Communication with adult son - Page 4

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I can tell you from my own experience in divorce, that there is a part of you that feels like a failure. You know you screwed up. You at the very least, didn't choose a mate wisely.

So in doing so the next time, particularly if there are children involved, one who is smart and has learned from the experience (which it seems you son may have), will take it slow.

And many choose to have another relationship, but won't commit to it the way they did the first time (marriage/living together). Maybe he is just going to have this relationship outside of his daughter and family life, at least for now.

And honestly that might not be a bad thing. Not every relationship needs to lead to marriage. As long as he isn't shorting his child time and resources to date (even seriously), it might not be what we would do, but might be the best for both of them.

libbyannE · ‎10-27-2010

Back off, mama! He does not owe you an intro to his friend until or unless he deems the relationship ready. If he has been emotionally scarred, as you say, he needs time and space to trust again. A year of dating may not be long enough. He is wise not to be including her in his family life and, no doubt, does not want to involve his daughter in something that may not last.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@nelliegirl wrote:
My smart, failthful, kind hearted, successful son's wife left him 4 years ago after 4 years of marriage. It devastated him. She was looking for unlimited funds to spend and a glitzy, glamorous social life. She left him with a 20 month old baby girl who is now 5 and I help him raise. I have figured out by some subtle clues that he is (finally) seeing someone. I want him to love again but what bothers me is that he hasn't brought her around or told us anything about her! I have given him ample opportunity to let us in on the "secret" but to no avail. He's been seeing her since last summer...almost a year! First of all, why do you think he won't introduce her to us or at least tell us about her? And secondly, should I confront him with my knowledge or not? I know for a fact that they are in a serious relationship. We have always been close, but he is very private and a very independent person.

I like how you love your son and want the best for him and his child!

This is none of your business. He's an adult and entitled to privacy. Stop asking questions and pressuring him, even in subtle ways. When he wants to tell you, he will. MYOB.

I have a son who is super private too. I listen when he talks. I don't try to fix it. We are very close but he's stil his own man and will tell me things when he's ready. By not pressuring him, nagging him, or playing 20 questions, he has come to me a number of times to talk about more serious things.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@nelliegirl wrote:
My smart, failthful, kind hearted, successful son's wife left him 4 years ago after 4 years of marriage. It devastated him. She was looking for unlimited funds to spend and a glitzy, glamorous social life. She left him with a 20 month old baby girl who is now 5 and I help him raise. I have figured out by some subtle clues that he is (finally) seeing someone. I want him to love again but what bothers me is that he hasn't brought her around or told us anything about her! I have given him ample opportunity to let us in on the "secret" but to no avail. He's been seeing her since last summer...almost a year! First of all, why do you think he won't introduce her to us or at least tell us about her? And secondly, should I confront him with my knowledge or not? I know for a fact that they are in a serious relationship. We have always been close, but he is very private and a very independent person.

He's an adult and it's up to him how he wants to handle this. You also said he's "very private", so for sure I would recommend backing off.

Most likely he's proceeding cautiously. Maybe he's serious about her, maybe he isn't. But his marriage ended years ago, and he's free to find his own way and decide for himself what he wants to share.

Try not to make this about you, and instead be happy that he's moved on from his former marriage. What matters is not what he shares with you but rather that he's living his life in way that makes him happy.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@occasionalrain wrote:
That the OP is helping him with his daughter makes it her business.

He can't have it both ways and is thoughtless in not sharing his dicisions with her. He doesn't need to give details but he does need to tell her who and what this woman is and whether it's a serious relationship. He owes her that.

I disagree. How is he "thoughtless"? He's a grown man and he's not obligated to share information about his love life with his mother. He's entitled to a personal life that's kept personal. I don't see how the OP helping him to raise his daughter has anything to do with it. And it doesn't seem as though the OP sees it that way either.

This is not at all a matter of "having it both ways". He didn't sign away his right to privacy when his Mom started helping to raise his child. As long as he's acting responsibly and being a good father to his daughter (and the OP said that's the case), he owes her nothing more than respect and gratitude. He certainly doesn't have to make his life an open book, and any mother who would attach that kind of string or condition to caring for her own grandchild doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. I can't imagine telling my own sons that "they owe me that". Pushing for information or insisting that it's owed is a surefire way of making a child (adult or otherwise) not want to tell parents anything at all, especially when the child is an adult and it's not the parents' business.