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Valued Contributor
Posts: 501
Registered: ‎03-04-2017

DH drives me nuts sometimes

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He is a nice person so dont get me wrong but Hes driving me nuts! He's a home body and I like to go out. I love nature, he'd rather sit and watch tv. The only time he's excited to go anywhere is to visit His family and even though its very stressful for me i still go for his sake.  

 

Now, Everytime we go on a vacation or even out to dinner, he becomes soo fussy. He complains about every little thing and wont let go and then eventually, it puts me in a bad mood too.  Either its the traffic, or no parking or a long wait at a restaurant or the food didnt get served properly or he spilled something on his shirt, he'll find something to get upset about and he'll always think the worse of things. Its always ends up ruining both of our nights and it makes me really sad. its like going on a vacation or just to relax is bothersome to him. In the past ive been patient and tried to calm him down or help him think positve but now Ive just lost patience with him because it feels like im traveling with a child. I wanna be able to go out together and have a good time but he's just annoying. 

 

Ive talked to him about it and he realizes it and apologizes but then he does it again and again as if he totally forgot. I dont get it. We've had many ruined vacations because of his behavior. I dont wanna be his mother constantly trying to calm him down but i dont know what to do. Im to my wits end and just told him i wont go anywhere with him anymore! ;( 

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop
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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,250
Registered: ‎09-06-2014

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Sounds like he needs some hobbies and outside interests.  Does he golf?  Bowl?  Maybe volunteer work for something that interests him.  I'm hoping you have some hobbies and outside interests to get you out of the house for a break. 

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Contributor
Posts: 56
Registered: ‎08-23-2011

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Hi, DH may be experiencing personality changes as a result of cognitive dysfunction or some other health issue through no fault of his own.  Your experiences and frustrations are familiar to many people.  They sound like situations I myself have had to deal with with family members.  

 

As the mind & body age, the wiring in the brain can progressively stop functioning properly, leading to various mood & behavior problems, including loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities, negativity, frustration, hostility, “looping” on an idea over & over & over, and more.

 

 The good news is that a good doctor can help with diagnosis & treatment.  Check with his primary care doctor.  He may need to see a neurologist or other specialist and possibly have a brain MRI.  There are medications that can be prescribed to treat whatever his individual issues are.  Some are oral, some are given by patch applied to the skin.  Medication can make a huge difference, relieve anxiety & depression, and help restore happiness, joy & peace to both patient, family & caregivers.  

 

I’ve been on this journey for years now, both with my own mother (age 92) & MIL (recently passed away at age 98) and other family & friends caring for loved ones up to age 100+.  Some individuals can develop problems even at a much younger age.  

 

Dealing with cognitive dysfunction can be very alarming for a person as they sense themselves losing control of their thought processes & feelings, and there can be an issue of pride in not wanting to acknowledge that there is a problem.  So they may resist reaching out for help.  May God bless you as you navigate this situation.  

 

I have some really good books that were recommended to me.  I will try to put them in another post in a couple of days.  

 

I hope this information is helpful & encouraging.  Know that you are not alone & there is help so you don’t have to deal with this alone.  

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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,821
Registered: ‎02-16-2018

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes


@mintedrose  wrote:

He is a nice person so dont get me wrong but Hes driving me nuts! He's a home body and I like to go out. I love nature, he'd rather sit and watch tv. The only time he's excited to go anywhere is to visit His family and even though its very stressful for me i still go for his sake.  

 

Now, Everytime we go on a vacation or even out to dinner, he becomes soo fussy. He complains about every little thing and wont let go and then eventually, it puts me in a bad mood too.  Either its the traffic, or no parking or a long wait at a restaurant or the food didnt get served properly or he spilled something on his shirt, he'll find something to get upset about and he'll always think the worse of things. Its always ends up ruining both of our nights and it makes me really sad. its like going on a vacation or just to relax is bothersome to him. In the past ive been patient and tried to calm him down or help him think positve but now Ive just lost patience with him because it feels like im traveling with a child. I wanna be able to go out together and have a good time but he's just annoying. 

