Caring for a Parent with Alzheimers - What Do You ... - Page 2

Chrystaltree2 · ‎12-08-2014

@DARING GREATLY wrote:
I know him well. He is not over wrought in taking care of his Mom. He hardly sees her and never goes to see her. He has a very happy life, retired at 50, doesn't have to work anymore.

I took care of both parents with cancer. I had to do things a daughter should not have to do for her Dad, like help him go to the bathroom or clean himself. I was overwhelmed since neither sibling would come in to help me. But never once did I neglect or not watch over my parents for their comfort and safety.

It broke my heart that his mother was left alone. I'd give anything to still have my parents and be able to care for them.

He had a good upbringing and has a healthy and happy family and grandkids. He sits by the pool every day. I don't give a darn about him, my heart is with his mother who deserves respect in her decline.

And by the way, I have a real problem in calling an elderly person "the old lady."

There's nothing demeaning about being old or being a lady. God willing, we'll all be old ladies some day. The issue here is that someone expected that guy to be someone he clearly is NOT. And that is ridiculous. I know that had either of my parents been in such situation, never in billion years would my sisters and I have ever asked either of my brothers to care for them for more than a few hours. They are guys....they don't have the nurturing gene that most women have. So, what if he sit's by the pool and lives his life as he chooses. Our children have no obligation whatsoever to care for us as we age. None at all. If they choose to take on that task, that's fine but they should not be forced into it. And that (I suspect) is what happened in that case. He never wanted to be in a caretaker role. He shouldn't have been put in a caretaker role. Because let's be realistic here, the airport thing wasn't the only time her he left the woman alone or neglected her. That's why he didn't think it was such a big deal, that's why he made light of it. If there is a culprit here, it's the person who forced him to into taking her.

Black Cat Back · ‎03-21-2010

She was visiting him for a week. Gosh, how overwhelming to have to be with your parent for a week.

Is it okay for a parent not to care for their child when they are ill?

Caring for my parents was not an obligation. It was my HONOR!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

All I can say here is I find it hard to second guess how anyone else deals with the old (no shame in being called old) people in their lives. I know that we are all different and our circumstances are different, as are the old people we are responsible for and care for. Nothing about it is easy, and no matter what you do or how saintly you feel about doing it just remember this: People will talk about your and criticize you and tell you what THEY would or wouldn't do every step of the way. Count on it.

And I will fault ANYONE who would extract a promise to make their children never put them in a nursing or other home. None of us know what that long and hard road will bring and how impossible that sometimes is. Health and hygiene problems become impossible, patients become violent, some keep sitting fires or turning on the gas at 3 a.m. etc. They try to escape and DO. . . etc. etc. etc. Day and night sometimes mean nothing so they are up 24 hours a day for days on end. . .

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@DARING GREATLY wrote:
She was visiting him for a week. Gosh, how overwhelming to have to be with your parent for a week.

Is it okay for a parent not to care for their child when they are ill?

Caring for my parents was not an obligation. It was my HONOR!

You have asked "What Do You think?" In your OP title, but you do not seem to be open to any views but your own. Perhaps you might consider removing that part of the thread title. Anyone is entitled to a rant, but they are better understood when it's clear that it *is* a rant and not really open to being a possible learning experience.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Chrystaltree2 · ‎12-08-2014

@DARING GREATLY wrote:
She was visiting him for a week. Gosh, how overwhelming to have to be with your parent for a week.

Is it okay for a parent not to care for their child when they are ill?

Caring for my parents was not an obligation. It was my HONOR!

That was a week too long. He was never a good choice to care for his mother and she should never have put in his care. Period. Visiting? If her Alzheimers progesssed to the point at which she could not be alone in her own home, she needed oversignt and care. More care than he could give her. She was not visiting her son, somone sent her to him so that he could care for her for that week. Don't confuse the rest of the world with yourself. We are all individuals. Caring for parents might be an honor for some, it might be something that some children gladly do for their parents. But that doesn't mean that everyone should feel that way. I happen to have two children of my own. My feeling is that they were not given to me to care for me in my old age or to take care of me when I am ill. They aren't my insurance policy. They don't owe me anything. In fact, I feel it's my responsiblity as a parent to ensure that they are never put in a position where they have to take of me...or hubby. And we have done that. Just as my parents and my inlaws did for all of their children. Don't be so angry with the son. Be angry with whoever thought it was a good idea to send the mothher to him for a week. That person knows him, knows him well and should known that it was a very bad decision. Thankfully, the woman suffered no harm.

