Reply
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,838
Registered: ‎06-08-2021

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift


@occasionalrain wrote:

@haddon9 

 

Your friend who never calls may have been brought up not to be a bother. She may feel her calls to you would be received at an unfavorable time or that she would be seen as a bother. People who have been unpopular at school, been excluded, or whose attempts at friendships have been rejected, often fear overstepping. When you contact her, she's reassured that you still want to be friends.


@occasionalrain  That's a very insightful comment.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,660
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

 


@occasionalrain wrote:

@haddon9 

 

Your friend who never calls may have been brought up not to be a bother. She may feel her calls to you would be received at an unfavorable time or that she would be seen as a bother. People who have been unpopular at school, been excluded, or whose attempts at friendships have been rejected, often fear overstepping. When you contact her, she's reassured that you still want to be friends.

@occasionalrain, I never thought of that as a possibility. I always wondered why people do that as @haddon9  described. Hard to understand but this makes me feel sorry that people may feel inadequate or bothering.

Though you know one of my aunts and my mother were always afraid to call at inconvenient times to their grandchildren, nieces etc or my aunt with me.

So I'm glad you suggested that.Makes it easier to understand if that may be the reason.

(I don't think I wrote any of that very clearly!😅)

 


 

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,513
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

I used to reach out to people but have stopped doing so. It was a one way street. 

 

I read posts here that people "don't bother" any longer or they're terribly suspicious that you "want something" like their vintage Cool Whip containers.

 

While truly sad, I find it also very freeing not to feel obligated to people who don't care if they hear from you or not.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,660
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

@Snowpuppy,

Yes I can definitely feel that way too sometimes and maybe let some go.

I'll never forget that my mother had a longtime friendship with another woman, and she did have other friends as well. Anyway she always felt that she initiated everything in terms of getting together going out etc. for years! So after may years she decided she was tired of the one way getting together so she stopped calling. And yes, you probably guessed, the "friend" didn't call. That is what is hard to understand. Are those kind of people just friend gathering? not caring? totally selfish and only concerned with themselves?

With some I really don't think it may be the other of insecurity or afraid of bothering. This woman was colorful, vibrant, very fun. Oh it's just depressing how some people can be-its bewildering and hurtful but then you realize, yes there are those who are just like that and always will be so don't bother about feeling too bad about it. "People are strange."

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,671
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

@Black Cat Back 


@Black Cat Back wrote:

I saw this article and think it needs to be shared.   You don't know that maybe one of your friends or neighbors needs to know someone is thinking of them.   It takes no time to do a " check in."   You can change someone's life.   There is nothing more lonely, scary and sad then having no one checking in to see if you are ok, especially when they know you are going through a tough time.  Some people just need to know they have a support system because some people are all alone with none.   Even your friends with family can use a kind check once in awhile. 

 

For the lonely and alone, not checking in could be the difference between them feeling cared about and feeling desperate.

 

A call, a text, it really isn't that much of an effort and could save someone's life.

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/11/well/family/check-in-text-friendship.html


The article wouldn't let me see it, you only get so many free looks. I wanted to send it to my son that liv

es one mile away. I never see him, too busy. Ha, not to go to Tahoe, or a game, or whatever.  I tex every morning and night OK. That is the extent of communication. 

The son who lives 20 miles one way, tex me once a week, and ask how I am, but he does visit me once or twice a month and will bring me a nice meal he cooks. This time lasange and it was delicious. My daughter lives around the corner and I never see her unless when I walk my dog, and thank god for my dog, good company.

In my late 80's and two friends died, one moved, another has alzerhiemers.  In fact, I am going to visit that one today. She won't remember, but she will love the visit.

I am very strong and keep myself busy with exercise, work around the house, walking dog and learning differant things by reading and watching documenteries, playing games on the computer and gardening. I wake up each day, glad to be alive and in good health. 

Still cook my own meals, not frozen meals, and enjoy myself.  You have to be able if possible to take care of yourself, some can't.  

My sister who lives in Washington calls once a week and we talk for hours.  She is only 56, so she gives me a lot of advice, and we tex everyday.  She is pretty disgusted with my children, except the one who lives 20 miles away.

I once said to her, if you had no one around you on a desert island, could you be your own best friend?  I can. Some can't.

I have many grandchildren I took care of, took them every where and great grandchildren.  Don't hear from any of them. Their loss. I could be sad, but don't want to spend the time I have left in self pity and sadness. Don't want to waste my days that way.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,605
Registered: ‎07-11-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

I have been very ill. Not one friend or relative has called or texted since last week to even ask if I am okay. So, they can all go to you know where.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,523
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

@catwhisperer 

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you to feel better soon!   

I know the hurt that wells up inside when family and friends don't reach out, and have thought exactly as you're thinking right now!    

As angry as I get with people for not reaching out like I feel they should, I just try to be thankful for the strength I'm given to deal with all that's on my plate and keep going.  

 

I realize some of my people don't handle life situations very well, and that is never going to change.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,605
Registered: ‎07-11-2010

Re: Checking In on People - It's a Gift

@RedTop .....thank you so much for your kind words. I am always available when friends and family want MY support, but it's not always reciprocated, which is hurtful.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.