Among Friends

[Happiness Is Inside JOB]

A phrase comes to mind for me, I broke up with a man like 18 years ago, I had the password to his beeper (long time ha) anyway, he had a message from a girl he had a date with for that night.

I was so hurt but it was the Best gift,  it taught me - I'm at MY house sad and depressed while he is living his life.  I learned as time went on, he long Moved on from me, he was dating, sexing, traveling with other women!!!

A guy a later met told me, have fond memories but move on.

You are at your house sad and down and he is living his life, did I read that he got married???  

Time is short, don't waste time.

Also a phrase someone.....told me the best revenge is success and indifference, have a Good life, look good, travel if you can, go out, it is not even about meeting a new man .... It is about happiness, if you are able to travel GO!

Every time he comes to your mind, STOP and start talking about something else....talk OUT LOUD.  So your verbal voice drowns out your mind.  You would be surprised but this helps.

Move forward, 

[Happiness Is Inside JOB]

Another example, just to show the original poster that she is not alone, my husband around the Christmas holiday .., in the past.... He would look back with rose colored glasses that his mother treated him so nice, Christmas was so great, etc.

But it was not true reality, when I went to his mother's house, no one had gifts, the only gift's was what I bought, the place was a mess, roaches crawling, the small grand children only got gifts from churches who adopt a "poor" families.

People look back and their mind changes the story.  My husband's mother treated him badly, they were poor, he was not the husband's child, when he was an adult...she would act nice to him when she wanted something.   

It was not until he got older and realized, wait , I WAS  not being treated well and he accepted the reality,  he accepted the Truth of his past.

I encourage everyone move forward, let go of the past, stop longing for people who if your were Honest ....they did not treat you well!!!!

[emmysmom]

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@2blonde wrote:

@hondagirl  Wow.  I'm so sorry for what you are still going through.  Thirty-three years is a long time; and then to be blindsided like that had to be devastating for you.  Having said that, let me say that sixteen years is also a long time to grieve and live in the past.

I wish I could say something that would help you move on with your life while you still have time to enjoy it. I'm 68 and was divorced at 25 after 6-1/2 years of marriage.  I had many relationships over the years, with one true love from many years ago where I do still think of him and wonder how he is now (I've heard he's having health problems).  Over the past 15 years or so, I've stopped dating completely and have found peace and joy in my own independence.  I hope you can see that being in a serious relationship is not always a necessity for happiness. Learn to love yourself and revel in the wonderful person that you are.   You don't need a man to make you whole.  

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Boy can I relate..2 bad marriages..latest relationship was very hurtful...btw...none of these relationships were my idea...I live alone now...my boys are grown and I'm at peace now..I don't need a man..its a liberating feeling..!

[Happiness Is Inside JOB]

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@emmysmom wrote:

Mae West Quote 

Don't cry over a man who left you, the next one may fall for your smile!!

My phrase 

Happiness is an inside job don't give anyone that much power In you LIFE!!!!

I hope the original poster learns she is not alone.  The phrase above is my phrase because I did not grow up happy, I grew up down over a wide range of things and people's treatment towards me.

I had to learn that I control my life and not to let others determine how I feel or how I live.  I had a long time "girlfriend" dump me for no reason, I was down but I had to just forget her.  Then 10 years later, my hubby and I saw her at a function and Thank Goodness, I was looking super Nice, I talked like every thing was fine, and she wanted to be friends again, she called me about going out.   I thought are you crazy, I don't give people a second chance to "play me" as the young folks say.  I was done with her!!

The revenge was looking good and moving forward not desiring to be her friend, the same way she dumped me in the past.

Life on this earth is very short, my eyes could close tonight, don't give him (ex husband) that much POWER in you life that he consumes YOU, trust me he is living his LIFE!

[NYC Susan]

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@Happiness Is Inside JOB wrote:

A phrase comes to mind for me, I broke up with a man like 18 years ago, I had the password to his beeper (long time ha) anyway, he had a message from a girl he had a date with for that night.

I was so hurt but it was the Best gift,  it taught me - I'm at MY house sad and depressed while he is living his life.  I learned as time went on, he long Moved on from me, he was dating, sexing, traveling with other women!!!

A guy a later met told me, have fond memories but move on.

You are at your house sad and down and he is living his life, did I read that he got married???  

Time is short, don't waste time.

Also a phrase someone.....told me the best revenge is success and indifference, have a Good life, look good, travel if you can, go out, it is not even about meeting a new man .... It is about happiness, if you are able to travel GO!

Every time he comes to your mind, STOP and start talking about something else....talk OUT LOUD.  So your verbal voice drowns out your mind.  You would be surprised but this helps.

Move forward, 

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I think the most important thing you said is that it's not about meeting a new man.  It's not.   At all.  This isn't a competition where he found someone else and now she should feel pressure to do the same.  And her life can be quite happy all on her own.  Being in a commited relationship and/or being married by no means guarantees happiness.  There's no reason she can't have a good life even if she's not in love with another man.  Maybe it will happen for her someday, maybe it won't.  But it shouldn't be the ultimate goal.

