Can't get ex-husband out of my mind - Page 6

JobGirl · ‎12-30-2010

@Romo wrote:
Don't ask yourself if something is wrong with you. Ask "What was wrong with him?" Don't beat yourself up for loving someone so deeply. As women I think that is how we naturally love our significant others, husbands, boyfriends, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. Realize that his love for you was not as deep and strong as your love for him was. He will always be with you in your heart, but make him a memory. Count the blessings that God has given you and enjoy each and every day, life is too precious.

At this point honestly it sounds less like love and morr like obession stemming from bitterness -living in the past is diffent from painful memories or being changed by an experience

16 yrs later you still think this woman is living your life-that is unhealthy

IlliniGirl88 · ‎06-20-2010

@hondagirl - This is going on 16 years now that he walked out the door, but sounds like it happened within a recent timeframe. I'm very sorry this happened, but do not allow him to rob you of a joyful life. I'd find another therapist, you need to work some things out.

I can't imagine allowing sixteen years of your life to go by still thinking about this fool. Yes, you loved him, but he was the one who decided to flip everything upside down. Who knows, maybe they don't have a rosy life together. Get on with your life, a happy life, but it's going to be without him. I can't imagine trying to wipe 33 years of your life away, as if it never happened, but you need to start YOUR new life. Please consider seeing someone and talking this out. I hope this didn't sound mean, because that's not what I intend, but you deserve happiness!!!

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

I think if the o/p takes a good, hard, honest look at her marriage, I think that she'll see that there were red flags along the way, and everything wasn't as all "rosey" as she thought.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
I think if the o/p takes a good, hard, honest look at her marriage, I think that she'll see that there were red flags along the way, and everything wasn't as all "rosey" as she thought.

It's also extremely likely that the other woman is not living any kind of fabulous, idyllic life with him. Looking at someone's relationship from the outside reveals nothing about what it's actually like

All of my years working in the mental health field taught me to never look at someone else's life and be envious of it. We have no idea how other people live, what goes on behind closed doors, and how happy they are. It's fanciful thinking to assume that the other woman simply stepped into the OP's shoes, took over her life, and that she & the ex are now living happily ever after. And it's not even worth thinking about. She's not living the life the OP would have had. Different people, different relationship, different time. It sounds to me as though this guy showed his true colors. There are much kinder ways to end a long-term marriage, and the OP deserved better then and she deserves better now.

It hurts to be rejected like that, no doubt about it. And there's a grief process that occurs when a marriage ends because the future that had been expected has to be mourned. But it's been a very long time, and the OP needs help building a meaningful and enjoyable life for herself. Whether or not she wants another relationship is irrelevant. She deserves to be happy regardless, and she needs to pull free of the hold that this has had on her for far too long.

It seems to me that she's not mourning the loss of this man, but rather the loss of the man she thought he was and the marriage she thought they had. It's hard to get over, but realizing that might be helpful. And she can do it. I wish her all the best.

elated · ‎06-09-2010

After reading your story, I felt that maybe you are angry and can't get over it. It must be hurtful to feel the man you trusted and loved had an affair. I have never been married for 33 years and don't know the pain you are still feeling.

I think you should move on with your life and quit dwelling on the past. Nothing is going to bring him back and I am sure if confronted with the possibility you would not want it. When you lose trust in someone, you will always be wondering if he is still worthy of your love.

You are a good person and don't blame yourself for his affair. You may always wonder what you did that drove him to another person but maybe he thought the grass was greener on the other side. Who knows if he is happy or thinking about moving on. IMHO, it is better to thank God for each day he gives you and do things that make you happy. Do not let someone destroy your life.

Do they support groups in your area? Are you regligous? Maybe you can talk with your minister, priest or rabbi. Try to get to the bottom of why you can't let go of a man that turned out not to be worthy of your love. I wish you the best and take care.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

My husband walked out on our kids and me 20 years ago. It takes a long time to resolve things in your head and heart. What I finally figured out is that I missed what I thought we were going to have....not what we really had. That really helped me put things to rest.

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

I think your experiencing what some of us that have lost our husbands,due to death.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

Sunnyfield · ‎04-20-2010

@CalminHeart

Exactly right!!

OP is living in bitterness and anger - if she is ever going to be happy, she needs to work on letting go of what she "thought" she had/was going to have and stop blaming the other woman....

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

I figured the op is close to 70 with the 33 years, plus the 16, and if she got married at 18. (hypothetical)

Thinking about this again, the op has put too much energy into why her dh left, the other woman, and what could have been.

Your golden years could have been a much happier time. You could still have memories of the fun time together, but having a pity party for 16 years is a very long time imo.

When I first read the op's first post I thought the breakup was recent.

Please enjoy life now.

Katcat1 · ‎07-21-2011

@hondagirl, Think of women who have no one to talk to. At least you are dating. You may never fall in love again -- so what? It's not the end of the world. Try to concentrate on yourself. Go out with girlfriends and your male friend. Your ex-husband is not coming back and yes, it is hard to swallow but you really need to move on as it has been long enough. I wish you the best. P.S. Try to do things that interest you: sewing, knitting, painting, golf, bowling, whatever. Take care.

kindness is strength