slog if your marriage is already like this.

However, my first thought was, "this guy is on the verge of having an affair, or having one."

Don't ask me how I know.

[DearPrudence]

@Witchy Woman  Whether or not he is having, or on the verge of having, an affair, it sounds to me like he is really not that interested in this marriage. I'm don't understand why anyone would tolerate this behavior any longer than absolutly necessary especially since there aren't any children involved. 

The description of the trip to the basketball game gave me knots in my stomach.  Why should OP have to live with such a feeling of dread each time they make plans together?  He wants to make it as unpleasant as possible for her so she will stop forcing him to go out with her!