Yes, she should move forward.  Without looking back.  It's in the past, and life stretches forward.  I hope the OP gets some help dealing with this.  Too much of her life has been put on hold already and way too many years have gone by.  It's time for her to love herself and take steps toward living a good life in the years ahead.

[hondagirl]

We bought a beach house at the Jersey Shore three years before he left.  Had no idea this would have happened.  Things were great and we fixed up this adorable house and it was great weekends and vacation there.  Once he left the primary home in 2001 and said he didn't have anyone I found woman's things at the shore house when I was there alone on vacation since we both still owned it.  Finally found out who this woman was from neighbors on the street and he worked with her.  I was hurt and bitter.  This piece of ****** was at the beach house and would leave her beauty products and some clothing.  More hurt for me but I still went to the beach house on vacation since we shared the time.  Eventually my ex- wanted me out of the beach house and would give me the house I still lived in.  I was not happy about that since I loved the jersey shore and my Mom was still living there within walking distance.  He was on my case about this for quite some time and I knew the girlfriend wanted this also - she is a gold digger and wanted the beach house for her and him.  I finally had to give in when hurricane Sandy ruined the house with 4 feet of water inside and the house had to torn down.  This was very costly and if I stayed in partners with him I would have to come up with several thousand to take it down.  So I lost my beach house that I loved dearly... So now he built another beautiful house and that piece of ****** is there with him living the life I worked so hard for.  Lots of memories for me and hard to walk away.  Those were my dreams - now they are hers...

[stevieb]

@hondagirl Unrequited love is devastating and essentially that's your situation. And it's made worse by the fact that at one time, the love appeared to be mutual and then, all of a sudden (as far as you knew), it wasn't. It is very, very challenging to move on from and sometimes, folks never really do. There are usually so many questions, 'what ifs', feelings of loss, abandonment, anger, sadness and grief. As for not falling in love, I agree with the premise that says 'so what', enjoy the relationship you have for what it is and don't worry about whether you fall in love or not... Therapy is an option, but it seems you've said that coverage is an issue. Another option is to find a support group, which sounds trite, but it is an option. The one caveat about a support group is to find one that is led by a professional, who doesn't let participants' anger feed off each other and fester. Candidly speaking, your loss happened sixteen years ago and while your feelings are valid, if the loss is still devastating for you then it really is time to try to find an outlet for your feelings. You might never move on completley, but that's a long time to be weighted down with all those feelings. That said, after a thirty-two year realationship that one partner simply decided to walk away from, it isn't surprising that your feelings are as they have been. Good luck to you.

[missy1]

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@Hondagirl wrote:

We bought a beach house at the Jersey Shore three years before he left.  Had no idea this would have happened.  Things were great and we fixed up this adorable house and it was great weekends and vacation there.  Once he left the primary home in 2001 and said he didn't have anyone I found woman's things at the shore house when I was there alone on vacation since we both still owned it.  Finally found out who this woman was from neighbors on the street and he worked with her.  I was hurt and bitter.  This piece of ****** was at the beach house and would leave her beauty products and some clothing.  More hurt for me but I still went to the beach house on vacation since we shared the time.  Eventually my ex- wanted me out of the beach house and would give me the house I still lived in.  I was not happy about that since I loved the jersey shore and my Mom was still living there within walking distance.  He was on my case about this for quite some time and I knew the girlfriend wanted this also - she is a gold digger and wanted the beach house for her and him.  I finally had to give in when hurricane Sandy ruined the house with 4 feet of water inside and the house had to torn down.  This was very costly and if I stayed in partners with him I would have to come up with several thousand to take it down.  So I lost my beach house that I loved dearly... So now he built another beautiful house and that piece of ****** is there with him living the life I worked so hard for.  Lots of memories for me and hard to walk away.  Those were my dreams - now they are hers...

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Is he still with her? Seems like in this post you are more angered about her. It was your ex who left.

Really this isn't healthy, after reading this lastest post.

Please continue to get help. HE LEFT 16 YEARS AGO!

You are in your senior years, I assume. Sad you consumed your last 16 years thinking about this. Many have gone through this, really.

[lulu2]

@hondagirl

With all due respect, if after all these years your X is still constantly in your thoughts, you need professional help so that you can move on.

Calling his current wife "a piece of *****" serves no purpose.  She did not cast a spell on him to make him leave you.  If you want to name call, give it to the person who most deserves it, HIM. People happy in marriage do not suddenly leave.

As for your shore house, we live at the Jersey Shore and were displaced for 9 months but that was 5 (long) years ago.  If you miss the area and being close to your mother, relocate.

If this sounds harsh, I'm sorry but dwelling on memories that will never be again, is not healthy.

[Sunnyfield]

Sorry to be harsh but "snap out of it"! 

Who are you hurting by dwelling on all this and thinking about how you were "wronged"???  Yourself, that's who! Living in the past does no good for anyone.

You can bet your sweet bippy that your ex and his current wife aren't spending one second dwelling on the situation!!  Or thinking about your "hurt"...

She is not "living your life"....YOU are living (or not living) your life....

Get professional help before it is too late....

You do not mention chilfren and I am wondering if there are children, how they feel about this....