 

Ive talked to him about it and he realizes it and apologizes but then he does it again and again as if he totally forgot. I dont get it. We've had many ruined vacations because of his behavior. I dont wanna be his mother constantly trying to calm him down but i dont know what to do. Im to my wits end and just told him i wont go anywhere with him anymore! ;( 


@mintedrose   It seems like he has anxiety about going out. What about anti-anxiety medication. It sounds like it is seriously affecting the quality of both your lives. It will get worse with age if he doesn’t take something for it.

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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,683
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

Was he like that when you married him?  How old is he?  I know as I get older I'm not as interested in gong places.  It's sort of been there, done that. 

 

There doesn't have to indicate a medical problem.  Maybe, he's content the way things are.

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,526
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

You just solved your problem with your last sentence.

 

However, I would suggest he get a checkup with his doctor.  He sounds like he is suffering from depression to me.  Unless he has been like that all his life.

Dear God
Grant me the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut.
Thank You Amen
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Frequent Contributor
Posts: 137
Registered: ‎10-31-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

My husband developed a dislike of crowds almost over night.  We used to go to festivals, events and go out to discover new places.  After an very honest talk, he told me he did not enjoy the activities any more.  He did not know how if changed but it just did.

 

So we made a deal,  there will be days where I would go out with my friends, family, myself and have a good time.  Other times I will  be home with him.  Then about 1 or 2 times a month he would go out with me and not complain,

 

On the flip side, if there was a place where I truly did not enjoy, he was to understand and go with friends, family or himself.

 

It has been working out ever since.  Yes, there are times I wish he was with me, and I need to stop myself and said it wouldn't be as fun because he would not be enjoying himself.  I take lots of pictures and share with him. 

 

Is it perfect...no.  But life isn't about perfection.

 

 

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,610
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

@photodreamr  excellent relationship skills.  This give and take, and negotiation is what enhances and maintains a loving marriage over the years.

 

@mintedrose   I know things are a challenge .... maybe you could implement some of these ideas. It also helps if you have friends/family/hobbies that fulfill the need for social interaction.  Hopefully, photodreams solutions could be incorporated with your husband.

When things get rough, I always consider the qualities that I appreciate.  You said that your husband is a "nice" person.  Perspective is always subjective and open to change.   I am responsible for my feelings. I am wishing you the very best. 

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Frequent Contributor
Posts: 79
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

My very dear friend and her husband were always gregarious, on the go, kind, we got together with them and friends every weekend even if it was just for hot dogs.  About 3 years ago, he began to have some medical issues and after recovery, we noticed a change in behavior.   Last fall, all of us “girls” told her, something is seriously wrong here.   But they were a “Trust the Process” kind of family.   (Many of the family is in the medical field). Long story short, there came a night where she knew something was terribly wrong, and within a couple weeks, he was diagnosed with glioblastoma.  This was April.  He will be gone in days.  Their 49th anniversary was Thursday.  He is 70.  The reason I write this is to say one never knows.  I saw this man go from being the ‘everything man’ to not wanting to go pick up his own grandchildren from school.  The family was staying frustrated with him.  Just remember we all change.  And for some the reasons are devastating.  

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,905
Registered: ‎03-23-2010

Re: DH drives me nuts sometimes

I can relate a little except I'm the homebody and my DH is the one always wanting to go out.

 

My suggestion would be to anticipate that he will find fault in something and just be mindful how you react.  If he's fussing about parking, for example, just let him vent without any response.  If he's fussing about traffic, just try to enjoy the music on the radio.  A lot of times, we can avoid conflict by not reacting and you might even consider going some places on your own.  My DH has some friends who get on my nerves, and I've gotten to where I just smile and send him on his way to meet them while I go do my own thing.