Black Cat Back · ‎03-21-2010

I appreciate all your commentary here. I'm glad so many of you have your future plans all laid out and have no worries that way. As you said, some people live different lives and cannot do the same as you on both a personal and financial level.

I do know that the children will show a lot of interest once she's dead and her estate is being divided up. Their "loyalty" to their Mom will overflow.

Nataliesgramma · ‎03-28-2015

@Sooner wrote:
All I can say here is I find it hard to second guess how anyone else deals with the old (no shame in being called old) people in their lives. I know that we are all different and our circumstances are different, as are the old people we are responsible for and care for. Nothing about it is easy, and no matter what you do or how saintly you feel about doing it just remember this: People will talk about your and criticize you and tell you what THEY would or wouldn't do every step of the way. Count on it.

And I will fault ANYONE who would extract a promise to make their children never put them in a nursing or other home. None of us know what that long and hard road will bring and how impossible that sometimes is. Health and hygiene problems become impossible, patients become violent, some keep sitting fires or turning on the gas at 3 a.m. etc. They try to escape and DO. . . etc. etc. etc. Day and night sometimes mean nothing so they are up 24 hours a day for days on end. . .

Well said.......as far as being called an 'old lady'...as long as I am on THIS side of the dirt...I don't care....

jlkz · ‎12-02-2013

my Mom developed Alz. In her early 80's. I could see the slight changes and suggested that my Dad be on the alert for things like turning the stove on and forgetting about day or night. Well, one day while he was the bathroom, my Mom got out of the house. She crossed two major roadways on a Sunday afternoon looking for her mother. My Dad drove all over the neighborhood looking for her and finally went home to find two police cars with lights flashing in his driveway.They asked my Dad to have his oldest daughter call them. That was when I got seriously involved: specialist appointments, visits to memory impairment living facilities, etc.

The first place was a disaster because they mixed Alz. Patients with general population and further incited confusion with the Alz. Folks by moving them up and down the floors, crowding them onto a tiny elevator in their wheelchairs: Down for breakfast, back up for recreation, down for lunch, back up for therapy, down for dinner, up for the night.

After she had been taken to the lock down unit at the hospital twice, I found a wonderful, affordable and caring place for her.

It it was interesting that when younger my Mom warned us kids that we had better not "park her" in a home when she aged. However, on that first night in her new place, when everyone else had left, she told me that she knew that she was failing. I comforted her and said that I knew and that was why she was here now and that everything would be taken care of. Dad was there everyday. He did this for several years, even after she had progressed to a nursing home. They were both 89 when they passed.

neither my Dad, nor I, nor my sisters could ever have taken care of my Mom at the level she needed. Whatever anyone could say, I did my best for both parents all along the way.

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

JLKZ, you deserve more than a heart, you deserve a hug too. ((((consider yourself hugged). I totally understand.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I can fully understand being upset with what happened in this situation, and there would have been a "come to Jesus meeting" with my brother if this had happened with our mother. Alzheimer's is a true eye opener, and those who cope with it know what a horrible degenerative disease it is. I have heard people refer to their family member as having Alzheimer's, when their actual diagnosis is still early stage dementia. I heard my husband's family comment on Granny's "forgetfulness", when I could tell her mental status was way beyond forgetful. It took medical exams and a judge's order declaring Granny incompetent, to open the eyes of her own adult children (ages 55 - 75). Even then, some did not realize what happens as brain function degenerates, and did not respond well. The result was a lot of tension within the family, between those who were hands on with her care, and those who did not participate, but had to express their opinion on everything. What the son did was wrong, but he has to be receptive to fully understanding his mother's health situation to comprehend just how wrong his actions were. We can only hope for the son to see the true picture as his mother's health deteriorates, and become more supportive, and helpful to his sister.